An open letter to my body

Dear Head,
Please start working properly.

Dear sinuses,
I’d really appreciate being able to hear out my left ear. It’s been about 12 weeks. I’m on my second course of antibiotics and it’d be tops if you’d just give up and let them kick your bad arse outta town.

Dear antibiotics coursing in my veins,
Do you reckon you could just focus on the sinus trouble rather than making a whole new problem in an area I’m not really meant to be mucking around with. Being pregnant and all. Please don’t make me refer to raging thrush, I have gay friends who read this who already feel queasy knowing what us straights do, I can almost hear them gagging if I have to go into any more detail.

Dear left ear,
OK, you’re really pissing me off now. Sure, the complete deafness has abated in the last day. The numbness down the entire left side of my face, head and neck is actually almost gone. But the hearing cutting in and out? And the gross stinky yellowish goop coming out of my ear? It’s grossing me out and I’m the kinda gal who wishes for ingrown hairs and blackheads so I can pick at them.

Dear left ankle,
I’m not sure what happened to you, but you really hurt if I try to move you around at all and well, what with walking and all, that is just another pain in the arse.

Dear lower back, The sciatica, the shooting pains down my legs, the searing hot sots on my outer thighs and the general agony as my whole back seizes if I sit or stand for too long? Reeaaally boring.

Dear little toe and the one next to you on my left foot,
Are you broken? Did I hurt your feelings? What the hell is going on? I don’t remember banging you on a chair leg or corner cupboard, so why do you both pain me so?

Dear carpal tunnel,
You know, if you could just lighten up a little – so I can at least have the strength in my hands to get a lid off a jar or the top on a bottle – that’d be great. Oh, and if you can lighten up during the night so I don’t wake up with lead-weight hands packed with pins and needles, I’d be ever so grateful.

Dear cramp that decides to invade my right leg every night between 3.30 and 4am.
Enough already!

Dear baby,
It’s really been quite lovely feeling you kick and squirm around in there. I’m really sorry about how stressed I’ve been, please don’t punish me when you come out.