One moment

I had one of those moments yesterday.

The one where you catch your breath and if you let yourself would result in great heaving sobs of joy blended with pride, sadness, fear, elation, bewilderment and a sense of promise.

Generally these hit during your child’s end of year concert or when they’re getting an award or some such. I suspect it is what you feel on their wedding day or when you see them becoming parents.

I have been feeling a very pity-party case of the have-nots of late. That we will never own our own home. That my ‘career’ as such is in some wasteland, half way between being a mother and a long way from being some hotshot making the big bucks and an even bigger bang. Oh I know there will always be jobs, there will always be something, but that clawing feeling I get and have felt for as long as I can remember that I never quite hit the target. Never reach the summit. Never shine the brightest.

It’s a pretty souless place the land of have-nots. You see this freeway off to your right with cars whizzing past. You see people walking by you hand-in-hand. You can hear a group of friends laughing and the chinkchinkchink of dinners being enjoyed and glasses raised in a toast. You can almost feel the land beneath you give way and you’re constantly searching for something to hold on to, something to catch you when you fall. But everything is elusive. Tenuous. Slippery.

And in one moment so nothing in its substance and catching you so off your guard it could be missed, deflected by that world rushing by that seems so intent on leaving you behind, it’s there. Oscar, Felix and Jasper were running amok in one of the more genteel shopping malls of our locale. Grover was cocooned in his new sling, warm against my body.

And that was it.
That moment of clarity that what I saw before me and could feel against my form was what mattered.
To stop being so caught up in what we don’t have and what others do.
To stop worrying about it.
That it is how it should be.
To let time run its course.

To appreciate just how magnificent it is to be the constant for these four boys.