The world according to a 3.5 year old

Dinner time:

After expressing disappointment that dinner is not plain noonoos or rice through vomiting sounds and a brief collapse on the floor.

Notice that two bigger brothers, mother, father and grandmother all have proper knives – proper steak knives with black handles and sharp blades.
Very sharp blades.
Demand similar knife.
Have meltdown when not allowed said cutting implement due to how sharp they are.
Negotiation.
Gets knife.
(Ed: shut up, there was negotiation. I’m desperate to get this kid to eat OK.)
Puts knife in mouth.
Gives three adults at table simultaneous heart attacks.
Have meltdown due to surprise from three adults sucking all oxygen from the room and sort-of-yelling at me.
Give appearance of listening dutifully to mother as she explains all calm-like about how those little grooves are very sharp and would cut me very easily and that being cut with a knife is very owie.
Hear something about mother not wanting to spend another night at hospital with an injured child.
Also something about how me getting hurt would make parents very sad.
Eat some more air and leave table.
The following afternoon:
Notice that mother is busy preparing dinner.
See one of those knives from dinner last night on the kitchen bench.
Procur knife in stealth like motion that successfully avoids detection by mother.
Jam knife into apple I’ve been pretending to eat (because Grover had it and therefore I had to have it, even though I don’t want it/like it) and see raft of potential uses for this device.
Try cutting apple into pieces while standing up and holding it in one hand and the knife in another.
WELL BUST MY BOILERS THAT HURTS
WAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The world according to a 3.5 year old

Sometimes what you mean and what you say are not the same thing. But that could be because your parents have dirty minds and still laugh at the number 69.
Example:
Mum, come over here and hot me up. You have to stay here for two more minutes to make me hot.
Um, that would be warm you up son.
Example:
Jasper: Mummy, why don’t you wear your jarmies to bed and be in the nude when you go to sleep?
Mummy: I don’t know, it’s just a grown up thing
Daddy: Because last night Mummy and Dad…
Mummy: MOVING ON
Jasper: Tonight when I go to bed I’m going to go up to your woom, clean my giggies (teeth – long story, it was what Grover started calling them a few months back and now we all do), do a wee and then take off my pants and GO TO BED IN THE NUDE just like you. Mwhahahahahahaha
Mummy: OK. But won’t you get cold?
Jasper: No, becawse I’ll have you to warm me up.
(Mother takes quick moment to appreciate correct temperature related word in this situation)
Daddy: But only grow-ups sleep in the nude, you’ve got to sleep in your jammies to keep you warm!
Jasper: When I’m a grown up I’m going to sleep in the nude with mummy.
(OH MY)
Daddy: When you’re a grown up you’ll be sleeping in your own bed in your own house with your own wife or husband.
(OHHH MY)
Jasper: NOOOO, I’ll be living with u two and sleeping in ooorrr bed.
*****
I love rice* and noo noos** (pasta) and toast*** and pizza****. They are my favorwits.
*****
Maybe I’d like to go to the park today.
*****
The best part of the day is going for a walk in the mornings with Grandmama. “I love dat.”
*****
Discovering lego is both wondrous and infinitely frustrating.
*****
Maybe I’d like … is the phrase of the moment.
* with nothing on it
** with nothing on it – although on occasion he will eat it with a basic tomato sauce on it or with oil and garlic, but even that can sometimes cause meltdowns of catastrophic proportions
*** with butter and vegemite
**** with tomato sauce and cheese. Don’t try to slip some ham on there, he will see it and refuse to eat one more mouthful.

The world according to a 3.5 year old


Wake up

Tell older brother to MOVE from where you want to sit on lounge. Even though there is another entire lounge and indeed other end of said lounge to sit on.
Demand bottle
Announce desire for bweakfast. Ceweal pwease. NO I want toast. With vegemite. And butter. NOT CUT. On a pink plate.
Pwease
Take toy, regardless of what it is, off little brother.
Hit little brother when little brother screams in protest at having his toy taken from him.
Claim toy as your own as defence for unprovoked attack on brother.
Have complete meltdown when little brother’s toy is returned to little brother.
Stalk little brother.
Scream some more.
Really scream in that dual pitch scream which makes your mother either cry or pitch a complete fit of her own.
Be sent to room.
Demand Poppity.
Break lego ships of older brother while in bedroom for taking toy off little brother and hitting him when he protested.
Draw on pillow in permanent marker.
Stick stickers on wall.
Draw on wall.
Sneak out of bedroom, out front door and come into house through back door.
Grunt at mother when she comments on your return.
Refuse to wear underpants
Refuse to wear pants mother has chosen for you
Refuse to go and choose pair
Play with penis
Tell everyone to ‘look at my penis’
Over and over
Do a huge fart
Laugh
Tell everyone you did a fart in your bottom
In case they’d missed it

Like idea of going for a walk with Grandmama so get dressed
Refuse to put on socks
Or shoes
Scream about that for a while
Accept gumboots as solution
Happily put on jacket and beanie
Come back from walk
Take toy of little brother claiming it is your favourwit
Rinse and repeat for the following 12 hours or so