I can hear the soothing tones now

If your child is crying incessantly, whinging constantly or pouting profusely, press one now.
If your child is refusing to eat, refusing to sleep and refusing to get dressed, press two now.
If you are drinking a bottle of red wine alone each evening, press any button now as it won’t get any better than the floating feeling it instills in you.

(after deliberating on pressing any button and what that really means about your true dependence on alchohol, you press 1.)

Talk in a low, calm voice. Even though your child won’t hear this over their crying or whinging it will give you a sense of false empowerment which far outweighs the morose worst-parent-in-the-world mentality permeating your existence. Don’t try to reason, they don’t care. Bribe if you must. Find the bottle opener. Secure a fine Margaret River Cab Sav. Turn on The Simpsons and let it all wash over you. Feel the relaxing waves of the red water ebb at your brain. Let the droning drift into the background. Breath one, two, three…

Yes – I have set shelves in the refrigerator for types of food groups. Sure, it is quite fluid as the fridge is a pre-children, dual-income-we-eat-out-all-the-time purchase that barely fits the family size container of vegemite and peanut butter in it, let alone food stuffs to feed a family for a fortnight.

While I have a photographic memory for food inventory in our house, it is my peg prediliction that after almost 14 years still makes AB shake his head.