So tired today. Got my tax bill yesterday. $13,000. That’s right, 13 THOUSAND. We have $1 in the bank so I’m not sure how or where we’re going to pay it from, but there you go. That on top of me soon being out of this regular freelance gig I’ve had that has paid quite good money. And Christmas. Excellent.

I’m trying to be positive, really I am, its just, well, demoralising.

Food today – bowl of my home-made granola with sheeps milk yoghurt (only just discovered this and YUM – less strong in taste than goats milk variety). Cup of tea, slice of fruit toast, with butter – unintentional but was there as Felix didn’t eat it.

Lunch – left over sausage on bread roll with caremalised onions and two bits of a Baker’s Delight savory twist. Way too much carbohydrate going on today, but think it relates to brain and emotional stress re finances…

Haven’t swum since last Wednesday and am missing it, also trying to start jogging in the mornings, but have been to tired to do that too. Hmmm, not a good record hey. Let’s aim for a jog tonight after the boys are in bed.

Weekend was good – our 6 year anniversary – it was a downer as we were so tired, AB worked all day Saturday, so I made some nice pasta dishes and we sat in front of the tele with the boys!! But then Sunday redeemed it with dinner at the pub and a movie – American Splendour.

Wow- just realised I wrote all about that in an earlier post. Spin out. See, that’s where my head is at.

I really feel like chocolate.

Hmm another binge night last night. Bad. Wonder why? Not connected to hormones at the moment. That’s still two weeks away. Weird.

Met up with old workmate this morning about prospect of working together with a guy setting up a food magazine. V v exciting. If that comes off I will be one very happy camper.

Caught the jetcat to work as was in Manly for the meeting. There is something wonderous about being on the water on the way to work (that may be in poor taste considering what happening in NYC yesterday). Feeling the water under you, seeing Sydney flesh out before you, the bridge, the buildings, the opera house, it fills me with a sense of promise, of expectation that something good will happen today. Nice.

Oscar and I were mucking around this morning with his doona as he wet the bed again last night and I needed to wash the corner of it. I pulled it as he was standing on it and it fell over, hurting his foot. Poor little mite, it was still really sore when AB was taking him to kindy, so I made him take him to the GP who then made him go and have it xray-ed. Bloody hell, will our world ever be free of some drama or another? Anyway, am yet to hear of whether he’s cracked a bone in his foot or its just a tissue tear. Feely v. bad that it was my fault. poor kid.

Anyway, am leaving work early to drop AB at work and pick him up, so will see how he is fairing. Might involve an icecream stop off to ease my guilt and his pain…not for me thought, ice cream makes me puke and I don’t need any incentive in that zone at the moment.

OK, today I’m shifting this a gear. I’ve been reading some other people’s blogs and decide this one needs a purpose.

Here is the goal – to be off my happy pills, 10 kgs lighter and in some form of regular exercise regime.

Once all this is achieved, then we are going for baby #3 (and maybe even baby #4, depending on how we survive #3 – on all manner of levels).

So – this is now going to become my journal of progress (or regress) in all its gore.

So there.

Had a great weekend. It was our 6 year wedding anniversary on Saturday, and while AB had to work and we were too tired to go out/do anything that night, we had a delicious dinner with the boys and watched tele. Quite a life I know.

Yesterday made up for it – went for a bus ride with the boys down to pick up the car from Manly, visited Kill, best from from school who was in town for the weekend – and then dinner and a movie (American Splendour) – much better!!

Loved American Splendour – hilarious in its ordinariness and morbidity. Loved it. There is one scene early on when he looks at his reflection and a cartoon comes up saying something like “regularly disappointing” – hah! Welcome to my world.

Other fabulous films: (that I can think of off the top of my head)

Fargo

O brother where art thou?

Being John Malcovich

Fight Club

Adaptation

Seven

Cheesy movies that I love – and won’t hear a bad word about

Footloose

Grease

Steel Magnolias

Anything with Meg Ryan and the words ‘romantic comedy’ in the precis

Books that changed my life – or showed me it didn’t have to be how it is…

The Fountainhead – Ayn Rand

Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

Anything by Chuck Palahniuck in particular Survivor, Choke and Invisible Monsters.

Skinny Legs and All – Tom Robbins

As I lay dying – William Faulkner

Catch22

To Kill a Mockingbird – man, this was life altering.

The above listings will be discussed in greater detail over time.

What I’ve eaten today –

Two slices of toast with 400g tin of baked beans in ham sauce

One mini Violet Crumble bar

Cup of miso soup

Exercise so far – (at 2.40pm)

nil

Bye.

Friday, yey.

What happens when your dreams and plans don’t come to fruition. Is it an issue of fault or che sera sera?

sometimes letting go of the passion, letting go of the ideal is so much harder than just letting it simmer away in the recesses of your mind as reality rolls over your body day after day. Like the sensation of entering the surf and waves hitting you, pulling you down as you force your way out further and further.

Are the waves of reality there to be fought or there to surrender too? Or maybe that is the life question – and whichever you believe determines the path ahead.

All I know is that I want to be cared for, want to be loved, want to be in someone’s mind constantly. Conceited? Needy? Princess-like? Hmmm. The weird thing is, nearly all of us are cared for, loved and thought about – but we don’t see it, hear it or even want it. once again, bizarre.

Weekend time.

strange day today. don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Feel people are looking at me. Know that they’re not. Then feel bad that they’re not. One of those sorts of days.

Actually had enough sleep for a change and a decent breakfast. Just feel wrong.

Work has died a rather abrupt death – when you know its just a matter of time suddenly actually doing anything productive actually seems wasteful. weird. am scared at prospect of irregular income once more – it does my head in more than anything else. am scared at not having work over Christmas, but then am really stoked at opportunity to be home with the boys over the Christmas break.

not quite sure how to make the feeling of the land falling away under my feet go away.