I am so stuck. I teach a course about blogging for God’s sake, I’ve been blogging for 11 years or some such nonsense but here I sit.
My brain is not playing fair at the moment. To be fair to it I haven’t been taking one of my meds for about a week because of a lack of funds to get meds and time to go and get them. But I’m really feeling it, the manic busyness of my brain all within a tightening vice and spiralling bad thoughts. Just 5mg of one little drug between me and sheer insanity.
The weekend brought the most beautiful surprises with my most beautiful and oldest friend K coming to stay with her husband and their son who’s just started at boarding school. Dinner was lasagne and caesar salad with pavlova for dessert, breakfast bacon and eggs. In between long conversations to catch up on everyone’s news. So the blackness has not consumed all. The weekend shone bright for a moment there and I sucked it into my lungs, buoying my soul.
Onward.
Every day I wake up with a feeling so oppressive I can hardly breathe. A feeling of not being able to go another day. Just get up I tell myself. You’ll feel better once you’re doing something I tell myself. Every day is just about surviving then every night I exhale in relief that I lasted another day. Before the dread sets in I’m going to have to do it all over again tomorrow.