and I didn’t even eat lots of cheese last night

OH DUDES I am knackered.

Apart from Grover being up at 10.30 (I was still awake), 12.30 (I was so asleep) and 3.30 (who ever invented the 3.3o in the morning was an idiot) it was the cuuurrazzy dreams that wore me out.

You were all there – Blackbird, Badger, Eleanor, Duyvken, BabelBabe to name a few – plus all these other women including my best friends from school and loads of other bitchy girls who scared me witless back then. You know, the ones without pimples who were thin, had boyfriends (even though we were at an all girls school) and gorgeous shiny hair.

We all had young babies. I can almost hear Badger falling off her chair at the thought.

It was some sort of Mothercraft weekend respite but it had elements of Desperate Housewives – that red-headed one was there and she was mean and crazy – and a lot of ANTM (we had to do wardrobe changes and make-up challenges).

There was a lot of running around and giggling. Kinda like Year 9 camp but with a level of adrenalin and competition and all-round more sophisticated bitchiness.

There was also a Mormon element. With those who were Mormon talking about how their third-born had that – and I quote – ‘typical mormon third child married to their older sibling connection‘. Creepy.

We all drew straws as to who got to sleep in which dorm each night – and the night Blackbird got the Mormons with their eleventy gagillion snot nosed children (who were curiously all dressed like they were Amish) I was lying next to her on her bed gossiping (see Year 9 camp reference) and said under my breath (in typical ANTM style where everyone can still hear you) ‘Oh you’re so not getting any sleep tonight’.

Anyway, when it came time to go to my dorm I picked up our backpack and Kill yelled at me to ‘RUN. No. STOP. Don’t move, THROW THE BAG’. There was all that thrashing panic and as I turned to look there was a massive tarantula in the bag, but then, when we turned around, they were everywhere. Swarming in the grass, up the walls of the dorms. Billions of them. Then at the next dorm it was snakes. Snakes writhing so thick you couldn ‘t see the grass.

We wrangled some sort of get-away with a shopping trolley and this red haute couture dress I saw on an episode of Gossip Girl the other week (the one Little J stole from one of the girls’ mother’s wardrobe) which we used as both a rope and a whip to clear a path.

Someone came in with fire-sticks in true Indiana Jones style but then the spiders decided they could fly as well as jump and crawl.

Then I woke myself up.