The blues, I haz it

So folks, give or take six weeks the black dog, the brain turkeys, the DEPRESSION has been circling. I’ve been aware of it and we all know what a blessing this is as opposed to falling into the pit and not even knowing it.

There’s been some tweaking of the meds this last month and a fair whack of “cognitive therapy” – ie trying to talk myself out of it. Both with limited success.

Am I ok? Yeah, I guess. No, not really.

I can do the positive talk – the taking stock, looking at this, the family, where we live and so on and so forth. I know. I KNOW.

I can do the “that thought is not helpful, now find one that is” routine. And have been.

But then there is the rest: the listlessness, the exhaustion, the desire to flee, the crying, the yelling, wanting to retreat, the self-loathing, the lack of enjoyment from things I normally love and on it goes.

Then I get broadsided by the clanger. The feeling of complete and utter worthlessness. It thwacked me around the head last night from out of nowhere. It’s like taking a hit to the guts, you double over, you can’t get your breath and the sadness that it brings is like the biggest, heaviest blanket you can imagine.

And now I am pinned by it. Full of melancholy and guilt and self-doubt and well, blah.

I can quite easily tell myself the opposite, that of course I’m not worthless and so on and so forth, Chef can do the same but it is no matter, it makes no difference.

I know I will get through it, I know it will pass. I do. But, you know, it’s just really hard.

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  • huge hugs for you xx
    Reemski recently posted..Distracted – AKA Bill Granger’s Crunchy Top Pear Muffins

  • Love you Kim.

    Elemar x
    Eleanor recently posted..Beauty and the Beast

  • xo
    from over here

  • Mr Woog is going away on Friday and I can feel myself sliding into the blues as well. FUCK OFF xxx

    • Chef told me he’s going to Melbourne for five days next week/weekend to meet w/ boutique breweries and small food producers. They’re also going to Beechworth and Bright. It was one of the final straws. I mean it’s 4 blokes going for five days to eat and drink. He won’t have to make any plans or arrangements here to make it happen, can just throw dome things in a bag and be gone. STABBY.

  • must be absolutely bloody awful. sorry this is happening for you.
    Julie recently posted..Note to self

    • I just read your last post-man how awesome was that. Do you think the world is darker, more sinister now, more angry or just that we are older and far less naive?

      • I think that for a single person travelling the odds of anything terrible happening are probably the same. But now we are so connected all the time – through the internet and mobiles etc, that there is no such thing as escape, or blissful ignorance. Not sure whether it is actually more sinister and angry or we are just more aware of the sinister elements. And we’ve all heard such terrible stories about innocents abroad that we think these things must be common. But, on 9/11, thinking about my own experience, it seemed such a pity to let our world turn into a place where these wonderful experiences are not available to our kids, for fear of what might happen.
        Julie recently posted..Note to self

  • Hugs Kim. It sucks, it truly does. I wish I had that bloody magic wand to take it all away. Hang in there, one moment at a time xox

    • It really sucks that the magic wand is time. Stupid magic wand.

  • Hang in there. Wish I had something more useful, but that’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. If I ever discover something more, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, do hang in there. We’re all on your side. xx

    • Thanks pet – at least the Blues won on the weekend.

  • I’m not sure I have anything helpful, except to say you’re not alone. I’m about where you are too. Except, that’s not helpful at all right now, is it?

    It’s a step at a time. I hope you can work through it, whether that be by seeing a Dr, CBT, Mediation, whatever helps you, or has helped you before. I’m glad you were aware of it building. You’re right, it does give us a tiny little buffer when we hit the ground.
    I’m sorry you feel like that. I hate the feeling when it is so overwhelming you feel like it’s pinning you to the ground (or the bed, as the case may be) and nothing can ever be strong enough to pull it off you.

    Talk. It’s all we’ve got, sometimes. Even just on here.
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  • Trish

    Reading this post was like reading a description of myself! I know when the black cloak has descended upon me, but am powerless to shrug it off. It really is a case of riding out the storm, the very lonely storm. My children know that mum is sad and wants to be alone, they give me just enough space to get by, but they also try to keep me in check. My husband doesn’t get it. Plus the arse has had to go away for 4 weeks – that is almost grounds for divorce in my eyes. And yes, he just packs a bag and goes to be pampered and fed and boozed while my mundane life goes on at home. Good luck to you, hang in there – the sun is shining and it will get better. xo

    • having a partner not get it would be the pits. Chef seems quite sure I’d be heaps better if we had more sex. Of course.

  • I’d offer to knee cap chef while he’s in town, but I guess that isn’t a helpful thought either. Then you’d have someone else to look after. Sorry dude, that’s some suckage there alright. Hope things move along quickly eh?

  • stupid magic wand – I’ve got one of them!

    Hope you’re feeling better soon 🙂
    Jody Pearl recently posted..Makes ya proud!

  • jac

    Suck. Hope you feel better soon. Chocolate? Chocolate peanut butter cups? Clearly my self-medication leans towards the cocoa-based, but I will also consider a red-wine oriented therapy.

    • chocolate has been my go-to. As has champagne. Of course this is fundamentally flawed – the chocolate makes me fat which just fuels the bad thoughts and the champagne doesn’t help the effectiveness of the meds. Tonight I’m not drinking. The ginger and lemon herbal tea was a very poor substitute.

  • Oh Kim, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re struggling at the moment. And I have to let you know that you, and your posts, are one of the highlights of my day. Cyber hugs from the wild west and lots of wishes that the black dog backs off real soon.
    Mandi recently posted..Shoes, Shoes, Shoes!

  • You gotz da bluez?
    I gotz da rhythm.
    Let’s get together
    and sing!

    If that doesn’t give you a giggle,
    nothing will.
    river recently posted..I have a complaint….

  • Oh dude. I am right there with you. Like you, I’ve seen it coming for a while but it was like a train I couldn’t get out of the way of. Then last night something (specific, that I won’t mention as it involved one of my kids) pushed me over the edge and now I’ve got the “I don’t want to live like this” mantra running through my head. Just keep telling myself it will pass; it always does. But meanwhile I could really go for a little medically induced coma right about now. Just wake me when it’s over, you know?
    Kathy recently posted..Purple haze

    • I have been avoiding all coverage of September 11 coverage – just too sad, too ‘much’, also some of it seemed too commercial/invasive/shmultzy – in part because I knew my head was not in a good way. Exactly like the train whose path you can not avoid.
      And then, last night, when the mood was low I took my eye off the game and watched the documentary, Rebirth.
      And that was it. The pit opened and in I fell.

      • Oh God yes, I couldn’t look at any of it. And everytime someone posted what they had been doing/feeling 10 years ago in their facebook status or on their blog, it made me irrationally angry. I am really no fit company right now.
        Kathy recently posted..Purple haze

        • OH dude, you and I should just hunker down together.

  • sending love, A.
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  • You described so perfectly how I feel at times. That slamming in the guts, when I just want slide down the wall onto the kitchen tiles and not get up. I have no idea how/why to keep going at those moments. But then I do. There is no choice. The kids will invariably scream at each other or need their bum wiped or demand something or other. I hate keeping going just for that. I wish there was another reason.

    Hugs, Kim. Knowing you’re there is step one. Knowing it will pass is step 2. Step 3 is just getting through each horrid minute…