No title

Sometimes I think my brain doesn’t like me very much. The murky swill up there, clouding the clarity of my thoughts, muddying my journey, hindering my path.

The demons have changed with time but then I question, have they really?

‘You’re such a good writer.’ ‘You should write a book.’ ‘What you need is a column, your stories are so funny, so heart-wrenching, so real.’ I hear it but perhaps I don’t believe it? Perhaps I’m too scared to commit to it for fear if I fail then what is there?

Oh don’t worry, there’s so much cognitive therapy in my history I can play that through to the end, know that if nothing came of it there would be other things. There would be more.

I just can’t shrug off the heavy heavy coat of ‘is this it?’

Human nature is so complicated isn’t it, how we constantly are moving forward – new breakthroughs in science and medicine and greater understanding of why we do and say what we do and say but there is no really explanation of why?

WHY are any of us doing this? Eking out some day to day existence for what? Is this what it was all meant to be about? Holding down a job which if it ended tomorrow would be of no matter.

If I am such a good writer why does no-one with power (and money) notice? Maybe if I just put myself out there, just was a little less scared of making that call, sending that email.

Maybe I should worry about that less and actually do some fucking writing. Or even just plain writing. Fucking writing makes me a little skeevy to be honest.

Ah it is of little matter. Little consequence. It’s just the standard angst of a white woman with a life so rich she can not see if for the folly of what more there is just over that rise.

So what is this constant restlessness? This unshakeable dissatisfaction? What am I yearning for – recognition? reward? fame? Sometimes I think this must be it as why would I otherwise be so green-eyed when it comes to those around me?

But at the heart is a desire to make a difference. To shine a light on things not known or little shared and for people to walk away from my words a little lighter, or wiser, or entertained, empowered even. To make that connection with others and between others. To say we may be miles apart or just around the corner but living lives so different. Wanting to open eyes, wake people up. DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU?

Yet here I sit, feeling stuck, puttering along the highway, bunny-hopping and limping pathetically forward while everyone else is flying by in their Maserati, the wind in their hair and a case of fine champagne on the back seat.

Maybe this year I shall be brave.

 

Onward.

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  • Your stories are so honest and funny – you can do it. It is never too late to chase a dream and make it a reality.
    Trish recently posted..Sunday ~ A good day

  • I’m hearing you, sister. Do what you do best. Write, one word after another. Page after page. Go go go. xxx
    Inner Pickle recently posted..party like a five year old

  • I could have written this, almost wrote it, perhaps have written it? Indeed, if my writing is so good, if my message so important, why hasn’t anyone who matters noticed it and given me lots of money to buy my Maseratti?

    Perhaps the world is changing. Perhaps we need to do our own noticing and blowing our trumpet and believing in ourselves. Perhaps we can do it on our own? Somehow…
    Dorothy @ Singular Insanity recently posted..The Power of Words

  • For me, avoiding trying something also means avoiding failure. Gutless, sure, but safe. It’s a lot easier to say “give it your best, consequences be damned” than it is to do it. And there are a million reasons each day for you to avoid doing it – it’s not like your real life isn’t crazy busy. And yet, you have returned to this theme a few times -what it is all about, what it all means. There must be something strong in you that is questing/questioning. Maybe this year is the year you find those answers. I hope so. Good luck Kim.
    Julie recently posted..How it is

  • You need to do something for YOU.
    Go work in a bakery/jam shop/bookstore.Get out of your house.
    It’s hard to sit and write when your life is about everyone else’s.
    I’m yelling this from my Maserati. I’m saving you a bottle of champagne.
    blackbird recently posted..the future

  • Oh dude. I am limping along right there with you.
    Kathy recently posted..New year, same old me

  • Kim – I was 42 when I first started taking my photography seriously. I had to volunteer my work, send emails, come up with some crazy ideas to get work. I did it. It was frightening sometimes.

    And exhilarating.

    Send that email.
    Mary recently posted..Postcards Fourteen

  • I hope you get unstuck soon x
    BabyMacBeth recently posted..Just call me Bev: Episode 15 {old gold}

  • So many great comments, Kim. Put yourself out there, darling, something great will happen! xx
    Amelia recently posted..Epiphany/Revelation

  • I’m with blackbird (she’s smart isn’t she?) – you need to change the game to get a different outcome. Keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. Shifting a few other puzzle pieces around will open up new possibilities – things you can’t see now. That’s where the words will come from and the inspiration (and fortitude) to hawk them.

  • [written from my Holden Kinfgswood, which doesn’t fly, but it does roar.]
    sooz recently posted..cooker

  • I hooked a ride with the Amish on that highway.

    They make me look good and are far too polite to say anything when I fart.

    x
    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted..The internet needs to buy me a house. Single story with a wrap around porch. Double story only if there is a secret escape hatch from the murderers.

  • Linda

    sometimes it all gets a bit much and i retreat to my comfort zone

    i stay there for as long as i need too

    then i reach the stage that i am ready to take a leap of faith and step off the ledge

    i then fake it until i make it

    funnily enough it took me ages to realise my children had/have the same pattern of behaviour since they entered this world

    every now and then their personal growth would stall, then regress, then they would take another leap forward.

    my comfort zone is a freaking boring place but it does serve its purpose.

    breath slowly and deeply and appreciate yourself for who you are at this moment

  • I know that feeling. Is something the way it is because you want it that way or because you are too scared to risk the broken bones for a great, senseless giant leap.

    You are brave, no matter what.
    Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..278/365 I Don’t Know

  • Kill

    I am praying. I will trust in the goodness He has in store for you. You know that I know there is only so much raging against it all that you can do till you despair, and I am there for you, as you have been there for me. You are and will be truly magnificent