Yesterday something fun and wonderful happened – more on that to come in another post. It was silly fun with a PR company and their client Procter & Gamble. I won some money. I won a lot of money.
My heart sang – maybe going to NYC for NYE to mark my 40th year could really happen.
Chef and I are working on a plan for our own business which will dramatically alter our lives and the plan was that part of that would be squirreled away for this NYC dream.
But this, this would really make it a possibility.
But I had a little pit in my stomach that had been there since last week when I’d seen the reaction of someone close to me when I’d told them about this opportunity I had coming up.
Yesterday the second thing they said to me after I told them knocked me hard back to reality. Later they used the phrase, ‘you don’t have a hope in hell of doing that’ all the while putting their stresses and their fears on to me.
I’ve basically been a gutted teary angry mess ever since. I’ve got my load of stress and fear, much of it the same as theirs but goddammit if I don’t have something, some little light on the hill to tell my soul ‘you go for it’, ‘it won’t always be this hard’, ‘have some fun‘ then what the hell am I doing here?
I don’t know about you, maybe you’re made of stronger stuff than me, but I need to be able to hang on to those things and maybe, every so often, have those things without guilt. Without guilt.
Who knows if I will get to NYC at the end of this year but I at least want to try. To dream. To hope.
But this isn’t even about that. This is about smothering someone’s happiness. About quashing their hope. About not allowing someone to feel good about something.
Hope is a funny thing. It can propel you forward with great pace and at other times leave you completely, thus rendering you desolate and so very much alone. Bereft.
There is much in our lives that can buffet hope out of us faster than we can grab on to it and put it firmly back in our hearts. Everyday that battle rages and some days life will win, hope will flee.
So hold on to your hope, whatever it’s for – big or small, important or incidental.
Hope is beautiful. Hope is important. Hope is necessary.
And whatever you do, don’t take it from someone else.