Bleugh

Life is hard when you’re in a relentless marathon to outrun your mind.

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The mornings are the worst. Waking up and for the most fleeting of moments feeling calm, only for it to be swept up in a net cast in doubt, anxiety and racing thoughts. The knot in my gut starts turning on itself and the decision to get up and try and flee the feelings or to pull myself up into the smallest of balls is a decision too hard to make. A cry will involuntarily well up like the tiniest voice in the wildest of wildernesses.

Thoughts race through my brain on everything from what I’m not doing right (or not at all) with allconsuming food to the process of getting Oscar ready for school through being worried about Chef being in a dead-end job when he’s capable and deserving of so much more to financial terror and everything I haven’t done to ensure the boys will grow up to be successful and happy. These thoughts can’t be pinned down, they jump around, thumping my brain over and over, pre-empting my attempts to wrestle them into a manageable murmur.

I try so hard to calm my mind, telling myself how futile these thoughts are. I am the valedictorian of cognitive therapy techniques and I pull them out, one after the other, frantically trying to rebuild the armour to get through another day.

Life is hard when you’re in a relentless marathon to outrun your mind.

Thoughts of suicide are my shadow, lurking around me. I find it curious there’s no drama around it, just a quiet knowledge that all the stress, all the self hatred, all the feelings of embarrassment, shame and regret about my life could so easily be washed away. There’s a jagged fault line in my mind between this daily dream of death and acting on it. I’ve been in situations where I’ve been able to say “I’m not safe”, where the gash narrows and I can easily step across. I’m not there now but I worry about its possible entrance stage right. But as my shrink says, life trumps everything, even if it’s messy and broken.

More than 2,000 people commit suicide in Australia every year. There are more than 60,000 reported suicide attempts and it’s accepted those figures are an underestimate. More than 20% of all deaths in young men and women are by suicide*.

Today my psychiatrist prescribed lithium to give me a “floor”. I’m quite looking forward to having one of those.

Onward.

 

 

 

* Figures from the National Mental Health Commission.

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  • I was listening to Russ Harris talk this year and he explained that at some stage in our lives 1 in 2 people will consider suicide but still we don’t always talk openly about those feelings. I cant stand when people judge others when they admit these feelings because I’ve never come across a person who felt they had a choice to feel that way – life and our brains take away that choice. Im sorry you’re on such a shit ride at the moment – hope the floor strengthens soon (not to be confused with the pelvic floor – bit hope thats strong too) x

    • wouldn’t it be awesome if doing your kegels (is that what they’re called) had a direct correlation to your mental health?

  • Badger

    OH DUDE. It was right about this time last year that I had a major breakdown that resulted in me throwing dozens of bottles of carefully hoarded pills at my husband and screaming at him to get rid of them before I could take them while he frantically dialed my therapist. I have so been there and lived with that feeling of why not just stop it all once and for all? Just remember it comes in waves/cycles and that means when you’re down, there’s nowhere to go but up. It’s a cliche but it’s true. It will get better. IT WILL IT WILL. I am so much better now, at least FOR now, than I was then. I’m glad your doc is aware and that the two of you are on top of things. Don’t leave me, man. xoxo

    • We really are the same person just in different cities aren’t we?

  • Annie Reuss

    You really are an amazing human. xxxx

  • Susan, Mum to Molly

    Oh Kim… What can we do to help?

    I don’t really know you, but I for one would be willing to go on a roster of people to give you a call each morning to help you get thru those first awful minutes…

    After reading Eden’s news just now I cannot fathom how you get through that dark, dark place/thoughts each day – but if my crazy idea appeals to you just let us know.
    Meanwhile please do know that there are lots of us who only know you through your writing who love and admire you.

    Strength for tomorrow, first thing in the morning especially…

    • Oh you are lovely. I am blessed to have an incredible network of awesome people around me. I don’t know how I get through it either. It is as basic as one foot in front of the other.

      • Susan, Mum to Molly

        One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

        It has long been my mantra that I can only walk the road that is at my feet…

        Feeling like you are constantly failing someone is very very sh!tty.

        Let me know if I can give you a call, or take you out for coffee…

  • Paola

    I think about suicide every.single.day as a relief, for me but mostly fo rthe people around me. I can tell nobody can stand me anymore. And that is bad. Yet, I am here, I think of myself as a big fat coward because I think, I think, I think. But I never will. Youa re not alone honey. And I am not even on pills or seeing a doctor. I just live with it. Sad. True.

  • trying to cope too

    thank-you, thank-you for your honesty….i know EXACTLY where you are coming from…wish I didn’t

  • therasebyrne12

    Recently I was really, really low on cash and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money.. on the internet! I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills! I’m so glad, I did this!!! With all the financial stress these years, I really hope all of you will give it a chance. – lmj8