Not Quasimodo

Eyes on the prize

 

Of course after the diagnosis I am now on Google Doctor OVERLOAD.

 

Firstly, what can I tell you about finally having a name to how fucked I’ve felt. How fucked? This fucked:

Exhaustion

No, not just tired, or really tired, but pure exhaustion you can not push through. The kind where even on a trip to the supermarket down the road you find your eyes drooping. The kind where sitting on the lounge ensures you will be asleep sitting up before you can even clock what you’re watching. Exhaustion which hits you from nowhere – you can quite easily have had a great night’s sleep. The only thing I can liken it to is first trimester pregnancy but even that is not a PATCH on this.

Brain Fog

People’s names, clarity of thought, forgetting what you’re doing MIDWAY through doing it, WORDS. I will see letters that are IN the word I am thinking of but the word will be juuust out of reach, even with my brain on tippy toes it can’t.quite.get.there. Someone will ask you something and you see them talking but can’t hear what they’re saying. It’s like that Gary Larkin cartoon where you only clock in on key words – your name, chocolate, champagne, let me make dinner.

Sweating

Head sweats like no other. I will be standing still, doing very little and then it will be upon me. This was what actually made me go to the GP as I was convinced I was going through premature menopause. Seriously, like rivers of sweat pouring off me. It made me utter ‘Oh Victor, you are very unattractive man,’ repeatedly:

(3:25 for the skit, phrase uttered right at the very end 5:12 mark. BUT see Michelle in the first skit? My doppelganger. Infact, Magda is my doppelganger, period.)

Light-headed

Not dizzy, just the whole room suddenly swirling around me like a poor imitation of The Matrix. I can be sitting, standing, lying down, it doesn’t matter.

The shakes and racing heart

Again, it doesn’t matter when or where, suddenly I’ll have the shakes and/or my heart will start racing like I’m running for my life.

Depression

This is the kicker because I think we all know the longstanding relationship I have with all things depression. Has my depression been because of thyroid dysfunction? (who knows) Has it exacerbated it? (absolutely)

Poo stuff

Just not right. That’s all you need want to know.

 

SO much of this stuff I have felt on and off for years, YEARS. I always put it down to being unfit and being fat. In trawling through thyroid websites and information today I somehow chanced upon something talking about self-compassion. This:

• What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself? Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed?
• How do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?

and this (my bolding):

Most of us live in cultures that do not emphasize self-compassion, quite the opposite.  We’re told that we’re being lazy and self-indulgent if we don’t harshly criticize ourselves.  We’re told that no matter how hard we try, our best just isn’t good enough.  It’s time for something different.  We can all benefit by learning to be more self-compassionate, and now is the perfect time to start.

Yesterday I fixated on this one paragraph in the literature on Hashimoto’s Disease the endo had given me. It came under the heading What are the risks associated with Hashimoto’s disease?

Birth defects: babies born to women with untreated hypothyroidism have a higher risk of being stillborn, premature and spending extra time in the intensive care nursery. They may also have lower IQ later in life due to underdevelopment of the brain while in the womb.

You can see where that ended can’t you. I mean, the endo reckons this goiter has been there, growing for up to the last 10 years, what’s a handful more? And cue self flagellation of the grandest kind. I was a mean mother to Oscar yesterday. Yelling and short tempered and mean. I wasn’t liking myself very much for it, hating myself even so why not stick the boot in over something no-one will ever be able to answer?

 

Your thyroid is located in your neck and makes two kinds of thyroid hormones. Those hormones (T3 and T4) regulate how the body uses and stores energy. They help the brain, heart, muscles and other organs work properly. They are kind of VERY IMPORTANT.

I must say, I think I’m grieving a little bit. How much has this impacted on my life, on who I am, without me knowing it, with me putting it down to being fat or not good enough?

I’m sad and angry and scared to be perfectly honest and I don’t really know where to go and what to do from here.

Oh sure, I’ll take my thyroid meds and see my endo again in six weeks and see what the thyroid is doing and what the blood sugars are doing and so on and so forth but then what? what else? and why?

I am acutely aware of the role and impact stress is having on my health and my life but am at an impasse as to what to do about it. Chef and I learnt today that the bank had rejected our business plan to open allconsuming:food. That is the first most of you have heard of it. I am disappointed but no where near as much as I am relieved. Oh it would have been successful with the Mighty Chef behind the burners and me as the floor wench and the vice around my very being would have eased as the bank balance grew but it was not the answer. There is a Plan B which I think is far more realistic and as such I am more excited about that as a plan but I am wandering aren’t I.

In fact, I’m not sure where this is going. That I’m going to be kinder to myself? To try not to stress so much? Or to try not to let the stress affect me as deeply? I don’t know. One day at a time I guess.

 

Onward.

 

 

 

 

 

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  • http://saltycrunchybitterfresh.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    OH DUDE. I love you so much. I am so glad you have a diagnosis and that it’s treatable. I hope things get better. Scratch that; I KNOW things will get better.
    Kathy recently posted..More on misophonia

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Right back at ya lovely lady.

  • http://www.duyvken.blogspot.com Amelia

    Kindness in all things dear Kim.
    And thank goodness that you now have an answer!
    xxx
    Amelia recently posted..Listening to…

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Indeed.

  • http://www.siximpossiblethings.net jac

    I imagine it’s half a relief to be able to see how it might explain things, and half a complete freakout. Maybe more than half.
    On the plus side, Hashimoto’s is fun to say. HASHIMOTO’S. And I totally would eat at any place you and Chef were involved in.
    jac recently posted..Slackness

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      I KNOW – it sounds SO exotic doesn’t it – as opposed to fat, tired and dizzy.

  • Zoe

    Oh, god, please don’t turn into Sarah Wilson (JOKES, KIM!)

    It’s so hard to be kind to ourselves, especially to our fat selves. So many medical people think that every time a fat person needs help they really secretly want a weight lecture, why wouldn’t you feel that was the cause of things?

    I hope you start to feel better, and that things become easier. You’re already awesome xx

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      HAH! You made me laugh out loud.

      And no, I won’t be turning onto anyone doing a ‘no’ anything. I mean, HOW ridiculous and completely unsustainable and deeply deeply boring.

  • http://arthousehomelife.blogspot.com.au alison

    Being nicer to oneself never hurt anyone. Just sayin’

    If/When I find out HOW we do that I will be sure and let you know, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do time, rest, flowers, and friends.

    Oh shit that sounds trite. I can see that as I type. Sorry. Hang in there. Just keep swimming. Rest when you can, push when you can. That’s what my mum told me about childbirth but I find it works well no matter what you are up against. Mummakarma being sent your way tonight.
    alison recently posted..Back in five minutes

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Not trite at all Alison – and you are bang on. Allowing myself to rest. Having the occasional pretty thing around me and staying connected with my wondrous friends.

      Rest when you can, push when you can – SO GOOD!

  • Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist

    Oh dear. I know..I know exactly what you mean. What IF I had been nicer/kinder to ME..no, of course not. Kim..an answer is what you have now to so many questions and rambling thoughts you’ve had in the worst hours. And onward could not be a more appropriate word. But first. How do you know how to be you NOW? Not judgy Kim. Just Kim..a lady who’s given more to others than she’s ever done to herself. love D x
    Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist recently posted..School is NOT always the answer. Part Two.

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      xxx

  • http://dancingwithfrogs.com Frogdancer

    A diagnosis is good. It might not be what you wanted to hear but at least you can now have answers.
    As for the rest? Just one foot in front of the other…
    xx
    Frogdancer recently posted..This would make anyone frequent a bar!!

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Indeed. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

  • http://the-accidental-housewife.blogspot.com.au/ The Accidental Housewife

    Onward never looked like a better option. Onward, and don’t look back. Self flagellation leaves scars, too: it’s not a victimless crime.

    I’m glad for you that now your bloody horrible symptoms now have a known cause and an available treatment. And I reckon you’ll probably start to have more clarity and perspective once you stop channeling a fainting, sweating, sleeping, pooping Magda. xx
    The Accidental Housewife recently posted..Tempus Fugit

    • http://www.allconsuming.com.au allconsuming

      Thanks pet, I hope so to. Onward as I say!

  • http://blowingkissesmakingwishes.blogspot.com.au Hannah

    All things fucked thyroid run in my family. My grandmother had ten children and spent most of her life moving in and out of psych wards before she learnt, after most of her kids had grown up and moved out, that she had thyroid issues. My sister has buggy eyes and lost her thyroid at 17. But now she (and you too) get to move forward.
    Good luck with your business ventures!
    Hannah recently posted..The Nutri-Grain Ban & Industrial Action

  • http://thescentofwater.typepad.com Megan

    I received the same diagnosis almost a year ago – such a relief to know, and a little angry at all the wasted years of being to tired to do anything but survive. It’s taken a while to get dosage right and now I need to focus on the rest of it; weight, depression, yada, yada. Maybe I should take up running…
    Megan recently posted..Stoned