Broken

I know the story of how I got to here is all over the shop, back to front, upside down and inside out but sometimes the best way to write it is how it falls and at the moment I feel broken. And scared.

This morning started with the grossest of panic attacks. I woke in a sweat, feeling swallowed by the bed, my wound site feels like a mountain, a pit in my stomach and wave after wave of feeling hopeless and worthless and a fraud and broken. With the occasional dumper of an impenetrable sense of something bad about to happen.  I was brittle and weak, hopeless and scared. Not again, not now, not again, not now. I shake my hands constantly when I’m like this, like the emotion has to come out somewhere.

I fly off a FB message to my Personal Physician Steve who I’m sure LOVED waking up on a Saturday morning to his cousin’s wife freaking out on his FB.

I woke up Chef. Dear GOD that man must be developing a phobia about being woken up by me. I had a shower, went for a walk. The whole way around the block! 500 metres! Goddammit if this is going to beat me.

My left leg feels three times the size of my right and I don’t really have a sense of where it ends. I almost tripped twice and stubbed my big toe once. Apparently this is called peripheral neuropathy. I love how the medical term makes something that’s really fucked sound cool.

Personal Physician Steve and I worked out a plan of action to get me through until my GP visit on Tuesday (we think it’s a drug they introduced for the nerve pain that is interacting with my other head meds and basically hit ground zero this morning). I cried on Chef that I’m broken and scared and this wasn’t how the year was meant to start and we had been travelling so well and I’m so so sorry. He of course, held me close, told me we would so get back to great. That I would not be broken forever and look how much better I am than three weeks ago and that he loved me and that it would all be OK. How did I ever score such a beautiful man?

I checked in to FB hoping some of you beautiful people had posted some witty, silly things to make me laugh through tears, the best of emotions. Jane had posted this. Just this. It’s Australia Day here, a day growing increasingly uncomfortable in our skin – someone wrote an article somewhere saying most countries celebrate the day they were freed of colonial rule and yet we celebrate the day it started. Growing up is hard.

So valium (when my back went from debilitating and excruciatingly painful to holy crap Personal Physician Steve sent me a text saying “No reiki guru shakra chiro iridologist would be able to do anything for you … when it comes to the serious shit western medicine is the way to go”. He’s right), knowing I’m loved and knowing such big battles have been fought makes me know its worth it to keep fighting the demons, no matter their size.

 

Onward folks, onward.

 

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  • http://saltycrunchybitterfresh.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    OH DUDE. I wish there was ANYTHING I could do to help. I just know it will get better. I don’t hope, I KNOW. It WILL get better. I am speaking as your psychic friend, here. Don’t make me bust out the crystal ball and bejeweled turban.

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      You know, every time the darkness falls and I think there’s no way forward, you, from across the seas, tell me it will get better and not only better, it will be awesome. And every time you have been right.

      I know, I KNOW, it will get better.

  • http://thescentofwater.typepad.com/ Megan

    I once read something, I forget who wrote it, that hope was a hand being held out in the dark. I do believe that all these friends of yours, and all their love, are that hand being held out for you on these days when everything is black. You don’t always have to believe in the light yourself if you can believe in the people who tell you it’s still there.

    Or as the eminent philosopher Samwise Gamgee once said: there’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

  • Megan

    You are so loving and so loved. Tie yourself to the mast in the storm, let the foul weather do it’s thing and be ready for calmer seas when they arrive, for they will. They always come.

    And may I add, your good humour, funny tweets and huge, huge heart have been a wonder to behold through this MASSIVE thing you have just been and are still going though. Your words are powerful.

    Sending you lots of love.

  • http://www.edenriley.com edenland

    You had spinal surgery.

    You are one of my favourite people, on and off line. Thank you for allowing yourself to be you. Your honesty helps me a lot and you don’t even know it.

    Strength and love from me to you straight off this mountain right now POW did you feel it?

    XXXXXX

    PS You had motherfucking SPINAL SURGERY. That’s pretty big, and it was done in a rush so I daresay your head is playing catch-up. Let the thoughts fall where they may. I say, eat some cake XX

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      you know, when I woke up in recovery, I looked at the theatre nurse working over me and said, “I just had spinal surgery” and with this huge leary grin (it could have been the drugs) she nodded and said, “you sure have!”. Of course now I’m wishing I’d said, “where’s my baby?” just to fuck with them.

  • Pia

    Ah Kim, sorry to hear of your setback with your spin, how horrid and that word seems an understatment! Hang in there girl, you have a family of Men around you who love you to death and amazing friends and followers – Breath, slow depe breaths in and out, hang in tight and know this is a just a storm and it will pass, the grey clouds will make way fro the bright sunny sky xx

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      thanks lovely lady. And indeed what you say is true.

  • http://www.kurrabikid.blogspot.com Sarah

    Hi Kim, emergency surgery – whoa. Take it easy, and give yourself time to get better slowly and properly. Hope your work has been supportive on that front.
    x

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Hey Sarah, yes, work has been so far – I mean, as far as work can when you email one day saying I’ve really hurt my back and have just had an MRI to the next saying, I’ve had emergency surgery and all bets are off for a bit.

  • paola

    I’ve learned the heard way that at a certain stage, only REAL medication (and a strong once at that) will help us. Take whatever you need and we’ll be laughing and joking and talking silly old things very soon. HUGS.

  • paola

    hard, not heard …

  • http://Www.siximpossiblethings.net jac

    I think the Berrys have seen altogether too much of that hospital. Emergency Room-free February! Aim high! xx

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      I vaguely recall at this time LAST year declaring I was aiming to go a month before another hospital stay. We got until May. Not bad. Well and truly then caught up but not bad.

  • http://magnetoboldtoo.com Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo

    Xxxx

    When I feel like this I just remember that dude in Life Of Brian that said ‘could be worse, could be dead’ and laugh manically and people bring me chocolate.

    Love you face off

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Thanks dude. Chocolate has been working, particularly when I realised I’d lost 5kgs in 1.5 weeks. Well played stupid body, well played.