If I was married to Bear Grylls

Scene: Stunning kitchen in country manorhouse

Me: Oh, Brian, you’re home!

B: Bear, my love, call me BEAR!

Me: Come now Brian, you’re home now. The cameras aren’t rolling. We have readily available potable running water – in hot and cold! There is heating we work simply by flicking a switch. Look! (turning on stove top) We have fire! At home you are Brian. You always will be Brian.

B: But I have to stay in the zone my love. Have to have my wits about me.

Me: rolls eyes.

Later that day

Me: (calling out window to Brian in the backyard) BRIAN – use the toilet FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

Later that day

Me: (walking past Brian and the fishtank) BRIAN – put the goldfish BACK IN THE WATER.

B: (waits for me to walk past then spits fish back into tank)

Me: (to self) what an idiot.

Even later that day

Me: (walking into living room, find Brian rubbing sticks together on the good rug) BRIAN – the firelighters are in the woodbox. NEXT TO THE MATCHES.

Fast forward to dinner

Cue inane conversations with children about what they did at school today ‘nothing’, what was the most fun ‘playing’, what was the most challenging, ‘nothing’, how was their teacher, ‘good’, did anyone get in trouble, ‘nuh’.

Me: BRIAN! Use your cutlery.

B: (drops piece of sirloin back to plate) (Sulks)

Fast forward to later that night, the bedroom

Me: (recovering from night of incredible sex with multiple orgasms and sensational oral sex)

B: Call me Bear.

Me: OK.

 

I mean, why else would any woman put up with living with such a knob?

 

 

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