Hah – so much for the jog. Fell asleep putting boys to bed instead. Woke up at 11.30pm (as did Felix, who’s bed I was in) so we migrated to my bed, which of course meant minimal sleep for me.

Ate rest of savory twist loaf in car on way home yesterday, then stuffed in dinner that Mum had made (she lives upstairs and helps out on Wed and Fri nights with boys – as well as all the other times) – then purged it all. Great. Why do I feel way less guilt and issue with vomitting than I do with bingeing in the first place.

Went swimming this morning – 24 laps of 50mtr pool.

Still, feel flat and demoralised.

Sigh.

So tired today. Got my tax bill yesterday. $13,000. That’s right, 13 THOUSAND. We have $1 in the bank so I’m not sure how or where we’re going to pay it from, but there you go. That on top of me soon being out of this regular freelance gig I’ve had that has paid quite good money. And Christmas. Excellent.

I’m trying to be positive, really I am, its just, well, demoralising.

Food today – bowl of my home-made granola with sheeps milk yoghurt (only just discovered this and YUM – less strong in taste than goats milk variety). Cup of tea, slice of fruit toast, with butter – unintentional but was there as Felix didn’t eat it.

Lunch – left over sausage on bread roll with caremalised onions and two bits of a Baker’s Delight savory twist. Way too much carbohydrate going on today, but think it relates to brain and emotional stress re finances…

Haven’t swum since last Wednesday and am missing it, also trying to start jogging in the mornings, but have been to tired to do that too. Hmmm, not a good record hey. Let’s aim for a jog tonight after the boys are in bed.

Weekend was good – our 6 year anniversary – it was a downer as we were so tired, AB worked all day Saturday, so I made some nice pasta dishes and we sat in front of the tele with the boys!! But then Sunday redeemed it with dinner at the pub and a movie – American Splendour.

Wow- just realised I wrote all about that in an earlier post. Spin out. See, that’s where my head is at.

I really feel like chocolate.

Hmm another binge night last night. Bad. Wonder why? Not connected to hormones at the moment. That’s still two weeks away. Weird.

Met up with old workmate this morning about prospect of working together with a guy setting up a food magazine. V v exciting. If that comes off I will be one very happy camper.

Caught the jetcat to work as was in Manly for the meeting. There is something wonderous about being on the water on the way to work (that may be in poor taste considering what happening in NYC yesterday). Feeling the water under you, seeing Sydney flesh out before you, the bridge, the buildings, the opera house, it fills me with a sense of promise, of expectation that something good will happen today. Nice.

Oscar and I were mucking around this morning with his doona as he wet the bed again last night and I needed to wash the corner of it. I pulled it as he was standing on it and it fell over, hurting his foot. Poor little mite, it was still really sore when AB was taking him to kindy, so I made him take him to the GP who then made him go and have it xray-ed. Bloody hell, will our world ever be free of some drama or another? Anyway, am yet to hear of whether he’s cracked a bone in his foot or its just a tissue tear. Feely v. bad that it was my fault. poor kid.

Anyway, am leaving work early to drop AB at work and pick him up, so will see how he is fairing. Might involve an icecream stop off to ease my guilt and his pain…not for me thought, ice cream makes me puke and I don’t need any incentive in that zone at the moment.

Friday, yey.

What happens when your dreams and plans don’t come to fruition. Is it an issue of fault or che sera sera?

sometimes letting go of the passion, letting go of the ideal is so much harder than just letting it simmer away in the recesses of your mind as reality rolls over your body day after day. Like the sensation of entering the surf and waves hitting you, pulling you down as you force your way out further and further.

Are the waves of reality there to be fought or there to surrender too? Or maybe that is the life question – and whichever you believe determines the path ahead.

All I know is that I want to be cared for, want to be loved, want to be in someone’s mind constantly. Conceited? Needy? Princess-like? Hmmm. The weird thing is, nearly all of us are cared for, loved and thought about – but we don’t see it, hear it or even want it. once again, bizarre.

Weekend time.

strange day today. don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Feel people are looking at me. Know that they’re not. Then feel bad that they’re not. One of those sorts of days.

Actually had enough sleep for a change and a decent breakfast. Just feel wrong.

Work has died a rather abrupt death – when you know its just a matter of time suddenly actually doing anything productive actually seems wasteful. weird. am scared at prospect of irregular income once more – it does my head in more than anything else. am scared at not having work over Christmas, but then am really stoked at opportunity to be home with the boys over the Christmas break.

not quite sure how to make the feeling of the land falling away under my feet go away.