I’ve been so neglectful over here
Sucked into the vortex of sleeplessness
A child who is choosing to cry. SCREAM. For hours. All night.
He cries and I leave him
He will go back to sleep
He never EVER does
Just getting louder or more mournful
So that when I go in
OH THE RAGE he bestows upon me
The ‘just WHERE THE HELL have you been’ screams of indignation
He won’t let me pick him up
Choosing to thrash around in his anger
Soak in his vitriol for just a few more minutes
And then I am allowed to scoop him up
To be slapped and clawed at
Screamed at in my ear
Ah, the choir of angels I say to myself
Just like Felix was
Exactly the same
This has been going on for the last two or so weeks but it might well have been years
It sucks the very life out of you
Making days pass in a hazy shade of grey
With occasional swoons of exhaustion where you think you might just fall down dead
But you don’t
Buoyed by reality
Head above water
Knowing it will pass in due course
And that the games and giggles and kisses and mimicking and general edibleness are oxygen enough
to keep going.

Dum dee dum dee dum

Been awake since 3 with a massive cramp in my left leg. Which lends me to think that my previous post was incorrect in I said right leg. It also – I think – explains the sore left ankle, because my GOODNESS, the stiffness and pain through that joint as my whole foot is wrenched upwards be stiff muscles.

SF – yes to the cracked heels as well, although I hadn’t been attributing that to my whale-like size.

Can’t sleep due to thinking about Oscar’s support service – or lack thereof as we have left the service I have talked about here due to a complete lack of confidence in senior management and the board. A very long story I keep meaning to explain but it’s just left me pretty exhausted and bereft and sometimes that needs to wash away a little before fingers hit keypads.

Work senario also interesting, as yesterday I actually said, no holes barred. what I wanted to say – and without getting angry or crying. What a breakthrough. So this morning, instead of lying in the dark worrying about work, I’m worrying about how to build a support service for kids with special needs. Far out.