The Machine That Ate Summer – OR – "At least we’ll be camping in clean clothes"

Here she is, the Samsung J845, replacing my valiant old Hoover front loader, which died last week after 14 years of sterling service.

Why did this machine eat our summer? Well, regular readers may recall that I had booked a holiday house for a week on the beach this summer, girding my loins for the joy of travel and arrival with small children.

The deposit was due last week and, well, I like to think of the picture above as a modern artform titled, Essential whitegoods: masquerading as 50% of a week’s beach-house rental.

The Samsung J845 is Choice Magazine’s current ‘Best Buy’ for front loaders and features – among other things :

  • a wide opening door
  • a ‘stop and drop’ button so you can add or subtract clothes after the wash has started without needing to cut power, wait three minutes before the door will open and then use buckets to catch the waterfall out the door of the machine just so you can drag that hot orange singlet out of the load of school-shirt whites
  • a 4.5 Star Energy Efficiency rating and a AAAAA Water Saving rating
  • a cheerfully melodic and not-at-all-annoying-yet “brrrrrrrriiinggg!” noise each time you turn it on
  • a Child Lock (how did they know I’d need a child lock?)
  • a really fucking HUGE capacity, measured not so much by kilograms as by using triple the clothesline space for just one load
  • A really amazing spin cycle that means even though I’m carrying triple the washing out to the line, it weighs no more than the pathetically tiny (sorry Hoover!) load the previous machine could do. Isn’t physics wonderful?
  • Quiet. Blissful, peaceful quiet. Which – since we’re no longer running the world’s loudest washing machine at 11pm each night – gives me even more ammunition to rattle the cage of the ex-junkie heavy metal drummer who’s moved in next door.

So I miss old Hoover, who stood by me with outstandingly gentle and efficient washes when the rest of the world still believed in top loaders… who sat firm and refused to leave when evil ex-husband tried to demand custody… who washed every little baby sock and jacket with loving care… who entertained many a curious crawler with its foamy window of swirling fun, just before scaring the shit out of them by hitting the noisiest spin cycle this side of the Horsehead Nebula…

But while J Edgar may have the dirty laundry of my past, Sammy Samsung’s washing my knickers tonight.