As you can probably tell, my headspace is pretty cloudy at the moment and I’ve realised things that should therefore not be added to the mix:
- red wine (sorry incubus)
- caffeine (again, sorry incubus and I’m sure I’ll stop clenching my jaw and shaking any time soon now)
- raisin toast w/ butter – the heartburn, combined with the caffeine induced manic sense of apprehension is killing me!
Things I should be doing:
– drinking green tea
– listening to ClassicFM as opposed to Nova or Triple J
– eating lots of fruit and vegetables (that won’t happen until after payday on Thursday week)
– thinking calm and happy thoughts (not how draconian the Liberals or how fascist employer organisations are, or how rude and selfish Sydney has become or how my life and mental wellbeing is completely hinged on the state of our bank balance)
because it dawned on me this morning that if I stay on this road of ugly thoughts, I may, in the words of one of my favourite websites, “plunge into a dark downward spiral the likes of which will make Kate Holmes-Cruise’s recent antics look like nothing more than a gentle gust of wind on the outskirts of Crazytown.. . . .
There are days when you cry too often, or are too quick to tears. When you think ill of too many people for too slight an issue (although the pure vitriol I feel for those who do not stand for a pregnant woman, instead are content to sit and watch her – ie me – stand for over an hour on a bus commute home, is I feel, completely warranted). When you eat too much with it drawing little comfort, solace or even just satiation. When you procrastinate too long by simply staring at the computer screen, keyboard, or wall. When no matter how hard you look for, write down and remind yourself of the wonderful things in your life it all seems lost, inconsequential or incidental. When your heart seems sluggish and resentful at having to beat at all.
These are the days I feel the rollershutter of my soul jarring shut, early ‘for personal reasons. We regret the inconvenience and will open again in the near future.’
It’s Nude Tuesday at Glamorouse and while I’m not nude, the stockings cutting circulation off to my legs and probably causing the incubus’ head to malform, and the skirt that keeps.falling.down. is making me want nothing more than to strip down and nude-up.
Just a thought.
is no more evident than here. The mug or the t-shirt with the hands pressed against a window in a desperate plea for freedom are my favourites.
About the only thing better is the amazing mind behind Save Toby, which has now raised over $28,000 from the stupid masses.
There has to be a positive one. Right? So here goes…
- Oscar is talking more and more – and its divine.
- Felix and Oscar are relentless at giving me cuddles, telling me how much they love me and as Felix says, “Mummy, you’re as pretty as a swan and a princess.” And after my various meltdowns over the last week, “Mummy, you’re as pretty as a swan and a princess and a unicorn.”
- Friday and/or Saturday nights at home, with the boys, after a dinner of our favourite pasta and yummy dessert, settling in with pillows, doonas and each other for a video before bed. I love these times more than anything.
- Oscar or Felix coming into our bed anywhere between 2-4 in the morning and snuggling in to me before going back to sleep.
- Watching them grow up and their personalities shine like the brightest of beacons in the foggiest of nights.
- Feeling the incubus kick and squirm all.the.time and the growing excitement at it joining these boys on the most remarkable journey of discovery.
- Baking. Anytime, anywhere.
- and… (once more with feeling please)