Craft camp

so this weekend just passed saw me leaving on a jet plane to Melbourne. No thanks to a multi-national sending me somewhere lush for free but to my annual sojourn to sewjourn where I get in touch with my uselessness on a sewing machine and general absence of creative process while surrounded by outrageously crafty and creative ladies. Luckily I can pretty much eat and drink them all under the table so there is that to stop me feeling like a complete incompetent.

It was a smaller tribe this year than last and I must say, a quieter more industrious crew.

I got completely side-swiped by the red ninja which was a bit of a downer to say the least. I mean, WHAT.THE.FUCK. ovaries, I was totally prepared for your monthly tantrum this week not Saturday morning. BITCH.

Fortuitously I had resumed my homicide-reduction pill taking therefore didn’t stab anyone but it did explain the fillet-of-fish binge eating I embarked on last week.

You’d think after having my period for TWENTY SEVEN YEARS I’d be a bit more clued in to what the hell was going on but barely a month goes by where its arrival doesn’t cause me to go ‘what? ALREADY?’

So there as that.

I have basically been having a pity party to end all pity parties these last two days. I have one parent miffed at me for forgetting their birthday and the other one clearly unhappy with me for what I suspect is me not paying them enough attention.

Then there is my monthly slide into morbid self-doubt, depreciation and general feeling of imminent doom. Cheery!

But fear not, I am on the improve. Some baking has been had, friends are coming over tomorrow and the world still turns. I dramatically edited my twitter feed, and have gone through all the photos on my iPhone. Granted that time would have been better spent cleaning up the cesspit that is our home but at least cleaning up these two things means they will stay clean. For a while at least.



Pictures are of progress I made on making a quilt for Oscar.



A return to normal programming – hernia or cranky ovaries?

So that weird pain I’ve had in the lower right side of my body could actually be something as opposed to my chronic headache relocating due to boredom and/or exploring a possible sea-change type move.

I mentioned the constant hot burning pain to my brother in passing on Sunday, mainly because I was exhausted after another night of Grover deciding I MUST sleep with him in his single bed on his crappy mattress as opposed to my king size bed albeit with a crappy mattress and I therefore needed to whinge ad infinitum.

Now granted my brother took almost a decade to complete his three-year science degree but all those extra years meant all those medical science subjects had a chance to really sink in. ‘That sounds like a hernia. You should get that checked out. You know, if you leave it too long your insides will start to rot’.

Awesome. Cue another night of such peaceful sleep.


So yesterday I broke the family seal of managing to not have seen our GP for all of, wow, I don’t know, six, maybe even n.i.n.e. weeks?

Our GP is a legend and as I’m telling him about this pain and how I’d been discrediting it due to presumptions of it being transferred pain from my dodgy lower back or ovulation or just basically all being in my head he was all, ‘that sounds like a hernia, or an ovarian cyst, or it could be ovarian cancer but that’s highly unlikely but I’d still want to count it out’.

See, it’s statements like that which is why men just don’t bother with doctors. Ever.

So he’s asking me if I can feel any lumps and I’m all, ‘dude, look at me, look at the rolls and folds I’d have to dig through to find a  lump’. But as he’s making me cough and doing his own digging he finds a  lump. Awesome.

So now I have to have a CAT scan because he wants to see the state of the discs in my lower back due to the ongoing nature of my dodgy lower back and to rule it out as the cause. Seeing as Miami Vice wanted the same thing done I figure it now has to happen.

I also have to have an ultrasound on my right ovary and general lower abdomen area. Apparently this is best done during days 7-10 of your cycle because that’s when the uterine wall is at it’s thinest and they get much better images. Do you think I can remember what Day I’m on. I don’t know, maybe 15? 18? Who the fuck knows (probably Chef who has my menstrual calendar on his iPhone so desperate is he to pinpoint windows of opportunity for Special Time) so I’m now waiting until my next period to then work it out and book an appointment.

Hopefully my guts won’t start rotting before then. Although, that sounds like an awesome opportunity for weight loss don’t you think?