Hope

Yesterday something fun and wonderful happened – more on that to come in another post. It was silly fun with a PR company and their client Procter & Gamble. I won some money. I won a lot of money.

My heart sang – maybe going to NYC for NYE to mark my 40th year could really happen.

Chef and I are working on a plan for our own business which will dramatically alter our lives and the plan was that part of that would be squirreled away for this NYC dream.

But this, this would really make it a possibility.

But I had a little pit in my stomach that had been there since last week when I’d seen the reaction of  someone close to me when I’d told them about this opportunity I had coming up.

Yesterday the second thing they said to me after I told them knocked me hard back to reality. Later they used the phrase, ‘you don’t have a hope in hell of doing that’ all the while putting their stresses and their fears on to me.

SMACKDOWN!

I’ve basically been a gutted teary angry mess ever since. I’ve got my load of stress and fear, much of it the same as theirs but goddammit if I don’t have something, some little light on the hill to tell my soul ‘you go for it’, ‘it won’t always be this hard’, ‘have some fun‘ then what the hell am I doing here?

I don’t know about you, maybe you’re made of stronger stuff than me, but I need to be able to hang on to those things and maybe, every so often, have those things without guilt. Without guilt.

Who knows if I will get to NYC at the end of this year but I at least want to try. To dream. To hope.

But this isn’t even about that. This is about smothering someone’s happiness. About quashing their hope. About not allowing someone to feel good about something.

Hope is a funny thing. It can propel you forward with great pace and at other times leave you completely, thus rendering you desolate and so very much alone. Bereft.

There is much in our lives that can buffet hope out of us faster than we can grab on to it and put it firmly back in our hearts. Everyday that battle rages and some days life will win, hope will flee.

So hold on to your hope, whatever it’s for – big or small, important or incidental.

Hope is beautiful. Hope is important. Hope is necessary.

And whatever you do, don’t take it from someone else.

 

Onward.

 

 

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  • So sad.I saw a little of the conversation on twitter. So excited for you and I agree – to hold on to your hope, whatever it’s for, big or small, important or incidental, hope is beautiful. Hope is important. Hope is necessary.
    I HOPE you make it to NYC.
    Trish recently posted..Today – the wall !

  • Cat

    Without hope I don’t think life is well, so fun. Without hope there is misery I think. I am so sorry this person squished your hope into a different shape. I have hope for you in spades lovely & more than that, I am willing it to happen for you too! Oh, and super big congrats on the win! xxxx
    Cat recently posted..Bittersweet

  • I look forward to the day when i won’t look to other people for validation, and when other people’s fears and negativity won’t dismiss my hope and joy. It would be nice to feel less vulnerable to other people’s shit but I don’t seem to be mastering that either. I wish you a thicker skin to keep your hope safe.

  • I don’t know what I’d be without hope, without dreams.
    I come from a long line of hopers and dreamers. It gets us through the shit.
    Dream on, hold on to hope, keep NYC in your sights.

    x
    Naomi recently posted..Shifting time

  • We shall meet.
    I have no doubt.
    blackbird recently posted..all the pretty pictures

    • I think I need to frame this. Can I frame it? I think I must.

  • Friends are supposed to support you and bolster your spirits even if inside they don’t agree.

    You earned every cent of that money yesterday and deserve it so much. I just know you’ll have an amazing time in NYC.

    • Yeah, someone ‘close’ not a friend per se. And thank you lovely lady. It was quite a blast.

  • Hello

    I think your vision is fabulous!! And NYC rocks. I didn’t go there until i was about 40 and WOW it was amazing – even with a one year old attached to my side. My only regret was that I didn’t go earlier.

    You said in your post that what your close friend said knocked you hard back to reality. I know how much that hurts. You know though, as you discovered through your tears and came out the other side, it was their reality, not yours. The reality you have (and had before those comments came) makes you feel good, it makes you live laugh, dream and in turn you pass those feelings on to those around you. Next time someone tries to rob you of that, inadvertently or not, just let it pass you by. It’s not yours, it’s theirs.

    • Oh THANK YOU. I thought that last night – this is THEIR stuff, not mine. It’s hard to shirk that monkey off your back when someone is constantly putting it onto you. So thank you for these words. I needed them and appreciate them.

  • I don’t know why we (as people) do that. I suspect those who do it to others justify it in their minds along the lines of ‘well, better realistic now than heart broken later’ or something similar. But this overlooks the fact that the hope, the dream itself, is sustaining, regardless of whether it is ever fulfilled. It has a point all on it’s own. We have to tread so carefully around other’s dreams, they are such delicate, fragile things.
    Julie recently posted..Some people

    • Yes Julie, they are. And they are theirs. We might think them silly or completely unattainable, but it’s not our place to tell them that. Ever.

  • Anyone who tells you you can’t do something is someone who has let fear drown their own hope. Don’t give in to the dreamstealers.
    Wanderlust recently posted..The incredible, unquenchable soul-eating machine

    • Everyone reading these comments needs to go and read Wanderlust’s post – it explains perfectly my relationship with this person now. And my shrinking.

      • my goodness, I’ve just spent half my evening on Wanderlust’s blog. It’s mind blowing.
        Julie recently posted..Some people

  • In the immortal words of Journey… “Don’t stop believing, hold on to that feeling….”

    And really, if you look hard enough for it there is always something to feel guilty about. If it’s not “I should be using this money for my family” then it’s “I should be using this money for my education” or “Damn, there are a lot of Rwandan orphans.” So just stop. Draw a line. And GO TO NEW YORK! After all, that’s what life and money are for. Live a little 🙂
    The Accidental Housewife recently posted..Pumpkin Soup

  • Emmasbrain

    You worked hard yesterday woman!! And you kicked some fabulous A! Never feel bad for choosing to feel good about that. You deserve very little bit of great.

  • Linda

    as a teenager i heard those same words from my mother, repeatedly.

    so i stopped trusting her with my hopes and dreams. her loss.

    in her own strange way she did teach me to encourage her grandchildren to hope and follow their dreams.

    i have come across other hope-crushers and learnt not to share with them either. haven’t had the time or engery to try and figure out their motives.

    hopes and dreams come right before ‘action’ so i am beside myself with joy that you will be going to NYC!

    (my daughter always ‘hoped’ to go the NCY one day- only 12 more sleeps until she flies out)

  • Some people. Is it a power thing? That keeping you suppressed gives them superiority? I dunno.

    The way I came to be married to my husband and have a child with him was an unusual and difficult period. I gave my daughter the middle name “Hope” as a reward and reminder for what we had achieved. Even though it sounds a little Days of Our Lives.

    There is no good reason why you can’t be in NYC for NYE. xx
    Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently posted..My golden rule for choosing a godparent

  • trash

    Both times I hv been asked I hv made it clear God and I hv agreed to disbelieve in each other and that I am definitely a Champagne and Races kind of godmother.

  • I just spent 4 days with my parents, my father who I know loves me blah blah blah etc did not ask me one question about my life or ‘work’ (I don’t think sewing counts as work) all week, the entire time. Not one question. He seemed stunned this morning when he overheard my Mum and I talking about something potentially exciting that may happen for me. Still no discussion, obviously not something that was interesting to him. Thank god I married someone amazingly supportive.

  • Love I know what you mean. Don’t let the turkeys get you down. Risk is the bugbear of hope and some people can’t risk anything… and so try to make sure nobody else risks anything either. My partner is a glass half empty guy (if you even GET a glass). Starting my own business – was all about what if this or that happens, why do you think you can do it, etc etc.
    Listen to the voices that lift you up, not hold onto your ankles while you’re trying to fly.
    I hope you get what you hope for!
    xxx

    • Remarkable huh. I now don’t tell this person a lot of stuff because I just can’t take their voice of doom reaction or approach to it all.

  • trash

    Aaak! Wrong blog. This is the downside to so many windows open at once.

    My response to yr post Kim was ‘Bastards!’ However unconciously it seems some people delight in bringing others down. Dreams are the signposts to achievement and big dreams mean big achievements. You go you good thing.

  • Fuck them, I say.

    Give it your best shot! xx
    Fiona recently posted..#jeansfreephona Day 2 – Grey Kitty

  • Who the hell said that??? Little they no. Without the dream, there’s nothing!
    Life In A Pink Fibro recently posted..In sport as in life, take no hostages…

    • the funny thing is Allison, this is the person that years ago showed me a little cartoon they’d cut out of a magazine that they carried around in their wallet. It was a row of cute little birds sitting on a telephone wire. One little bird, at the end, was desperately trying to fly, flapping its wings furiously with a determined little look on its face. She showed it to me and said, ‘that bird, that is the bird I always want to be’. So much has changed.

  • Ugh. That should read ‘little do they know’ – my brain is often ahead of my fingers!
    Life In A Pink Fibro recently posted..In sport as in life, take no hostages…

  • Suz

    Kim, I understand this so well. I have given up a lot of little pieces of me since autism became part of our world and I have to fight, with others and myself, to hold onto the hopes I have for all of our family. Sometimes I hear and see the negativity that cruises around through people’s heads and hearts and I despair. I believe in that light on the hill, I do and I work hard to distance the negative Nellie’s around me…..but hard to do that when it is people who are close. Good on you for your win…big yay and I hope for a NYC visit for you. Oh, and if that light on your hill goes a little dim sometimes, you are so very welcome to gather around mine! xx

  • Megan

    What an incredibly moving post. Hope is a beautiful word. Without hopes and dreams we have nothing. How else can we imagine our future, enjoy our present and make peace with our past. So much wisdom in the comments too. Protect yourself Kim from people who are trying to dim your light. As others have said, don’t tell this person your hopes and dreams, keep them safe, and if they give you a great big load of ‘their stuff’ to carry just gracefully put it down. The only thing I would add is people behave like this and say terribly cruel things if they themselves are without hopes and dreams. Maybe if you can uncover what pain and bitterness is behind this need to hurt others, this person’s aggressive lack of support may lessen.

    Also, NYC will happen. I’m certain of it. The city is a living, breathing entity and hears people’s calls but don’t put a time frame on it. Sometimes things take their own time to happen. Sydney is much better for NYE and winter in NYC is brutal, Central Park looks shit, the place is full of tourists. Aug/Sept/Oct is the best time, the UN is sitting, the weather is just turning, new Broadway shows open etc etc. the city is really humming. So keep the dream alive, that $2500 is an amazing signal of support from someone for sure.

  • Fe

    You, my love, can do anything. I know this because you do EVERYTHING all of the time and do a great bloody job of it.

    xxx

  • Hope is everything. People who kill it are dangerous. Hang on and fight everyone off it.

    And hey, when NYC is calling, she’s calling. There’s probably a reason. Go girl. In your very own words, onward. Ax
    alison recently posted..Ordinary Homes and Gardens- Amy’s Place

  • Mrs WOOG

    It may be flippant for me to say this, but I never look back at the naysayers. Xx

  • Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist

    I heart you so much. I’ve had a person very close to me treat me this way for a very very long time. I know exactly why ….it’s their own fears magnified when you/I speak of taking a shot…giving something a go… Kim..I’ve waited faaaaar too long to take back my power..& I am indeed, please don’t be like me. Afraid. We have much to talk about. one day. Soon xxxxx
    Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist recently posted..Leaving The Nest. As a Pre-Schooler.

  • Laura

    Kim,
    Congratulations! I am not sure what you won or what is going on…. but keep the dream.
    It is yours! Anything good is going to benefit Chef and your darling boys.
    Treasure your dream and take good care of it! That dream is part of you.

  • Oh dude. Someone very close to me is a naysayer, always finding the negative in everything. I think in my case it might be a generational thing but it is not ever fun and has resulted in me not sharing much with this person anymore.

    That said, I am only just catching up on all this and I am THRILLED for you! Thrilled! You deserve every bit of success and dream fulfillment and GOOD THINGS coming your way. xo
    Kathy recently posted..Summer 1978: A day in the life

  • Oh honey. My Outlaws are ALL naysaying, negativity-oozing people. Too much time in their company starts to impact on me and not in a good way. It’s incredibly exhausting being the only bright light in the room, you know?

    You WILL get to NYC because you are also a bright light… don’t stop shining xx
    What Sarah Did Next recently posted..Pressure… Pain… and Pajamas.

  • It sounds like it’s time you closed that bit of your mind that listens to the negative force in your life. Not worth the energy – use it focus on the hope instead. Life is about chasing the dreams. Can’t wait to hear all about your next adventure xx
    bigwords recently posted..It Takes A Village – Madam Bipolar

  • Nicky

    Hi Kim

    If in this place you are detained/Don’t look around you all in vain/But cast your net and you shall find/That every cloud is silver lined… Still.

    This poem was found in a tunnel used by soldiers under the Somme in WW1 – it sums up hope for me. Naysayers can really go and get stuffed.You are really encouraging and so genuinely happy for the success of others. People can be surprisingly odd about seeing others do well with plans and dreams. Going through tough times to get there will make the trip all the more special. Wishing you and yours the best in the new business and NYC – the most city in the world for me.

  • Paola

    There’s an old Italian saying: “La speranza è l’ultima a morire” which translates “Hope is the last to die”.
    So NEVER give up on hope, what would anyone be without hope. And how in the world does anyone dare crush someone elses hope … that is despicable. Fuck them.
    You WILL go to NYC.

  • Hi Kim
    Thinking about you today (2 days post hope deflation) and just wanted to ask RUOK?

    Alison x
    alison recently posted..Ordinary Homes and Gardens- Amy’s Place

  • Kim

    Grrr to that person. You can only feel what you allow yourself to feel so don’t let that person’s negativity in. You truly deserved to win, otherwise God would not have let this happen to you. Hope is what keeps us alive.

  • vanessia

    I lost my 10 years relationship during April. My ex left me with so many pains and since then i have been heart broken and shattered. I have contact 15 spell casters and 10 of them has rip me off my money without any result. I have Emailed so many sites online looking for a good spell caster till i was directed by a 16 years old girl to alterofcandletemple@gmail.com At first i never believed him because he was requesting for some amount of money to buy items, it took him three weeks to convince me and something occur to mind and i said let me give him a trial.
    I was very shocked when Ruben called four days after i sent Dr opingo the items money. He apologies for all he has done wrong and i am very happy that we are together today because he proposed to me last night. I will advise you contact alterofcandletemple@gmail.com because he has done wonders in my life and i believe he can help you out in any problem