Sexy times

with 35 comments

Recently Chef and I have been reaping in the bounty, THE BOUNTY, of the return of my libido, something that has been in dormancy for more than a decade (if we’re being truly honest). Unfortunately Oscar’s hospital visit, financial woes, me crashing the car and having a particularly crackers red ninja attack) have put short shrift to it.

So, while Chef reflects on what was possibly the best month of his life (seriously, it rivalled his lunchtime conjugal visits when we were first going out and Chef (working for his dad during uni holidays) would get his dad to drop him over to my place for his lunch break (AUDACIOUS!) and I will the bits back into action, The Huffington Post put an article up today about “Sex Life Satisfaction”. As IF eleventy gagillion people weren’t going to click through to that story. Basically an exercise magazine and yahoo teamed up and interviewed 1,000 people aged between 18 and 64 about their sex life.

Here are the pearls of responses:

Dinner And Wine Turns us on
Apparently the “good old-fashioned dinner date” is the way into our pants. It ranked about a sexy movie (is that code for a porno or just a very generous description of The Notebook?), a sexy text or phone call or – wait for it – invigorating exercise. I find that surprising because I find nothing more of a turn on than flogging my guts out with some kettle bells and weighted balls to come home and play with Chef’s.

Curiously there is no mention of what a turn-on it is for women if the man doesn’t leave his dirty undies on the floor, vacuums, makes dinner, cleans up after dinner without having to be asked, voluntarily puts on a load of washing, hangs it out, brings it in, sorts it, puts it away, cleans his skid marks out of the toilet bowl immediately following the delivery of said skid marks, cleans the toilet, doesn’t fart…

Sorry, where was I?

Women need Verbal Affirmation
44% of women said their partner saying “I love you” was a turn-on compared to only 26% having the same reaction to being told, “You are so hot”. Poor Chef, he tells me he loves me all the time. But he also says how hot I am, how much he loves my boobs and still gives a little “boobies!” squee when they are released from their holding pen. Then again, he also manages to give almost every single statement I make a sexual innuendo gag. It’s a chef thing. Regardless, it’s not working. NEXT!

We want more time for sex and for sleep
If given an extra hour in the day, 35% said they’d “have great sex” (as opposed to having the average or boring varieties) while 20% said they’d “catch up on sleep”. Curiously men were almost twice as likely to choose sex than women. How surprising. How would you spend an extra hour a day? I’d probably waste it on Twitter. Or checking out some new gay porn fan fiction and servicing the lady garden which would in-turn turn Chef on no end but satisfy me nicely enough I needed no follow-up on his return home that evening. Thereby creating the scenario where he would want more sex from that extra hour while I’d be requesting sleep. NEXT!

All It Takes Is 42 Minutes
When asked how long their “lovemaking sessions” lasted, the average response was 42 minutes. HOLY SEXY UNDIES BATMAN, FORTY TWO minutes. Guys, I’m not sure, maybe Chef and I are doing it wrong, but if we were at it for 42 minutes, dear GOD I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. FORTY TWO MINUTES??? Almost an HOUR of sexy time? My vagina is hurting – and not in a good way – at the thought of it. Surely that is a lie. I mean, even when the libido kicked back in and there was a LOT of lovin’ occurring, granted I did not have my eye on the clock but I significantly doubt it was anywhere NEAR 42 minutes.


Head, officially exploding.

Talking dirty
Nearly half of the women surveyed (42%) said that they had “talked dirty” on the phone to a romantic interest. Really? I mean, Chef tries it on but I struggle with it. I reckon it is a rare area of my personality where you can apply the term ‘prude’. It just feels weird and in bed, well, it makes me want to laugh which, hello, MOOD KILLER.

Most Women Have Consistent Sex Lives
69% (teehee, I said 69!) of women said they have sex 1-3 times a week. Yeah, that sounds about right. When my libido was hibernating the goal was once a week – to at least make Chef look a little less forlorn, when it was in full flight the action was on 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice in the one night (OUTRAGEOUS!) but really, if it’s not scheduled it’s pretty easy to slide of my radar. Ah, scheduling. So so romantic.


So does this all have you nodding in agreement? anything to add? to call into question?





Written by allconsuming

May 18th, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Posted in stuff 'n nonsense