Day whatever

I’m almost a week out from when I went from panic attacks and wrestling the tonnage of my self-doubt to bat-shit crazy suicidal self-harming banshee.

A week.

How time flies.

My mum keeps asking me how I am, am I feeling ‘better’. This morning I just had to tell her that no I wasn’t better but I was OK and that this wasn’t a quick fix and it was going to take a while for me to be better.

Many of her generation struggle with the whole mental health topic despite hearing all the research and news stories and stories about their kids and their friends kids who actually can say, ‘hmmm, maybe it isn’t that normal to imagine topping myself as one of the solutions to getting through today” and seek help to stop or at least narrow their choice of coping options to less life-ending ones. My parents tend to get it now after seeing me hit rock bottom and claw back up again but even so, just asking me if I’m ‘better’ makes my head explode.

At the moment I am functioning. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and savouring the fact I am not edgy, that I don’t have a pit in my stomach, that I’m not crying more than 5 times a day, that I am not imagining driving our chef’s knife down through my hands and pinning them to our breadboard (hello weird Jesus complex anyone? It’s my very own foodist crucifixion) and that I’m not imagining how blissful it would feel as I fell from Narrabeen headland.

I guess if we’re looking at it on that scale then fuck feeling better, I’M CURED!

Dr M gave me a script and permission to be taking 5mg of diazepam three times a day. That plus a bipolar drug at night which is excellent at lifting mood and helping sleep. Then microscopically introducing Zoloft. I’m up to a whole half a tablet! I haven’t needed that fell-a-horse dosage of diazepam – in fact I’ve only been taking one in the morning with the zoloft and it’s pretty much been enough. Last night was bad and I realised that maybe I could take the medicine my doctor told me to.

Let’s just file this post under ‘progress’.

 

Onward.

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  • Vicky

    A suggestion? If you don’t feel comfortable taking the 5mg, half the tablet and take 2.5mg three times a day. That may be all you need to the anxiety under control. When my anxiety is ramping up, as it is at the moment, that’s what I do, and it seems to help. (note to self…make appt for doctor) I don’t take Valium all the time. Last time was four months ago to deal with the anxiety of flying and leaving my children behind.

    I’m glad that you are feeling ok, any progress is good. X
    Vicky recently posted..Pictures really do say 1000s of words

  • http://mamamarmalade.blogspot.co.uk/ Stephanie Deck

    Your raw honesty and strength floors me. So glad this week is better than last week. One day at a time, hun x
    Stephanie Deck recently posted..Olympic Fever

  • Narelle

    It is so frustrating how that generation are stuck in the mind set with mental health issues. I remember being diagnosed with depression and my mothers solutions was a steak and good nights sleep!

    You are one tough cookie.. and one of the most inspirational and funniest people I’ve ‘meet’ in a long time.

    Be gentle to yourself. As someone told me once ‘start with taking every minute as it comes then work your way up to each hour as it come, then each day and week.. it gets easier’

  • http://littlelioness.net Fiona

    PROGRESS!!

    Thank you for sharing all this xxxxxx
    Fiona recently posted..It’s Oh so Quiet

  • http://arthousehomelife.com alison

    Progress is good. Onward indeed.

    Love to you.

    Alison
    alison recently posted..A new star is born

  • http://www.allconsuming.com.au/2011/10/quilt-winner/#comments Ruth

    Thinking of you often, so glad you feel you can update us with your days, each one is progress, each minute, hour, day, night all progress, slow yet steady xxx
    hang in there, you are loved x
    Ruth recently posted..Day whatever

  • http://www.farmerswifey.com Farmers Wifey

    wow, amazing much? Yes you xo

  • Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist

    So good to read that within this post there are words that sound like a woman who is doing her one foot at a time routine well.
    Accepting meds from the doctor then determining you don’t need all/some/many is that bloody brain doing its tricks again. It helps to have someone who’s got your back with that notion. Am guessing Chef, is that very one. I needed to be my Hub’s when he was at worst.
    Speaking of generations. We are 62 & 63 and because of Hub’s severe & debilitating depressive episodes which almost saw hospital but saved from that thanks to a good Psych & GP and modestly me. Hardest illness of Hub’s I have ever & will ever deal with. But I’m a talker about it & a do something about it & no-one gets a pussy-footing convo from me about it at all. Our kids ( close to your age) have had to & still do deal with their own & partners MH issues. Our son is now a Psychologisf FFS because of where his addictive personality took him 12 years ago.
    So I know that when people in my Dad’s generation (he’s 88) find the topic somewhat concerning that it is discussed, I don’t accept that we cannot talk about it but respect that those of any generation who needed to deal with the real ( not the imagined / anticipatory) enemy via war may want to remain silent.
    Back you you Kim. I know you know what to do but when head space gets affected by med space it is not your fault but that of chemicals and predisposition.
    You stil made me laugh…not at but with. And as far as your Olympics coverage on FB tonight. GOLD to Kim’! Denyse x
    Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist recently posted..30 Thankfuls.

  • http://www.twitchycorner.com Twitchy

    Your folks’ generation is that of the blue volts- they have reason to be afraid. Sad they can’t be better support though. Nevertheless, you need make no any apologies and just do what you need to do to be ok. It is THE single most important thing. The rest doesn’t really matter. Strength to you, K.

  • http://www.wanderlustlust.com Wanderlust

    Your sense of humor is intact. That’s a good sign! I’m glad you have made progress. That is a real relief. You may not be where you want to be, but you’re now pointed in that direction. Don’t worry too much about trying to make your mom feel better about what you’re going through. That is for her to work out. You just take care of yourself and your children. That is really your only responsibility right now. x
    Wanderlust recently posted..How not to paint a room

  • Paola

    I agree with Wanderlust. Your humor is always there and you have the guts and strength to tell us all about your pain and struggle.
    You are strong. Never forget that.

  • http://saltycrunchybitterfresh.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    Oh dude. You are so right about that generation and how they deal with things. I weep to think of what our family could have been like had my grandmother ever actually been diagnosed and more importantly TREATED for what was going on with her. But no, we were all just trained to look the other way and pretend things weren’t happening for fear of “hurting her feelings”. FFS.

    (And you’ve just reminded me that I have a wee bit of Valium leftover from some procedure or other and hey, maybe the fact that I’m going to bed every night with a giant lump of dread in the pit of my stomach and waking every night/morning with my heart racing and a feeling of impending doom means I should dig that shit out of the cupboard and take some of an evening, you think? Yeah. Maybe. Sheesh.)
    Kathy recently posted..Unwinding the despair spiral

  • Laura

    Kim, good to hear your voice. Much love, strength, and peace for you.

  • http://arthousehomelife.com alison

    Keep going.
    alison recently posted..Love comes softly

  • http://matthewgain.com Matthew Gain

    Am glad things are looking a bit brighter Kim.

    Thinking of you and the fam.

    Also finding it hard not to think of that amazing custard tart that is flashing above! :-)
    Matthew Gain recently posted..Publicity vs PR