I must say I kinda hit the ground hard after not getting beyond the Kidspot Top 50. Dumb stupid pride had me at least getting into the Top 5.
I felt it keenly and then took stock. And then stepped back.
It is the danger of this place – of, indeed, the all consuming nature of the online community in which we each seek whatever it is we seek.
What started as a desire just to get all the words, all the noise out of my head gently morphed into a desire to have a record of my life, of those early parenting years and a catalogue of the antics of my beautiful boys.
And then people started reading it – and commenting and well, fast forward a couple more kids a hellacious rollercoaster ride of a life and those ‘people’ became friends. The likes of Eleanor, Duyvken, Mary, Fifi, Fe, Suzie, Badger, BabelBabe, Blackbird, Paola and Joke. My posse. They have been beside me for – wow – more than six years. Some of them live, blessedly, at least in the same country as me but the others – well, one day…
In the last few months that posse has become more of a mob – and what a delightful, outrageous, loud, caring and funny mob it is.
The flip-side of that has been a sense of finally ‘getting somewhere’ with allconsuming. The recognition, the acknowledgement of my writing, the inclusion in top this and finalist that.
Who am I kidding I love that shit.
So I guess that’s why I felt it so keenly when I didn’t make the final cut. The final cut to get to drive around a bloody car (ok, a clean car, with fancy bells and whistles, did I mention clean?) and write about it.
And that’s when I whacked myself around the head with a cold fish.
What do I want from my blog? Why do I do it? Because I have to – yeah yeah, we get that.
Because I want a profile.
Because I do want to be known as a bloody good read. Somewhere you can ponder whether Bear Grylls really would be good at muff-diving while also getting insights into parenting boys and managing depression and mood issues and finding something yummy to cook and what it is to be doing your best to raise four boys into fine men.
Because I want to be an authority god damn it.
And you know what? Being selected as someone to drive a car for a month, write about it, thereby promoting the car is perhaps not the best way to go about that. But that is a moot point. I mean, how fucking cool would it be to be given a brand spanking new car to drive around for a month.
I know it has a lot to do with my nature but there is also that compelling aspect to being a part of an online community that sucks you in, pulling you away from the everyday and warping your sense of reality and muddying your priorities.
So I realised I needed – once again – to just back the fuck away and do some more tangible things than seek the love and adoration of strangers. Although that will always be a compunction of mine. Such is my want.
So I’ve been doing a bit of crochet.
I’ve started a new quilt which I am determined to do some hand quilting on. I had intended to keep it for us and may indeed do so but I also have someone in mind for it, depending on just how passable the hand quilting is.
I’ve been doing some baking.
Hanging with the kids.
On Friday I headed over to Calico & Ivy in Balmain with one of my bridesmaids, the lovely L, where we chatted away for hours with Sarah, drank tea, chose yarn and fabric and well, just soaked up the joy that is friendship and a common interest. Then we did sushi. Divine.
The weekend did not kick my arse – remarkable considering the red ninja arrived. The boys and I actually had a great weekend.
We FINALLY got to special needs soccer on Saturday afternoon for Oscar – I had been putting it off, dreading it even (a hangover from doing this years ago and it just being a monumental drag, which it probably wasn’t). Of course it was so much fun and a delight to reconnect with a family we had not seen in years. Their son is at school with Oscar and well, when we arrived he came tearing across to us, screaming Oscar’s name and giving him the hugest hug. The MAIN reason we wanted Oscar at his School of Awesome was for friendship and here it was, loud, bold, excited and genuine.
AND, the brother of Oscar’s friend? The same age as Felix. The two of them went off CLIMBING FUCKING TREES and just doing whatever it is 11 year old boys who’ve never met before do to just become instant friends. He came up to Felix when we were all leaving and said thanks, that he had a really good afternoon.
Sunday was footy for Felix on the most glorious winter’s day, then afternoon tea at the in-laws.
It was the first time I’d seen my MIL in more than two weeks due to her starting chemo and me coughing up a lung. Her hair has started falling out hand over fist. It is alarming. Confronting. She is dealing with it with the grace and good humour (and occasional tear) as she has every other challenge that our family has faced.
Funny how things like this make your realise how much you adore these people and the merest hint they could not be a part of your everyday makes it so difficult for you to breath you can’t push the thought out of your mind fast enough. She will make a full recovery. She will. But the road there is no less daunting.
Chef is now on two weeks holidays before starting his new job. We’ve been together 20 years next month and well, I just love him is all.
He and I head to Melbourne this Friday. We are both beside ourselves with excitement. It’s going to be fucking freezing. There’s going to be so much eating. So much footy. We’re going to watch the Carlton boys train. Apparently there’s also going to be so much sex but Chef seems to be forgetting he’s almost an old man so he SHOULD be calming down in that department. God help me.
He’ll be 40 next Friday. Old.Man.
So there you have it. I didn’t win a fancy car for a month. But I have so much more.
I love youse all.