I got a job.
Just like that.
Well, not really just like that. A friend had a job and then got a new job so she put my name forward for her old job.
I did a trial last week – two stories in a day. Well, half a day as I had canteen duty at Oscar’s school on the same day. You should have seen the s.t.a.t.e. I worked myself into.
I am the valedictorian of self-doubt and failure fear. It is actually ridiculous and I hate it. You know that whole philosophy that we repeat negative behaviours for a reason, that they serve a purpose. I don’t buy it. I HATE how I talk myself down. I have no idea why I do it – the perfectionist in me? The need to have everyone like me? To not let anyone down? I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I think it’s just my go to resting state and it is doing my freaking head in.
The gig is with Thomson Reuters working on two of their environmental industry newsletters and one on risk management. A five day fortnight.
This changes our lives. I am SO excited about that. And proud. Proud that something I am doing is digging us out of this hole.
I am desperately trying to focus on the good – I am excited but I am also shit scared. My anxiety is running at around a 7-8 on a scale of 1 being dead and 10 being the demonic bunnies. I know I will be fine. Good at it even. I know I just need to get started and it will fine. It’ll be fine! But at the moment I really want to stop feeling sick and panicky.