Life trumps everything

Narrabeen Pool

Don’t go up the stairs, don’t go up the stairs, don’t go up the stairs.

What I said out loud when, yesterday morning, I couldn’t lie in bed letting the voice in my head steal more from my soul.

What I said out loud when I went walking in the dark before I had to try and get through another day.

What I said as I walked past the stairs that go up the headland at the northern end of Narrabeen.

I got past them and breathed a little easier. I was listening to Ball Park Music when this track came on:

I ripped the headphones out because I didn’t believe it.

 

I kept thinking of my friends Eden and Maggie and their lives after losing people in their lives to mental health crises.

I made myself imagine the boys’ lives if I was gone. If I had taken me from them.

Sunrise at Narrabeen

Don’t go near the water, don’t go near the water, don’t go near the water.

 

How do you explain the demon realm to the uninitiated?

 

I spent much of yesterday working. Somehow, through the blinding storm of wanting to take one of our kitchen knives and drive it over and over through my hand so hard the tip would embed into the cutting board beneath, I wrote two articles.

The power of the human brain, huh.

 

Your comments kept me going. Chef making me cups of tea and holding me kept me going. Texts from friends kept me going. A text from Maggie saying, “Do not trust your feelings” was vital.

 

It sounds so counter-intuitive doesn’t it. We’re told constantly ‘go with your gut’, ‘if you feel it it’s real’. Well let’s all just make a mental note that there are particular occasions when the complete opposite is true.

“Don’t trust your feelings” gave me the power to say “I don’t believe you” to the vitriol my brain was flinging at itself. It got me to 3:20 yesterday afternoon.

And here we are, a whole day later. There’s a bit of a drug cocktail in play and I am fluctuating between awe at the power of modern medicine and trepidation that I could possible feel this much better this quickly.

What I do know is this. I am OK. And that is a whole lifetime away from where I was yesterday.

 

Onward.

 

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  • Mary

    So so glad to hear that the chemical cocktail is working, even if you can’t believe it. Hugs to you x

  • Debyl1

    I am so grateful for blogs as without them we couldnt help eachother in this way.
    I am so happy you got support from wonderful people leaving comments that gave you strength.
    I am so thankfull you made it through another day.
    Big warm supportive hugs to you.xx

  • Nat

    Hang in there Kim! You are such an inspiration that it makes me so sad that you are feeling this way. As you say, ONWARDS! xx

  • Megan

    How do you explain the demon realm to the uninitiated? You don’t. You can’t. But some of us have been there and know exactly what it’s like. And those of us who know what it’s like and are still here to talk about it know that ‘don’t believe your feelings’ are the wisest words ever spoken. I’m glad you are feeling better and I’m glad you have a wise friend like Maggie.

  • Ruth

    Another day, good on ya, hope to see you soon to give you a real hug, Monday if not b4
    xxxxoooxxx

  • http://blackbird17.blogspot.com blackbird

    Whew.
    Thinking of you.
    blackbird recently posted..Youngest returns

  • LeighRex

    Kimmy! Mate! Keep going, u can do it! Know this, if my family can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep on keeping on after the fucking bullshit life has just dealt us, then we can shove over and make room for one more sista. Berry is practically Barrie after all, right?? I had a massive panic attack in the hospital when Jim was still there……freaked me the fuck out enough to go to doc and get some anxiety meds which actually fucked me up even more so I ditched em after a week. We love your work Kimmy, life is SO. FUCKING. HARD. sometimes. Thinking of u mate xo

  • Fiona Ell

    So relieved for you and your boys. Just take one minute at a time, that is enough today .. Sending hugs.

  • http://shamozal.blogspot.com Kirsty Rice

    Keep going Kim. xx
    Kirsty Rice recently posted..I’m Here but I’m Not Here

  • http://arthousehomelife.com alison

    Proud we are. Keep going. It will lift. Love.

    Alison
    alison recently posted..Act Like a Girl!

  • http://www.whatsarahdidnext.com What Sarah Did Next

    Talking to people is a wonderful thing. I’m so glad you’re feeling better today and I hope that feeling continues. Keep on swimming, there’s a lotta love out there for you, hon.

    Love, Sarah xxx
    What Sarah Did Next recently posted..Music for Monday…

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      If I was talking I was OK. The minute I was on my own it went downhill FAST.

  • http://www.baby-mac.com BabyMacBeth

    Pooks, I’m glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. Keep going. OK? x
    BabyMacBeth recently posted..Checking out. Picking up. Dropping off.

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      You’re back! This makes my world a little bit better. Everyone resuming their rightful place in the world!

  • http://www.edenriley.com edenland

    I love you.

    Me and Dave are from the same side of the railway tracks. We have a saying …. “Don’t listen to head.”

    Our head is not our friend. Mine actually wants me dead, but I keep not dying.

    Not dying is pretty cool. I’ll scootch over on the bench for you, your naughty head, and your beautiful heart any day.

    XXXXXX
    edenland recently posted..Waiting For Permission: BlogHer 2012

  • SawHole

    Onward. That is the only option but I have been there and I totally get you when you speak for The Other. But it hurts to be trapped inside your head. It is physical and mental pain.
    My psychiatrist says don’t believe your thoughts and it is so true.
    I am glad the cocktail is working. You are one brave and tough chook. You have battled this for years. Your intestinal fortitude blows me away.
    Onward. Your comrade in arms xxx

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      You have been top-of-mind through all this – and even moreso when I realised I didn’t have your number. I was going to call you on Saturday to see if – as a veteran of all this – what I was feeling was me just being melodramatic or real. For reals. It was the early morning walk on Monday when I finally accepted that no, this was not normal or me being weak.

  • Leanne

    You are so strong. You really are. Hugs.

  • Mr baby Mac

    At the risk of sounding glib – you don’t need Tough Mudder. You already are.

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      FIVE weeks. Holy shitballs. My friend Bronwyn who’s doing it with me reckons I went psychotic because we did the formal registration on Saturday! I can’t wait. Can NOT wait.

  • http://www.thekidsareallright.com.au Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right

    So sorry you are feeling this torment Kim. Stay talking with people. xx

  • http://1onthesunnyside.blogspot.com/ Mandi

    I’ve not been here a few days and am so sorry to pop in and find you struggling so badly. Keep going, keep talking. One minute at a time. Thinking of you.
    Mandi recently posted..It’s An Oldie

  • Jo

    Kim, you give me hope. Thanks to your strength, I’ve made myself a dr appt for tomorrow. Jo x

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Go, GO. However bad you are feeling, it does not need to be so.

  • http://magnetoboldtoo.com Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo

    I was there last year. And only just now able to admit it.

    All of my love, ALL OF IT.

    Xx
    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted..Do you ever?

  • http://re-inventingfashion.blogspot.com/ Jody Pearl

    Feelings & thoughts are totally over-rated unless you’re a Mills & Boon fan – Intuition however needs to be listened to & nurtured because it’s our soul speaking our truth….thank goodness yours yelled loud enough to be heard.
    Jody Pearl recently posted..Melbourne My Way

  • http://littlelioness.net Fiona

    *hug*
    Fiona recently posted..It’s Oh so Quiet

  • Julie

    Haven’t been around for a few days. Sorry to read what you’ve been going through. here’s hoping the drug cocktail you are taking will help. Mine has been “touch wood” for over a year now.

  • http://deminimismater.blogspot.com/ Julie

    I’ve been crossing my fingers and holding my breath waiting to read this post.
    Julie recently posted..Southpaw

  • Paola

    OH sweet Kim, I just checked in after a few days of hiatus due to HELL going on with my job which had me in bed thinking THOSE dark thoughts myself and what do I find?
    You in serious trouble.
    I am relieved to read you are managing, albeit with drug cocktail but hey, whatever it takes to keep sane, for the sake of our loved ones.
    I’m hugging you an dfeeling your pain.

  • http://www.theparentingfiles.com.au tahlia – the parenting files

    Keep fighting. Keep going. I read so much strength and I feel your strength. Trust this in yourself too! x
    tahlia – the parenting files recently posted..i am grateful for: the nice car inspector