Some time

It’s been some time since I’ve written here but not without trying. There’s about five failed drafts before this and who knows if this too will be relegated to the bleugh pile.

What have you been up to?

I’ve been busy keeping our slightly reduced family running. There’s been some revelations for me, primarily realising how much I’d been holding my breath and dampening down my spirit. When did that start? What it just in the last year? Was it a slow and steady decline over the years after one too many cutting jibes from him over whatever my latest obsession? I’m not sure, but I do know that particularly in the last month or so I’ve felt my soul opening up again and my lungs filling with air they were unknowingly starved of.

Did I tell you he is seeing someone? I don’t think I did. Of course I had┬ámyriad questions about this development but, after the initial shock and hurt, know and accept I will never ever know the truth about how, when, why and everything in between. With a deep sense of irony she works for an agency responsible for the betterment of women. *fistpump for the sisterhood* They live together but there is no room for the boys to go and stay. Take from that what you will.

So my ‘little’ family and I trundle on and you know what, I adore it. I adore my boys, I adore our mess, I rejoice in my complete and pure rejection to dusting and feel completely unshackled to parent exactly how I want to parent. I can be the mum I always wanted to be and interestingly thought I was. And maybe I really was I just didn’t see it whereas now it is all stripped bare.

Mum is, of course, worried about me. ┬áThe last couple of weeks had seen some terse interactions reminiscent of years ago in our relationship and I wasn’t handling it particularly well. The light bulb eventually went off and I just quietly let her know that I was OK. That we were going to be OK. That everything was OK. I could see her shoulders visibly drop. Bless her.

Felix is going to change high schools for the final two years of school. We had a meeting there last night and it re-fired him somewhat about going there – I think the initial enthusiasm was waning so it was perfect timing to meet with one of the teachers and confirm what subjects he’s going to do. Felix into Year 11. Yikes.

I am – once more – attempting to lose some weight because I am – once more – pushing maximum density to a whole new high. I’m following the 5:2 plan and am almost three weeks into it. I’m only weighing myself monthly because we all know how obsessive I can get over such things. I’m keeping a food diary which is really effective. I was going to put it here but I don’t know, maybe I will, we shall see.

What else can I tell you? Why don’t you tell me your news.

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  • Rebeccathewrecker

    So good to see you here Kim

  • What a refreshing post! THANK you.. For being YOU. Me? I’m getting there.. Where I’m not sure but it’s been a year of anxiety biting my butt & me not liking much. I’ve needed hand holding & scolding (had to rhyme) to be able to make adjustments to my life. Apparently doing 3 major life changed in one will affect most/all people. Selling the house (now renting & will be indefinitely doesn’t help my security need), leaving kids & grandkids who remain in Sydney & finally finishing employment in education.. ALL 3 to become financially unburdened from “the mortgage” & seek a quieter life here on the central coast. It’s a battle in my head some days & better other days as I adjust to the newness & become braver to venture out to become connected in the outside world. Would I change it? No. But I never knew it would be THIS HARD. Love to you xx

  • this bit….
    “I felt my soul opening up again and my lungs fill with air they were unknowingly deprived of…”
    sobs.
    so proud of you.
    You are a total tower of strength Kim- one who at one of the most difficult periods of your life is still capable of self reflection and seeing the deepest and most important parts.
    truly amazing.
    much love
    xx.

  • Year 11! big steps!

  • Paola Russo

    What a lovely surprise to come here and find YOU. I missed you, your wit, your strength, your determination. Go Kim1 You are a fantastic woman and mother.

    • Oh Paola, how I miss you so. How is life in your world?

  • giggle

    Lovely to have you post again. You are an awesome mum and your boys will always know that you are there for them and have been there for them always.