Ride to school day. Also known as how to screw with my routine.

Today was one of those ridiculous programs run by government agencies to promote exercise and the environment and whatever other goody-two-shoes cause which is the flavour of the month.

Of course the kids get none of the reasoning but LOVE the whole idea of riding to school on Ride 2 School Day. Of course every other day it’s just a monumental drag and can we all just get in the car already, I’ll be out there with the keys, hurry up MUM!!!

While I am all for kids getting excited about going to school these kind of events throw a massive spanner in my nicely ordered morning routines.

For example, Jasper was adamant it was a mufti day*. I was adamant it was not. There were tears. Luckily our school newsletter is now online because I swear to God when I looked it up it was a completely different newsletter to the one we got home in his school bag last week.

It was a mufti day.

Then where is my helmet, I can’t find my helmet, that’s not my helmet, OH THE HUMANITY.

Then there was the meltdown about his hat being in the freezer.

OH COURSE HIS HAT WAS IN THE FREEZER. I couldn’t get to the dryer because we’re re-establishing the war era and trying to fix our almost broken washing machine by completely dismantling it.

And it had to go into the dryer or the freezer because YOU HAVE FUCKING NITS AGAIN. It wasn’t even SEVEN days and the little fuckers were back.

I swear to God (again) the lice are waging their own war with the ants in this house to TOTALLY DESTROY MY WILL TO LIVE.

Mmm, at AusBlogCon I will be wearing eau de AntRid with a foundation of Quedella.

As the clock ticked every closer to actual school time it was actually looking like riding to school would actually happen.

I KNOW, he’s going to be a university before we know it.

The most exciting part of riding to school was getting to do so with a life-size sperm:

ZOMG talk about pissmypants funny.

So off they went and finally the day could return to some vague semblance of the normal level of mayhem I find palatable.

And what was Sperm Chef’s thoughts on the whole debacle on returning from riding to school on our next door neighbours bike?

“I just have to rest my testicles.”






* mufti = plain clothes.

Show Pony

This weekend saw Jasper – and me – experience his first ever dance concert. I thought he may be a bit like a deer in headlights up there on the stage, what with a packed theatre, stage lights and all. He has loved Junior Boys Hip Hop almost as much as he’s loved being able to stare at himself in the massive mirrors in the dance studio each week while I have cultivated a totally creepy and highly irrational girl-crush on his teacher. No really.

I was deeply curious to see how he would ‘cope’ with the real deal in a proper theatre with lighting and a massive audience.

People, we’re not talking some hokey little dance school here, we’re talking two evening performances and a matinee with tickets at $39 for adults and $29 for kids at a local fully legit theatre. We didn’t go … because it was fucking sold out by the time I got around to booking tickets.

Because of my creepy adulation dedicated mothering I had volunteered as a parent helper with each of the performances.

After seeing him on stage this weekend, turns out all he needed was the hair gel, outfit, lights and public adulation.

The dude loves to dance.

A happy post! Jasper turns 5!

Enough of you have been reading long enough to remember Jasper’s pregnancy and arrival so are probably just as befuddled by the fact he is now five. FIVE! Going to school next year. I mean, didn’t I just have him?

With not a grain of originality I thought I’d share with you five things about the mighty Jasper.

1. His favourite colour is pink.These are the buttercake w/ fresh strawberries mixed through (on his suggestion) topped with buttercream icing and sprinkles cupcakes he took to kindy on his birthday.

2. After a brief run of requesting penis cakes we were back to his favourite animal – the ladybird. At least we didn’t have to revisit Scary Thomas the Effing Engine this year.

3. This child of contradiction. Fiercely independent but always in need of a snuggle. My all singing, all dancing jazz-hands Jasper who has a pretty short fuse and will happily thump a brother, hard, if they annoy him/look at him/touch him/touch his stuff. A ray of sunshine full of stories and laughter with a flip-side of contemplation and serious silences.

4. He still adores trains. These last two days he has spent way too long on YouTube watching clips of model trains. He has moved on from Thomas the Effing Engine and The Polar Express has not been on in the house for about a month (gasp!) but the ending of Back to the Future III is getting a lot of airplay and while I can only endorse the original Back to the Future I can understand the love of a) a train that explodes and b) a train that flies.

5. After years dedicated to the white, the off-white, the beige, the taupe diet Jasper has decided that maybe other foodstuffs are worth investigating. It’s not game on as such but dudes, it’s progress.

Here he is with one of his presents – a pink treasure box full of pirate treasures – gold coins, rubies, diamonds and the rest (from his cousins) and his Grandpa, Chef’s Dad. There is something infectious about how family is the world to children. It makes you re-evaluate your priorities don’t you think? These holidays just gone Jasper went to my Dad and Stepmother’s on his own for the first time. He stayed for two nights and was dirty with me when I arrived to pick him up because he wanted to stay longer. He will often request a phone call to Nana and Grandpa to arrange a day – on.his.own – with them and this warms my heart.

And that I think is the biggest thing about the Mighty Jasper. When he arrived he changed the whole dynamic of our family. He brought us all together in the pure love and joy that is so unique to a newborn baby. We called him our ray of sunshine and Felix once tearily said to me, ‘I love him so much I don’t know what to do with it’.

On our recent sojourn at K’s there was a brief moment one afternoon when Jasper wanted me to lie down with him. He told me that he wanted a sister too and in fact wanted four of them. I laughed gently and told him that was not going to happen and oh, the real tears that he cried. It reminded me that Felix was five when I fell pregnant with Jasper and that I can’t believe another five years have passed. 

Happy birthday my beautiful boy, may the world always be as wondrous to you as you make ours.

Winners are grinners

On Friday I had the most glorious day, which was good considering just how shite today was. The best part was Eleanor coming to visit. This had been arranged a week before and long before I decided to run a competition and even longer before I drew the winner and the winner was Eleanor. We were both worried everyone would think I rigged it but I promise I didn’t. I DIDN’T.

She came armed with bagels and a challah. I cared for her hips with The Banana Coconut Cake. It was a delicious few hours.

She ensured Jasper will love her forever by playing some bizarre poison ball game with him on the trampoline and learning the subtle nuances of a tickle tackle. Such is their mutual admiration, they shared their glasses with each other:

Eleanor’s holding her loot here – a jar of Strawberry Rhubarb jam and a jar of Quince Relish.

And how hard is Jasper rockin’ those specs of Eleanor’s!

Winners all round.

Things on my mind

My intense dislike for People Skills (aka Tony Abbott) grows daily. It’s in the Code Red zone of Completely Irrational.

In fact, my whole feeling about this lead up to the election is making my neck itch. I’m kind of cranky and frustrated and yelling at the television and radio way too often to be healthy.

I’m certain this is why I have a rampant case of acne that rivals that of my years in puberty purgatory. I kid you not. They’re not even the pustular ones you can pick at, they’re the dirty big blind cyst like ones.

I know, I’m so purrrrty.  

The only good thing about the election is discovering new blogs and Twitterers and that Annabel Crabb has come back from maternity leave and is on fire. My girl crush on Annabel is longstanding and unwavering and completely inappropriate.

I know, purty and subtle.

My frustration is this: the focus on the politics rather than the policies is absolute. And it feels like a sprint. There’s no long term view, no vision. G’ah.
Further to the learning to ride a bike Oscar decided today would be a good day to start doing freestyle again in his hydrotherapy session. Such progress.

It was perfect because then his normal swim group arrived and he stayed in the water and did a bit of normal swimming stuff with them, allowing me to catch up with some of the mums, one of which is as excited as I am as her daughter got into St Eddies as well! We’re so hoping Oscar and Zoe will get to travel together.
Jasper is producing astounding artworks at pre-school. And I mean, really astounding not just ‘my child is so talented’ astounding.
Grover is an absolute comedian. Complete and total. From the faces to the impersonations. He’s three and a total crack-up. Either that or a pure delinquent in the making.
Did I tell you I made strawberry and rhubarb jam and it was spectacular? SPECTACULAR. Joke told me to make vats of it and sell it and for the first time I am almost compelled to do so.
We haven’t seen Inception. I had planned a sneaky solo trip to the movies today on my childfree day (inlaws had Groves) but no no no – it’s Education Week and today was Open Day at the bigger boys’ school. Oh the irony.