No, really, we penguins lurve to chat

Remember how I had some time at home just recently with the vile and vicious virus?


Ring ring
Me: Hello?
Friendly Indian Call Centre Operator: Hello, may I speak to Mrs L*?
Me: That’s me.
FICCO: Hello Mrs L*, I’m calling on behalf of Pacific Telco and I would like to speak to you about –
Me: Not interested, thank you!
FICCO: – a special offer for –
Me: No, really not interested, thank you.
FICCO: – householders in your –
Me: Bye now.


Ring ring
Me: Hello?
FICCO: Hello, I’d like to speak to Mrs L* please.
Me: That’s me.
FICCO: Mrs L*, I’m calling on behalf of ComTel Coms and –
Me: No thanks.
FICCO: – if I could just –
Me: Bye.


Ring ring
Me: Hello?
FICCO: Hello, I’d like to speak to Mrs L* please.
Me: Hang on, she’s just here. handing over phone…
Evil Twin: Hellooooo?
FICCO: spiel for Telco, spiel, spiel.
ET: I jump on a trampoline.
FICCO: relentless spiel, spiel, spiel.
ET: On my birfday I have CHOColate CAKE!
FICCO: self-doubt creeping into relentless spiel, spiel, spiel.

ET: I go to school I play wiff Joss-u-ah I play wiff Cassie I throw a ball Doris reads books
ET: Here you go, Mum!
Me: Click.

Thursday (no children at home)

Ring ring
Me: Hello?
FICCO: Hello, is that Mrs L*?
Me: No, sorry, this is a penguin.
FICCO: – ah – oh – um – is this 87654321?
Me: No, sorry, you called 12345678.
FICCO: And this is not Mrs L*?
Me: No, sorry, it’s a penguin.
FICCO: Oh, I am sorry to have disturbed you – ah – er –
Me: Mrs Penguin?
FICCO: er –
Me: Bye!


Ring ring
Me: (suppressing juvenile glee) Hello?
FICCO: Hello, I’m calling on behalf of TelcomCocomCo and (lying) my name is Wayne Simpson (no it’s not, it’s probably Ranjeev, which is a perfectly good name, but our marketers are testing to see if stupid racist Australians will stop hanging up on us if we pretend to be English) is that Mrs L* please?
Me: No, it’s a penguin. (And I’m not stupid and I’m not racist I’m just sick of these fucking calls)
FICCO Wayne: – oh – ah – I’m sorry, I’m confused.
Me: Mrs L* had to go out but she left us penguins here to answer the phone.
FICCO Wayne: Oh! I see, ha ha, that’s very funny (hating stupid Australians more by the minute).
Me: Yes, we penguins lurve to chat. We can talk for hours. Shall we talk about telephones? Or fish? I can do both.
FICCO Wayne: Did I call 87654321?
Me: Yes, that’s the Penguin Line. Tell me, is this call being recorded for training purposes?
FICCO Wayne: Oh no (shocked) let me assure you we would never invade your privacy by recording you without your permission.
Me: Really? Mrs L* will be very interested to hear that since you have NEVER asked her PERMISSION before putting her on your DATABASE – now GO A-WAY!

It is almost worth another dose of the vile and vicious to see if I can get our phone number listed against the name Penguin on an Indian telemarketing database:

Some Day

Ring ring

Me: Hello?

FICCO: May I speak to Mrs Penguin please?

Me: Sorry, look, she was just here a minute ago but then I ate her. I’m a Polar Bear, can I help you?

FICCO: Click.