Like a red rag to a bull.

Do you remember the personal development talks at school? The ones where they told you about the changes your body was going through and how you were becoming a woman? Remember the talks about “menstruation”?

That neat little diagram of a pair of ovaries, a set of fallopian tubes, a pretty little uterus?

Remember how they didn’t mention the non-physical aspects of getting your rag?

Here’s a heads up young readers – getting your period is so much more than your body expelling an unfertilised egg. So much more. For some of us there are issues of ovulation pain and crankiness, then there is the pre-menstrual zone of blazing anger sometimes coupled with a need to clean usurped only by that of a woman about to give birth, which is ironic really, when you think about it.

Then there is the bloodfest itself – a dear friend of mine alerted me to the world of Day 2 which I believe is only rivalled by that of Day 3. Those two days are when I am basically a white female Jules Winnfield about to strike vengeance into anyone who so much as looks at me in a way I find not pleasing. Or pulls left to turn right. Or slows to an almost stop before pulling into a turning lane or to turn a corner. Or offers a running commentary on what I’m doing. Or states the fucking obvious about what I’m doing. Or fights with their brother one.more.time. You see where this is going. You don’t even need to have a pulse to raise my ire.

When I wrote this my period arrived that night.

Today, Day 2, I washed the hallway walls. THE FUCKING WALLS. AND one of the bathrooms. AND vacuumed. AND made a cake and creamed rice for dessert. And I cried. A lot. I cried on the phone to the health insurance company working out how much we had to pay to reignite our policy, realising we didn’t have that much. That poor poor woman. She was so lovely. Then I cried because Oscar was doing his weird rude-vaguely aggro-lalala routine which makes me want to stab either him or myself with a fork. Then Felix and Jasper and Grover all noticed that I was crying and asked if I was alright and volunteered up hugs which made me cry some more. Then my stepmother rang and OH MY GOD I just bawled and bawled on her. I’ve cried a few more times since then and eaten enough creamed rice that I’m sure it will make pretty patterns in the sand at tomorrow morning’s SOFT SAND RUNNING training session.

Day 2 mother fuckers.

To keep everyone on their toes it appears I roll on a 2 monthly routine of bat-shit crazy. Last month my period arrived with barely a whimper and I carried on like a (relatively) normal human being. The month before that it was a miracle we all made it out alive. And here we stand. Bat-shit crazy once more.

On top of that it hurts to ovulate. I am getting pimples as bad as 1987 and let’s not talk about the flow. Holy bejeebus it’s like a massacre down there.

My therapeutic doses of fish oil and evening primrose and vitamin b do go some way to even the keel just a little. But I took my eye off the prize this month with the evening primrose and suspect the lack thereof is contributing to the delightful unfurling of events here at club allconsuming.

My GP confirmed a while back that the older you get the more issues you get – it’s like the whole becoming a woman in reverse. It was a bastard when it started then you find some uneasy truce for 20 years or so and then BANG it totally bitch-slaps you into place.

I wonder if anyone will hand this out to young women during personal development classes: So ladies, here’s what’s going to happen to you physically (cue: diagram) and here’s what’s going to happen to you emotionally (cue: you are SO SCREWED).

 

Do you go crackers when the egg is leaving the building? Do you have a Day 2 (or 3)?

 

Onward.

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  • Sarah

    Um yeah ha my pimples just never went away. Kinda over that and I am like 40

    I would have cleaned walls with you if I hadn’t had been nursing. Hot chin ups

  • Last month I was convinced that all my sisters were ignoring me and my mother didn’t even like her own grandchildren. The only person not upsetting me was my husband, I don’t think I need to explain how screwed up that is!
    Carli @ Tiny Savages recently posted..What I’ve learned from 8 months of blogging

    • Actually, come to think of it, last month I was fairly convinced I must have done something to upset my MIL as she was ignoring me. Ah no, that would be called ‘being busy’. FFS. Sometimes I am of the firm belief our ovaries are actually trying to kill us.

  • Oh just you wait. There is more to come. I’m 45 now and I have all the awfulness of my late 30s (psychotic mood swings, running through an overnight pad in 20 minutes, etc.) PLUS this new irregularity thing where I might be 5 days late or I might be 5 days early or I might have two periods a month or I might bleed for 10 days straight. Oh yeah. GOOD TIMES. (Yesterday was supposed to be Day One. No sign of it yet, but right now I feel like I could run a marathon while giving birth and knitting a sweater, all at once. This can’t end well.)
    Kathy recently posted..May days

    • I think you need to tell Naomi about the Diva Cup.

  • Gee, I feel very lucky…
    Frogdancer recently posted..Waste not want not carried to a new level.

  • Pimples with wrinkles, and way too many trips to the gynie here…
    Ingrid recently posted..“Jane Says”*

  • I am totally nuts the week before and then I get awful pain during the flood. Urgh. Awful. According to my mother menopause it’s much better. Yay for womanhood!
    Hannah recently posted..Grateful Fridays

  • Two months ago I admitted defeat and went to my GP. I explained in a *cough* rational way that I just could not do this period thing anymore.

    I now have these tablets, I don’t care what they are, or how they work, but they lessen the blood flow. It means that I can hold a conversation with people without the fear I am bleeding all over the chair, and don’t have to rush from my classroom every hour for fear of scaring 25 children for life.

    As for my emotional state, I fear for my husband, daughter and son. I also fear for anyone in a 100 metre radius.

    The scary thing is my daughter is scarily close to the time when she will start her period. Hell hath no fury like two females on a hormonal roller coaster, one just starting out on her journey and one hoping like fuck menopause is quick and swift.
    Naomi recently posted..Love and other herbal based medicines.

    • here’s the thing – you need to talk to Kathy (above in comments and linked to in the post) about the Diva Cup – she used to bleed like a stuffed pig.

      And my concern is everyone I know to have gone through menopause seems to have been going through menopause for decades. SO not happy Jan.

  • I did not know that about the cleaning, but it explains A LOT.
    Bec @ Bad Mummy recently posted..Let me tell you a story

  • Kim-Marie

    I have that really bad PMS that has its own name that I can’t remember. Because short term memory loss is but one of the fun symptoms. I really think I move out and some other crazy woman moves in for PMS week. Or as it is lovingly named in our house – Psycho Week.

    I take a variety of supplements and am trialling my third Pill. If this doesn’t work, they’ve suggested antidepressants. I’m not cool with 365 day mood regulation when I only need help for one week a month.

    When Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Stuck Pig week starts, I’m “me” again. Well, apart from the excruciating pain and well, you get the picture.

    The other weeks are Ovulation week or Get it Onnnn week and there is just one week when I’m “normal”.

    If I’d found all this out in school, I think I would have signed up for a sex change op. I looked like a boy back then.

    Disgustingly unfair.

  • OMG yes. Just had Implanon removed. Was having pill issues (homicidal PMT and headaches that would kill a herd of horses). So had Implanon done (holy crap that hurt). Solved the other issues – period stopped – but I put on 5 kilos. Out comes Implanon. Waiting for my first period since removal. I WILL NEED TO BE RESTRAINED.
    You have my mega sympths. xxxxx

  • I tried heaps of things but migraines were my worst symptom and everything has got worse from my early 30’s. I got a mirena a year ago and it has helped

  • Lara

    Well, if you’re looking for a ‘natural’ way around it, you can always *ahem* have twins and breastfeed. I haven’t had a period since… let me count back… October 2010. Come to think of it, that is seriously pretty much almost the awesomest thing about my life, given I’m coming off a month of quarantine brought on by two babies which followed up a double case of gastro by contracting hand foot and mouth virus. I could go on…

    • Having a kid and it then being hideously intense is awesome for period eradicatione.

  • You’re adorable.
    Amelia recently posted..Listening to…

  • Paola

    Ah, I had the year from HELL last year and found out I had a NASTY leiomyoma. How did I find out you may ask? I was almost admitted for anemia, it was down to 7. My period got to the point of lasting 14 days with the first 5 when I could not move from home, had to change every 30 minutes, ALSO during the night so I had my alarm set like that, 5 nights each month for 5 months.
    Swell times.
    Then I went under the knife and you know what? It worked. It’s now ONLY 7 days with DAY 2 and DAY 3 pretty heavy but I only need to wake up 1 once during the night.
    To me that is VICTORY!
    BTW, it should start tomorrow, 5 days before my birthday.
    Nobody will ever tell you any of this …

  • Cath

    Just saying I had a endometrial ablation 18 mths ago and it has made the world of difference, still cycle, but those issues of pain- gone, bad/mad/sad moods- heaps better, bleeding- none, none for 18mths….I am a new woman.
    It took me 2 years to get to the point of accepting having the procedure , an hour to have the actual procedure and a day to recover

  • Hahahaha I love this!

    “its like a bloody massacre down there” made me spit my tea! Best!

    I am totally going to hand this out to my daughter, little dose of the truth!

    I get the ovulation pain too. How unfair is it to have cramps and pains twice a month? Can they not leave us women alone? id like a break!
    Mumma Drogi recently posted..Rise Above