Sexy times

Recently Chef and I have been reaping in the bounty, THE BOUNTY, of the return of my libido, something that has been in dormancy for more than a decade (if we’re being truly honest). Unfortunately Oscar’s hospital visit, financial woesme crashing the car and having a particularly crackers red ninja attack) have put short shrift to it.

So, while Chef reflects on what was possibly the best month of his life (seriously, it rivalled his lunchtime conjugal visits when we were first going out and Chef (working for his dad during uni holidays) would get his dad to drop him over to my place for his lunch break (AUDACIOUS!) and I will the bits back into action, The Huffington Post put an article up today about “Sex Life Satisfaction”. As IF eleventy gagillion people weren’t going to click through to that story. Basically an exercise magazine and yahoo teamed up and interviewed 1,000 people aged between 18 and 64 about their sex life.

Here are the pearls of responses:

Dinner And Wine Turns us on
Apparently the “good old-fashioned dinner date” is the way into our pants. It ranked about a sexy movie (is that code for a porno or just a very generous description of The Notebook?), a sexy text or phone call or – wait for it – invigorating exercise. I find that surprising because I find nothing more of a turn on than flogging my guts out with some kettle bells and weighted balls to come home and play with Chef’s.

Curiously there is no mention of what a turn-on it is for women if the man doesn’t leave his dirty undies on the floor, vacuums, makes dinner, cleans up after dinner without having to be asked, voluntarily puts on a load of washing, hangs it out, brings it in, sorts it, puts it away, cleans his skid marks out of the toilet bowl immediately following the delivery of said skid marks, cleans the toilet, doesn’t fart…

Sorry, where was I?

Women need Verbal Affirmation
44% of women said their partner saying “I love you” was a turn-on compared to only 26% having the same reaction to being told, “You are so hot”. Poor Chef, he tells me he loves me all the time. But he also says how hot I am, how much he loves my boobs and still gives a little “boobies!” squee when they are released from their holding pen. Then again, he also manages to give almost every single statement I make a sexual innuendo gag. It’s a chef thing. Regardless, it’s not working. NEXT!

We want more time for sex and for sleep
If given an extra hour in the day, 35% said they’d “have great sex” (as opposed to having the average or boring varieties) while 20% said they’d “catch up on sleep”. Curiously men were almost twice as likely to choose sex than women. How surprising. How would you spend an extra hour a day? I’d probably waste it on Twitter. Or checking out some new gay porn fan fiction and servicing the lady garden which would in-turn turn Chef on no end but satisfy me nicely enough I needed no follow-up on his return home that evening. Thereby creating the scenario where he would want more sex from that extra hour while I’d be requesting sleep. NEXT!

All It Takes Is 42 Minutes
When asked how long their “lovemaking sessions” lasted, the average response was 42 minutes. HOLY SEXY UNDIES BATMAN, FORTY TWO minutes. Guys, I’m not sure, maybe Chef and I are doing it wrong, but if we were at it for 42 minutes, dear GOD I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. FORTY TWO MINUTES??? Almost an HOUR of sexy time? My vagina is hurting – and not in a good way – at the thought of it. Surely that is a lie. I mean, even when the libido kicked back in and there was a LOT of lovin’ occurring, granted I did not have my eye on the clock but I significantly doubt it was anywhere NEAR 42 minutes.

FORTY TWO MINUTES?

Head, officially exploding.

Talking dirty
Nearly half of the women surveyed (42%) said that they had “talked dirty” on the phone to a romantic interest. Really? I mean, Chef tries it on but I struggle with it. I reckon it is a rare area of my personality where you can apply the term ‘prude’. It just feels weird and in bed, well, it makes me want to laugh which, hello, MOOD KILLER.

Most Women Have Consistent Sex Lives
69% (teehee, I said 69!) of women said they have sex 1-3 times a week. Yeah, that sounds about right. When my libido was hibernating the goal was once a week – to at least make Chef look a little less forlorn, when it was in full flight the action was on 4-5 times a week, sometimes twice in the one night (OUTRAGEOUS!) but really, if it’s not scheduled it’s pretty easy to slide of my radar. Ah, scheduling. So so romantic.

 

So does this all have you nodding in agreement? anything to add? to call into question?

 

Onward.

 

 

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  • Zoe

    Look, you say scheduling isn’t romantic but I remember some SexyTimes Educator person saying “But when you just meet someone you spend a _lot_ of time scheduling sex”. Which is true, at least for me 🙂

    Also, 42 minutes. Heh. Nah.

    • Well now I need to know what – or who – constitutes a “Sexy Times Educator Person”. Possible new career? Sorted.

  • Sooz

    [speaking very quietly] 42 minutes doesn’t seem so freaking weird to me. Though by the sounds of things if we added up minutes over a week we may be talking the same ball park…

    • No need to be speaking quietly dude, loud and proud for you m’dear, LOUD and PROUD.

  • mrse

    Sure that 42 minutes is not with the same person? LOL

  • YouknowmesoI’mnotsaying

    Well, HE told me once that HE had been taking a survey of our, um, activities and announced that we average 45 minutes…

    • OH NOW I get it. But the LADIES were saying it was that long too. A co-conspiracy perhaps.

      • YouknowmesoI’mnotsaying

        Oh no, I concurred! I watched the clock for a few weeks and he was right!

  • Mate, the talking dirty? SHUT THE HELL UP.

    • It just strikes me as so… silly? I mean, we’ve been together 21 years this year, it just… eugh.

  • Currently “maybe” once a week, cos I’m all over the place in my head :/ gah. I want my rabbit habbits back!

  • trash

    I have a sneaking suspiscion that ’42 minutes’ is from clothes off to cigarette time because no one can survive ~3/4 of an hour sliding time. The friction burns for either party don’t bear thinking about. And there is NO WAY I am kissing that thing better when it is covered in carpet rash.

    • I’m with Trash. I count the 42 minutes as starting when *the hand* first creeps over. I could NEVER stand 42 mins of proper thrusting. I try as hard as possible to make that bit as quick as possible.

      And I reckon 42 would be about right for a proper night of action. But if you want to know more detailed stats, ask Mr A. He always checks the clock before and after. I think it’s a male pride thing?
      The Accidental Housewife recently posted..Fancy Pants

      • OH THAT IS GOLD. Does he then throw in a, ’38 minutes tonight honey, not bad, not bad at all.’

        • You know it! There may even be an attempted high five or congratulatory butt slap in there…
          The Accidental Housewife recently posted..Fancy Pants

          • Awesome. Simple awesome. When I was telling chef about this mythical 42 minutes his reply was, ‘does that include all the begging?’

  • Nodding in agreement all the way to the comments section. Either you are me or you married my husband – I’m not sure which is weirder but I’m with you all the way on this one. From “boobies” right down to “45 minutes” not on your red-raw-?. Hilarious

    • I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to know there are other women out there married to other men who are basically carbon copies of us. Although I’m getting scared at the number saying 42 minutes is about right. I really am going to have to lift my game.

      • Grumpy Mum

        Just remember Kim – its the life in your sex, not the sex in your life that matters…

        Go for quality over duration every time baby!

        Glad to hear you’re back on that ‘horse’…

        Giddyup chef-man!

  • trash

    Hmmm … based on recent posts Kim I think Chef is pretty happy with whatever is the current length of your game.

  • 42 MINUTES???!!!!

    That ship has sailed. I’d rather be finished, dressed, and sitting up reading a magazine in bed with a hot cup of tea, than still going at 42 minutes.

    AM OLD, CLEARLY.

    xxx
    edenland recently posted..This Guy. On This Day.

  • I’m with you on the exercise. Works better than any of the rest.
    Wanderlust recently posted..13 random google searches, for your pleasure

  • 32 minutes.
    Thursdays and Sundays.
    Tons of fun – some experimentation from time to time.
    NO TALKING. Good god, NO TALKING.

    Sometimes more, sometimes less, we both feel the other is damn good at it.
    30 years.

    Sigh.

    (oh, and, I wouldn’t be caught dead exercising)
    blackbird recently posted..5/17

  • Denyse

    yes. 42 minutes is correct.
    That was by the sundial because it was soooooo long ago since “the act” was performed.
    42 minutes = 3 times …in a day.. Coz a sundial
    Is useless at night.
    And we were randy 21 y olds
    Oh god TMI
    Denyse recently posted..Families’ Week. Day 5. Change is Good.

  • If it’s not too information, I do feel it is only people who are in fairly new relationships who are at it for 42 minutes (and longer!) at a time. And that does add up to a lot of sore body parts and need for extra sleep. Who can keep that up? Also, the male partner does put in a lot of time with the extra housework at that stage of the relationship. I say it again: Who can keep that up? I’ll keep you posted …

    • So are you telling me that you’re in a new relationship and it goes for longer than that? Exhausted just thinking about it.

  • Zoe

    Just because I care, I did a test last night for you.

    Not 42 minutes, but lovely, thanks 🙂

    • we too tested it. For research purposes of course. Not 42 but twice, so probably close to it.

      Showing off? Just a little bit.

  • Paola

    Why no comments? Hmmm you scared them all … I don’t have much to add other than I heart you immensely, the way you display even such a delicate matter makign it light and funny and easy.
    Precious, you are.

    • NO! I installed Disqus and it’s eaten all my old comments.

  • Perhaps you misread it? Was it 4-2 minutes?
    BabyMacBeth recently posted..Kidspot Ford Territory Top 50: Childhood

    • Cath

      Yes I am with you, think its a typo.
      All of you are hysterical, going to be late picking up my kids now!

  • LOVE LOVE THIS – all these woman commenting on the same thing – 42min… hell I have three kids, 42 min would be my total for the MONTH!!! Did I mention I have three kids… My libido left when they came. Took notes and will give your libido kick back into action hints a try – though I think I might giggle if I hear dirty talk… hehehe 42mins