Boombalardy

I am back at my heaviest. Things that fit are those outfits that scream “nothing else in my wardrobe fits”. My jeans taunt me. One pair I can still do up, just. The other I can do up but they keep falling down because my gut keeps pushing them southward. I can feel my gunt sitting on the top of my thighs. It’s repulsive.

There is a mixed cause of this. For started my exercise – from incredible in the last six months of last year all while my back was crushing itself – is now non-existent. I was walking three mornings a week until about a month ago when my mental health went southwards and I am back on meds that make me sleep like I am in coma. Getting up to go walking is just not going to happen. It’s not even that I turn the alarm off, I don’t even hear it – when it’s on full volume AND on the bed beside my pillow.

That medication is also the cause of shooting my metabolism into oblivion. My shrink knows this, we tried to get me off it and we tried another drug which does the same thing without the metabolic side-effects. Off it my anxiety was crippling. On the alternative I was deeply despairing and suicidal. So back on it I am. The price of sanity.

We do have a goal that it will *just* be a three month strategy because it’s not an ideal long term solution for someone who is unipolar. But every time I’ve been off it in the last 12 months the anxiety has been terrifying. I’m not going to get ahead of myself, we’ll see how I’m travelling at the beginning of November.

Then there’s my thyroid. My lazy-arsed good-for-nothing thyroid. Three times bigger than it’s meant to be – although I’ve been on thyroxine for 18 months so I’m hoping it’s shrunk a bit at least. My neck is still fat so who knows. The Hashimoto’s disease means I’m prone to weight-gain and will struggle to lose weight.

Oh good.

But then there is the cherry on top. I take all these factors into account and then think “fuck it” and eat a block of chocolate or a large packet of chips or have that second – and even third – helping at dinner.

So yesterday I drew a line in the sand. At least, I think I did. I couldn’t see over my belly to really see if it was a line. It could have been more of an arc, we’ll never know. Today was Day 2 and it wasn’t too bad. Back to thinking about what I was going to eat rather than shovelling in anything that stood still long enough. And no more crap.

ONWARD.

 

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  • Annie Reuss

    Hey I hear you. It’s a never ending battle. Stupid lazy thyroids definitely don’t help. Neither does anxiety meds nor the love of chocolate. My line has an arc too … sigh xxxx

  • JoeGarcia

    Don’t ever, ever, ever, EVER give up.

    • http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

      Indeed.

  • Frogdancer

    That arc line made me laugh.
    (Just wanted to tell you! You still got it, girl!)
    Frogdancer

    • http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

      Thanks love. Sometimes a tear opens up into a parallel uniform and I shine forth.

  • http://www.singularinsanity.com/ Dorothy

    How crappy that all these things are ganging up on you. I can imagine how frustrating that must feel. I’m unable to lose any weight, mostly due to the meds I’m on and that damn lethargy that stops me from walking. I hear you on the sleep thing, too. I could sleep for days, given half a chance. Take care…

    • http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

      I fear we move in the same circle of “why is everything so damn hard?”

  • http://www.edenriley.com/ edenland

    I love you. I hear you.

    Lucky my children run fast or I would eat those fuckers too.

    xxxxx

    • http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

      mmmm, children. With sweet chilli sauce. In a wrap.

  • Reemski

    Oh Kim. I can relate to the weight battle. and the Thyroid battle. Keep going. x

  • supersarahwhite

    Its the week for it I guess. I had to buy a new pair of jeans yesterday because I BURST THE ZIP ON MY OTHER BLACK JEANS ON SATURDAY NIGHT. Sorry for shouting. So yesterday, day 1. No sugar in my coffee, low fat milk, no butter. Try to cut out the bread. Soup for lunch. No shovelling cake in my pie hole at playgroup morning tea. When I am hungry, drink water instead. So far. Hmmm. I just ate a blueberry muffin with my large skim flat white. Small steps. As a good friend said, “You can’t eat an elephant in one sitting, a bite at a time, a bite at a time. ” Mmmmm, elephant, with roast potatoes and gravy. Mmmmm.

  • Amelia

    oh love. And it’s been cold which doesn’t help either. Mental health first, weight management second. Take care of yourself. xx

  • Paola

    Kim, you are not alone. Never forget there are million of women in your same shoes. Your step ahead is that you always put it out there and in a funny way too boot. You are amazing. HUGS and LOVE.