Darkness falls, shutters close.

This weekend has been hell. I started new head meds on Friday and the rest is history.

I don’t want to write about it. Can’t.

But I’ve never felt this not-safe before. My psychiatrist asked me on Wednesday did I feel like I would act on my thoughts and I said no. Fast forward a few days and the answer is so so different. I have enough clarity of thought to know not to, the damage it would do, but there are moments I can see how it happens. There are moments I want it to happen just to make the feelings go away.

I didn’t take them today and this afternoon I started to feel a little bit better.

It’s tenuous.

Before the meds the panic attacks were physical. They were hard, raw, big scraggy rocks that were falling on me.

After the meds it was in my head and everything felt painfully fragile. Like one noise too loud, one thought too dark, one action misunderstood and I would shatter into a million tiny shards. Brittle.

I can not be still. If I am still the brain starts. You should see how clean our toilets are. I’m scared about going to bed for fear of how and when I will wake up. The demons at 4am areĀ viscous.

There is no rational thought, justĀ one on loop – I can’t feel like this any more.

Psychiatrist will be called first thing Monday morning.




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  • Hold on there, Kim. Not long til Monday. If I prayed, I’d be doing it for you, but since I’m a horrendous atheist you’ll have to settle for my positive thoughts.
    The Accidental Housewife recently posted..Snark on Pinterest

  • I send a prayer –
    can you not go to a hospital?
    blackbird recently posted..Saturday

    • I’m too scared to be honest – mental health in our public hospital system? A deal-breaker. Also – I don’t think I’m bad enough – isn’t that weird. Or typically female? I don’t know.

    • OH, I did got to the hospital on Saturday morning – missed my tough mudder bootcamp and all. They gave me 5mg of valium and then some 2mg ones to take with the meds. Tried that yesterday. It was UGHly. I don’t want to go back.

  • sending you love, xxx.
    Amelia recently posted..Organisation

  • Suz

    I’m sending my love and my support to you Kim. Hold on tight xo

    • Thanks Suz, hanging on for grim life over here.

  • Kim I have no advise but I want to tell you I actually wet my pants last night and had to walk astride-style to the toilet and get whole new pants…
    I am also considering stabbing my boss in the head with a kitchen fork.
    Whatever, however…get to tomorrow.
    The world would nit be the same if you weren’t sharing…. It would be pink and flowery and frilly and not real at all.
    Much much love

    • I need more details. WHY did you wet your pants. Details dude, I need details.

      And I DARE you to stab your boss in the head with a fork – hell even in the thigh would be fun. Think of the blog fodder!

      You could be like the modern day version of Prisoner!

      (thank you)

  • Oh Kim. That’s shithouse.

    I hope you can get it sorted out. For what it’s worth – my specialist says to only get the Diabex brand – but that’s for the nausea side of things. I notice a huge difference between the brands. xxxxxxxxx
    Chantelle recently posted..Win a 3 Annies camera bag

    • Thanks Chantelle – I’m wondering if some of the nausea is coming from the metformin and NOT the new head meds. Thanks for the heads up.

  • my toilets need you!!! did that get a mini smirk? thinking of you in ur darkness xoxo
    sending biggest hugs x
    Ruth recently posted..Darkness falls, shutters close.

    • I’m smirking. It’s a whole new job opening for me.

  • Narelle

    I hope things turn for you soon and Monday morning arrives peacefully.

  • I know that feeling. And I hate, as must you, that there is no easy fix, other than perhaps valium, until you get the right meds.

    Hang in there, Kim. Just get through each minute as best you can.
    Dorothy @ Singular Insanity recently posted..Let it go….

  • Pauline

    Very brave to share. Have you got a plan to keep yourself safe until tomorrow morning?
    I am with the atheist and sending you positive protective thoughts xx

    • Lovely lady – I haven’t even had a chance to re-connect with you and everything you are going through. I have thought of you often. A get-together when Eleanor is back? I think we’ll both need it.

  • Megan

    Oh Kim
    Where you are right now is excruciating. I want to say so much but everything I try to write sounds trite. Even though the pain you describe sounds very similar to unbearable places I have been to too, it is impossible to know what to say to you because we each find our own unique way up or through or out, of this terrible, terrible place. You will find YOUR way. Meds, therapy, exercise, baking, reading, writing – one of them will pull you past this.

  • You’re a beautiful woman.

    I lost my mind the other day, it slipped down the back of my skull. Felt like there were vultures stabbing me with their beaks and I just crumbled. Broken facades.

    Kim if we were in the Olympics we would be the endurance runners, the marathon people whose legs sometimes give way and get all shaky and shit but we keep striving.

    You will not always feel this way.

    Love to you.

    edenland recently posted..Love At Second Bite

    • I’m with Eden on this Kim- you will not always feel this way. When the fog lifts, as it will, it can lift so suddenly it will surprise you. Keep swimming, just keep swimming- as slowly as you need to. Think of us out here as the dolphins swimming beside you, willing you on. Ax
      alison recently posted..Building a wall of hands

  • Thinking of you Kim.
    Matthew Gain recently posted..Publicity vs PR

  • Leanne

    Hang in there! Always darkest before the dawn…but the dawn will bring Monday! Hugs….

  • OH DUDE. This week my boy child said to me that he felt his misophonia was a death sentence and that he had lost all hope. And then we came up with a plan to deal with what he was dealing with and we tweaked his meds and he had a better day the next day. Not a good day, but a better day. And I drank a gallon of tequila.

    I wish I were there in person to see you through this, I really do. You’d make a cake and I’d bring the booze and we’d plan to run off to a nunnery somewhere together. Or some sort of slightly less tragic Thelma and Louise sort of thing. We wouldn’t do it, we’d just PLAN it.

    It’s Sunday a.m. here which means it’s not long until Monday there. Just hold on. And let us know how Monday goes.
    Kathy recently posted..Unwinding the despair spiral

  • ssheers

    Kim: please just hang in there. Positive thoughts, vibes, hugs, and prayers (whatever works) from the other side of the world.

  • Kim, I’m so sorry you’re in this place right now. I don’t know what to say. Please reach out for help if you feel you need it. You need to stay in this world, babe. Your kids would be utterly lost without you. Life on planet earth can be hell, but we need to tough it out and take the gut punches. That’s the law, Don’t break it or I’ll blog about you.

    Take care of yourself. Much love. xoxo
    Wanderlust recently posted..Oh god no, not the dream

  • Sooz

    What goes down must come up, just ask a bed shark. It’s temporary, hold on. Those legs are steel springs just keep on running.

  • Mary

    Reading side effects of new med you are on and Very glad you are seeing psych today.

    Wish you didn’t have to go through this.
    Please check in with us all.

  • I have no helpful words at all. Just glad it’s Monday. xx
    Frogdancer recently posted..Skinflint Sunday: Enjoy the quiet times.

  • This will pass. I promise you, as horrendous as this is.
    Calling your psychiatrist is the right thing to do and don’t rule out hospital if you need it.
    This will end.
    Take care.

  • Pia

    Wishing all those demon thoughts away, keep the hands moving even if it means cleaning and scrubbing, cuddle chef and the boys keep the good wam love feeling there, breath slowly knowing this is temporary, you will get thru this…….. X x

  • Pia

    Wishing all those demon thoughts away, keep the hands moving even if it means cleaning and scrubbing, cuddle chef and the boys keep the good wam love feeling there, breath slowly knowing this is temporary, you will get thru this…….. X x

  • Monday is here Kim, you made it. Take care, and don’t let the psych talk you into persevering with the meds if you don’t feel they are right for you. We need you.

  • Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug. You are doing brilliantly, and it’s Monday morning now. E x

  • Monday’s here Kim, u made it. Pia’s right, hug the boys, hugs & kisses from my girls seem to make everything better! Take care. Be strong.
    P.S. I’m only new to reading yr blogs but I’m so enjoying them I’m starting from the beginning. Thank u for yr honesty, I feel like I’ve known u for ever.
    Gabrielle recently posted..Darkness falls, shutters close.

  • Ah bollocks. Life is like a bowl of muesli. sometimes it’s all delicious and nutritious and other times it is just full of those shitty fake pineapple bits you have to spit out and somehow you’re supposed to carry on eating one spoonful after the other, Lordy knows how.
    Love love x
    Cybele recently posted..Highlights from the Household Olympics

  • Thinking of you too Kim x

  • I did a mental health course last year and the one thing that I can give to you is “Life is a Rollercoaster … you just got to ride it …”. I hope you are safe and well and that your Monday improved your week.
    Nessaknit recently posted..Science Fair

  • If you are onward, we are onward with you. Also sending you my atheist positive vibes xx
    veggie mama recently posted..Meatless Monday – pumpkin and cannellini bean salad with haloumi and kale. Plus good news for Loving Earth fans!