Surviving Summer Holidays Pt 1 – also known as don’t mess with the Cool Enforcer

So I’m kinda ready to sell the children.

Here is how it goes.

If we are not heading out by 8.30-9am then it has all descended to hell by 10-10.30 and is a complete right-off by lunch.

The other day I overheard Jasper – JASPER, the THREE.YEAR.OLD – whispering to Oscar ‘let’s get Felix’.

Today he went to the bathroom then went into their room waving his naked little butt in their faces screaming ‘oooey poooey’.

Naturally, when they came thundering down to the kitchen half-laughing half-terrified of getting crapped on I just very calmy said, ‘you reap what you sow’.

Then I saw the arse and brought a swift end to the whole shenanigans with a required Huggies wipe.

So I’ve instigated a ‘rule’ as such (not that I’ve told them) where we’re going over to the beach each morning. It wipes the little fellas out and gets the bigger boys playing with each other so they remember that maybe they like each other and instead of spending the rest of the day saying narky things to each other (why can my child with a severe speech impediment say ‘shut up’ really quite clearly) and/or trying to kill each other in some homage to the WWE.

Which brings me to the whole notion of the WWE, something Blackbird actually touched on.

I don’t get it.

I don’t want to get it.

I find myself wondering about just how much those Divas sweat under all that latex/pvc clothing and big hair and big lights.

I marvel at the crowds they pull each and every week.

I am concerned what is falling out of my brain as names like the Undertaker, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio hit me over the head with a collapsible chair.

Apart from that, Felix seems intent on pissing off his siblings from the moment he gets up to the moment he reluctantly goes to bed. It is, of course, always their fault.

Oscar – also known as Shadow – just follows me around so.closely. that SEVERAL.TIMES.A.DAY. I turn around and bump into him.

Grover has discovered he can climb onto the office desk and pull things off the shelves ABOVE the desk. The shelves where all the crap important things get dumped stored out of childrens’ reach. He can now reach the benchtops quite a distance in. Number of times I’ve removed a major chef’s knife from his hands these holidays? Eleventy gagillion.

Yesterday we took them to the movies to see Bolt, but be warned – if it’s Bolt 3D there’s no tight-arse Tuesday ticket prices. Oh NO – because it’s 3D and you need these ‘special’ glasses (that would probably cost 6 cents to make in China by some poor child) it is full price so hello the movies costing us over SEVENTY FUCKING DOLLARS. JESUS. I mean, the technology is pretty amazing and granted, once I adjusted to it and it stopped making me feel car sick it was quite cool, but holy smoke that was an expensive family outing.

So in short, they’re driving me insane. I’m all ‘three weeks to go, three weeks to go’.

But then, at exactly the same time, I’m loving it. I’m loving the noise, how the house vibrates as they go thundering through, the complex wrestling games enacted throughout the house, how we can now not go anywhere without several high-density balls in tow, how we’ve eaten out the back on the new deck every single night since we got the new table – which was the beginning of December, how when we go to the movies Oscar, Jasper and Grover generally end up running around down the front and how I now just don’t care and on and on it goes. I know it’ll be nice when school goes back to just have some breathing space back (I seriously do not have A.N.Y. time to myself at the moment – even bathroom stops generally have someone in tow providing commentary or asking for another iceblock. Jasper is quite taken with the fact I don’t have a penis but a gina. A gina is, apparently, very very funny.) but I also know I’ll be honking for the next holidays and an end to the daily grind of getting to school and homework.

That’s the update for the moment. As you were.

Oh go and check out this, it’s fun.

Our family?
Chef – Bulldog Testicleeze (oh you all don’t know just how appropriate that is)
Me – Cool Enforcer (how appropriate is that!!!)
Oscar – Silver Jackal (he laughs like a jackal when watching WWE, such is his delight)
Felix – Bad News Buttermilk
Jasper – Grizzly Stink Face (I mean, after the whole ‘ooey pooey’ affair … ’nuff said)
Grover – Bad News Steel