Category Archives: that’ll do pig that’ll do

crumpled

Leaves were skipping all over the road, getting pinned by the gutter and then freed with a new breeze, buffeting them up the nature strip, along the footpath and up into the air to start the dance all over again. The sun was doing that thing where it streams through the trees, landing on your hands which are gripping the wheel, warming them from the previous hour and a half spent in a blindingly cold westerly wind. I love it when it does that.

The rugby match had ended in a blazing 44-0 victory and once in the car on the way home the smell of victory was palpable albeit not particularly saying love, light, rainbows and unicorns. The little boys were quiet, recovering from a particularly early start for their own brand of footy and then blustery sideline action for their big brother.

We were heading to the Mall for Mother’s Day sushi, curiously not at all what I felt like but what the youngest of the brood had demanded and which was strongly supported by his fellow kind. Something was rolling around in the back of the car, a common enough issue in the Tip on Wheels that is our vehicular mode of transport, but one I found particularly jarring on this brilliantly clear but freezing day.

That nano-second of realisation – the looking up, the realising I was veering left, the (sudden) appearance of a stationary vehicle, the immediate over-correction and that fleeting “oh crap” moment when you know collision is imminent – was brutal.

Followed by the complete silence as everyone tries to process what just happened. It is as fleeting as that moment just before impact but it’s there. And then the shaking and the tears.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I drove into the back of a parked car.

There is nothing quite like the sound of one car crushing into another. It’s a particular tone, like that of an aluminium can being crushed under foot but a lot louder, more dramatic and well, bad. I’d located the source of irritation rolling around in the back, one of the little boys’ new water bottles they’d received that morning from their footy club. Funny, I’d been deliberating on new water bottles for the boys for months but could never justify the cost of the ones they liked (around $8 or so). This “free” one has now set me back $625 in our insurance excess. Awesome work there Kim, awesome.

On finding the offender I, naturally, took my eyes off the road, reached around and grabbed it. Somewhat in the vein of the last 50,000 times I’ve reached around to grab something rolling around on the floor that’s giving me the absolute shits or when the need had arisen to throw something at one of the children.

And there you have it.

What followed was an excruciating period of time which I filled nicely with lots of spontaneous tears, comforting the boys, and offering apologies to the poor innocent owners of the car I’d hit. I marvel at how the accident takes mere seconds but the aftermath drags on like a soft sand marathon.

Chef summed it up nicely when he put his arms around me and said, ‘If you didn’t want sushi you could have just said so.’

Onward.


Happy Mother’s Day

To celebrate I crashed our car into a parked car.

 

 

Envy my life at your leisure.

 

Onward (in Chef’s 1993 Toyota Corolla)


Thin line

I dumped my brain on here the last few days. I haven’t done that in a while, I try not to. It makes people feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel weird.

I want people to understand that the little things each day shit me just like the next person but I also want none of us to forget that while we bitch about picking the slow queue again in the post office or the idiot driver who pulls left to turn right (what the FUCK is wrong with people) there are so many bigger fish to fry.

Sure, I spend a large portion of my day trying to ignore the worries and stresses I have about Oscar.

Sure I, as a mother, spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about my boys, particularly Felix as he hits high school and enters a decade of becoming a man all while negotiating puberty, school work, who he wants to be, believing in himself, becoming more responsible, comprehending consequences on a far grander scale that what happens if you flog your brother again, having fun.

I didn’t really have fun as a teenager, my life was a pretty intense one with mum working her arse off and dad being absent but expectant all at the same time. When it all went pear shaped one of my aunts told me I had to grow up now, be responsible for mum, to be sensible and to help. Having fun and being a ‘typical teenager’ doesn’t really come into action when someone says that to you when you’re 11. I was the good Christian Girl going to not one but THREE youth fellowships (really covering all bases) and while it truly did get me through a lot of my teenage rage the pay off was guilt. I look back and think much of my adolescence was spent holding my breath. For the next bad thing to happen, for not being good enough, for letting people down.

Where do these emotions come from? I think they largely come from self, I can see it in Felix, but they are then compounded by external factors.

Fast forward a few years.

Fast forward to now.

I just can’t shake this feeling that I have done it all wrong. I mean, who the hell at almost 40 lives with their mother? Who at almost 40 has to ask for a hand-out from their in-laws to pay for car repairs? Who at almost 40 reduces three of their children’s bank accounts to zero to pay for car registration?

 

I’m doing it all wrong.

 

Where did I imagine my life to be at this stage?

Well, not living rent-free with my mother for one.

Not living pay-packet to pay-packet for another.

Not having to accept charity from friends.

 

Someone said to me the other day that accepting charity from others, help from people is about being humble and that having humility is the hardest virtue to learn.

 

In the last two weeks people have:

- looked after and cared for my children unconditionally

- picked up my kids from school and pre-school and looked after them for me without question

- texted me to say they’re having my kid over for a play, no discussion entered into (so so good)

- dropped off food parcels for my family including homemade dessert

- dropped off food parcels for me, to me, in the hospital

- brought me chai lattes at the hospital and hung out to talk shit and make me laugh

- taken my kids to and from footy practice

- dropped off a toiletries and cleaning products care package – anonymously. With one of those double Cadbury Family chocolate blocks in it. That I’ve hidden. And won’t be sharing. Maybe.

- sent us a crate of Gourmet Dinner Service meals that I keep looking at and bursting into spontaneous tears over. Because re-entry into family life after 12 days at hospital is just as hard, in some respects, as 12 days in hospital.

- sent me texts and tweets and Facebook shout-outs telling me you’re thinking of us, willing us a swift trip home

 

I have been humbled by all of it. Blown Away. Driven to tears at people’s love for us, for me. Bolstered by people’s generosity of heart and spirit.

I know we are blessed, that I am blessed to have a world so full of love and friendship. Plenty have pointed out to me they wish they had family and friends to help them out in times of need (subtext I am so lucky) and they need not fear me not realising, appreciating and being infinitely grateful to have so many holding on tight to the safety net under me, ready to catch me as I fall.

I know everyone has wanted to do this because I know when I see a friend struggling I want to do something, anything to ease their burden just a little.  Sometimes it’s words, sometimes something I’ve made, sometimes my hilarious company. (Remember when I was funny?)

 

So why is it sitting so uncomfortably with me?

Somehow all this makes me feel like I’ve failed.

Having to accept help is about having failed, of not being able to manage, of not coping.

I feel I’ve let everyone down.

That I have done it all wrong.

There are so SO many should haves swirling around in my head.

 

We have some family friends who are the most beautiful people in the world, but bad things happen to them all the time – a child off the rails, poor health, financial stress. There is always a feeling of unfairness when they are talked about, that they don’t deserve all this, why does it happen to them?

I do NOT want to be that family people talk about.

And yet I totally know we are.

I DO NOT want to be the sympathy card. The “Poor Kim”.

SO I just want you all to know I won’t let you down.

I will try harder.

You will not have to keep picking me up  or carrying me.

I will not let you down.

I will not fail.

 

Onward.

 

 


Day 10


Yesterday was bone and CT scans and a drug reaction.

Today was a new cannula.

Getting a cannula – hereto known as a cuntula – into a kid with bad veins trumps pretty much everything.

Sure letting a kid die from an infection is negligent but getting a cuntula in is cruel.

 

I do the tough love thing for about 80 per cent of it because Oscar’s protests are loud and – at 68kg – now quite physical. The kid can make quite the attempt to flee.

The other 20 per cent I tell him what a champion he is and that yes it hurts but it will soon be over and how brave he is. All done with the internal monologue of DON’TCRY DON’TCRY DON’TCRY.

I don’t know, maybe it was because it was Day 10, maybe it was because it took a couple of goes and eventually had to go somewhere there hadn’t been any numbing gel or maybe just because it sucks but I came a bit undone after this round.

When you do this often enough you do go onto auto-pilot. A friend was here the other day when there was a very poor attempt at taking bloods. Her reaction made me realise, remember, that this is a big deal, that it is traumatic, that it really is shitty.

 

Mum arrived just after it was done giving me time to flee for just an hour.

I got in the car, rolled a cheeseburger and chicken and cheese because if there was ever a time for comfort eating this was it.

The eyes were damp and my heart was still racing.

I could feel the shell cracking. Fast.

I got home, discovered we’d run out of toilet paper and washing powder, that a friend from Grover’s pre-school had not only made the boys a curry last night but also apple crumble. She made my boys apple crumble.

Generosity of heart is all around me.

 

We missed an appointment on Monday at Sydney Children’s so I had to email and fix that. I asked them about seeing the orthopaedic surgeon who did Oscar’s legs in 2010 at outpatients because we can’t afford to see him privately. (The reason I hadn’t made that follow-up appointment with him after the first incident and which if I had may well have seen us not end up back here.)

I also expressed my concern about Oscar’s left foot and that it is starting to return to the position it was before surgery and that I think he may need an AFO (splint) for that leg at least – and that we need to do that through the hospital too as there’s no way we could afford to do it privately.

We’re now four months behind in our private health insurance payments.

I’m getting really adept at this hand-out, “please sir can I have some more” routine.

Our awesome contact at Children’s got back to me, as did the person he’s referred me to re appointments with the ortho and re splints.

That’s when I just threw my phone down and just gave in to the big heaving sobs of sadness and rage.

We can see him that way but only on this day, there’s a wait-list for AFOs at the hospital so maybe approach our contact at the Cerebral Palsy alliance and then they can put us in touch with a funding body to access to then get an AFO through them but we could do it through the hospital but but but…

E-FUCKING-NOUGH.

I still have to get a new referral for Oscar to see a paediatric endocrinologist as the one we were referred to is no longer there.

I still need to reconnect with The Cerebral Palsy Alliance to get a speech therapist back on board so we can be eligible for a grant to trial a speech device even though we’re already talking to the technology team at CPA.

You want to know what it’s like to have a child with special needs?

Relentless.
Constant worry.
NOTHING being easy – be that accessing services, finding schools, ignoring the idiots

Having a disabled child means that unless one of you is earning squillions, you are pushed further and further to the periphery of society so you have no choice but to beg and appeal for charity, thereby feeling beholden and worthless.

I’m so sick of feeling so fucking downtrodden, of falling down and rising up. I just want to lie down and go – TIME OUT. DO OVER. MAN DOWN. CODE RED.



Eating the elephant, bite by bite.

I think this post might need a public health warning – that here be deep thoughts and reflections. It is not meant to be depressing but just to say there is so much to be done. That indeed, every small thing each of us does matters. That one sponsoring of a child or volunteering with Youth off the Streets or baking a cake for a friend who’s feeling down – it all matters.

But I also think we need to be demanding more from our leaders – thumping our fists until we get brave, visionary leaders willing to make the hard hard decisions and manufacture real change from the top down. A fish rots from the head – great leadership equals a great nation, likewise lacklustre, short-sighted and self-serving bureaucrats gives us greyness.

I’m kinda sick of the greyness.

||

I haven’t been that nice to my kids these last few days. With the good of reduced meds – no side-effects, improved libido, a return of my creativity, ENERGY – comes the bad – quick to anger, emotions ON THE LOOSE.
I have joked that I now realise why I was medicated – to be able to cope with our living arrangement and Oscar. But I’m not really joking.
I have been apologising to the boys for me being angry so easily. So often. For the poison that can just roll off my tongue before I even realise it.
I have been really struggling to be patient with Oscar.
Today he totally wigged out. A complete and utter screaming, crying, wailing, fighting mess of a meltdown. He didn’t know why and does not have the capacity to reign it in. It went on all day, from around 8am this morning until the last teary wake-up he had at around 11pm.
By that time I was just crying big lumbering tears with him, incapable of understanding what the fuck was going on, feeling so so guilty for just how short I’ve been with him this last week, my heart aching for him and his own confusion as to why he was behaving like this.
Someone had posted a picture to Facebook yesterday with the tagline, ‘my child is not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time’ and HOLY CRAP PEOPLE why not administer some physical blunt force trauma to me as well because the emotional stuff is well and truly covered.

::

This last week had my friend Eden in Africa with World Vision.
Just like that.
She was in Niger to see – and thereby raise awareness – the famine that is gripping the country and the plight of its people.
Many people commented and rallied around Eden, pledging support and sponsoring children.
Doing something.
She does not profess to have the answers or the solutions. The problem is bigger than huge.
I don’t understand how this has been allowed to happen, over and over again.
Famine, war, death, more famine, more trauma and on it goes.
Oscar has a friend who comes from Africa, his birth nation I am not sure but he and his brothers and sisters were brought to Australia to be by their mother’s side, who herself had been brought here for medical treatment by a Catholic missionary service.
I see them here, their mother now dead, being raised by people with so much love in their heart, so much generosity of spirit they are raising four children, three of which have additional needs when they were at a stage of their life their own children were just flying the coop.
These children, full of laughter and life. Who would they be, what would have become of them had these remarkable people not come into their lives.

Can you imagine being a mother watching her children die in front of her from a lack of food or water? or from a completely treatable, nay PREVENTABLE, disease?

At the blogging conference last week I was reduced to weeping tears from one mother standing in front of us sharing her story of her son Avery, who died inside her.
One mother.
One tragedy.

Multiply it by HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS.

I haven’t sponsored a child, I haven’t donated money. I’m really conflicted over this. Yes, each of us doing something small adds up to something big. But. In my brain there is a but. What are the governments doing in these countries? What is happening at an international political level?

I think each of us doing whatever we can is critically important. It keeps us engaged with the world on a much deeper and beneficial level. But if it’s just us with pick-axes while the powers that be sit by in their idling front-loaders, we’re not going to get very far. The bandaid on a cankerous sore.

So much at stake by shaking up the status quo.

A few weeks back Four Corners ran a program about the brutal austerity measures being metted out in Ireland. About deals struck which somehow see the people who can least afford it now being the ones made to ‘tighten the belt’ to make up for the gross excesses and greed AND MISTAKES MADE at the top of the pile.

Isn’t that like punishing your kid because you’re tired?

The pressure, the expectation for us as individuals to be doing something is not misguided, I believe it ties firmly to my own political belief that no one gets left behind, but that it stands on the battlefield for humanity without the back-up of the senior forces that are world leaders and nations of power just seems unfair and downright unacceptable.

Every day everyday people stand up and make a difference. I’m just so sick of people in positions of political power and clout not doing the same thing.

::

Today we drove down to my Dad’s and Chef made me listen to a podcast called Two Chefs – or some such – out of the States.
Did you know, that of ALL the pork and chicken produce sold in the USA, only ONE PER CENT of it has been produced in natural surrounds – ie, outdoors, SUNLIGHT, room to move.
ONE FUCKING PER CENT.
In Australia it’s still ONLY THREE.
ONLY three per cent of the chicken or pork products sold in our country have been raised in a NATURAL environment, with SUNLIGHT.
In the US, the Defence Forces have reported that recruits are not reaching the fitness standards within the timeframe that they should be because they are NOT GETTING ENOUGH NUTRIENTS in their diet.
In the US there was an eColi outbreak in an organic spinach crop. How could an effluent born disease be transmitted by plant matter? Because an intensive feedlot nearby had contaminated the water table. That’s how.
In the third world they’re malnourished because of famine. In the developed world they’re fat but malnourished because of corporate greed.

++

A few weeks back I went to an event in Sydney’s gorgeous Centennial Parklands to learn about the Vicks Breathe for Life is supporting Save The Children in Bangladesh by training local women to become nurses and providing immunisations and antibiotics to bring down the dramatic child mortality rate in that country.

//

I watched Samson and Delilah for the first time last night. I spent most of the movie feeling nauseous – for the petrol sniffing, for the brutal reality it portrayed.

::

There is so much that needs to be done, so much.
Violence.
Greed.
Abuse.
Poverty.
Hunger.

Irrespective of where you live.

//

In 2009-2010 there were MORE THAN 286,000 reported cases of suspected child abuse in Australia. There are different reporting thresholds for “risk of harm” and “risk of significant harm” – wouldn’t it be a relief to just fall into the former rather than the latter.
Surreal.
From that 286,000, just over 131,000 cases were finalised, there were 46,187 substantiated cases of child abuse and just under 36,000 kids were in out-of-home care.
46,187 substantiated cases of child abuse.
Emotional abuse
Neglect
Sexual abuse
Physical abuse.
I’m trying to imagine how you can visualise that number. I guess imagine a Swans game in Sydney at the SCG versus a Top 8 team. That many.

Here we are trying to keep kids alive in third world countries from hunger and disease while the flip side sees a developed rich country such as our own we actually abusing their children ourselves?

I just don’t get it.

So I’m not going to sponsor a child in Africa, not because I don’t think it would make a difference but because for me, there are children here than need my help, whatever that may be and in whatever form it may take. That’s how I want to help.

::

There’s just so much to do.

No one gets left behind.

Onward.

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