If I was married to Bear Grylls

Scene: Stunning kitchen in country manorhouse

Me: Oh, Brian, you’re home!

B: Bear, my love, call me BEAR!

Me: Come now Brian, you’re home now. The cameras aren’t rolling. We have readily available potable running water – in hot and cold! There is heating we work simply by flicking a switch. Look! (turning on stove top) We have fire! At home you are Brian. You always will be Brian.

B: But I have to stay in the zone my love. Have to have my wits about me.

Me: rolls eyes.

Later that day

Me: (calling out window to Brian in the backyard) BRIAN – use the toilet FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

Later that day

Me: (walking past Brian and the fishtank) BRIAN – put the goldfish BACK IN THE WATER.

B: (waits for me to walk past then spits fish back into tank)

Me: (to self) what an idiot.

Even later that day

Me: (walking into living room, find Brian rubbing sticks together on the good rug) BRIAN – the firelighters are in the woodbox. NEXT TO THE MATCHES.

Fast forward to dinner

Cue inane conversations with children about what they did at school today ‘nothing’, what was the most fun ‘playing’, what was the most challenging, ‘nothing’, how was their teacher, ‘good’, did anyone get in trouble, ‘nuh’.

Me: BRIAN! Use your cutlery.

B: (drops piece of sirloin back to plate) (Sulks)

Fast forward to later that night, the bedroom

Me: (recovering from night of incredible sex with multiple orgasms and sensational oral sex)

B: Call me Bear.

Me: OK.

 

I mean, why else would any woman put up with living with such a knob?

 

 

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  • Wasn’t his real name Edward? And he changed it to Bear. We’ve been watching him recently and although i do find him OTT there is something about a man who could take care of you in any situation and i mean ANY situation 😉

  • Amy

    PMSL

    I can’t stand that bloke. The ep where he gave himself an enema on a life raft was just to much for me.

  • Sorry – total knob – he would have to comentate the whole sex event. ” right now I am going where no man has gone before – this is a terrifying situation… cut ! start over…..
    Oh and in case you missed it TOTAL KNOB !
    jodie recently posted..Whats the time

    • Duly noted – and corrected.
      And you are so RIGHT. Goddammit. There is NOTHING redeeming. NOTHING.

  • Fi

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha!! That is too funny!

    I think I have watched about 5 minutes of that show (don’t even know what it’s called!) and it involved a skunk & him doing something foul to it & that was it – switched off! Don’t care how hot he supposedly is, or how modern day McGyver he is gross. I wouldn’t let that mouth anywhere near me!!
    Fi recently posted..My first ever guest post!!

  • trash

    Apparently he was a virgin when he got married so if you get multiple uber-orgasms out of the deal then there must be something worth learning in al that bushcraft/lore schtick.

    Oh and – waaaaaaaaaaay better than Ray Mears, don’tcha think?

    • See that is endearing. I just don’t see why he had to create such a wanker of a character. It’s such a shame!

  • Leanne

    At our house that show is called “W**ker in the Wild”, and that’s all I’ll say about that!

  • Anti-bogan

    A typical bored house wife blog. It’s a shame all you people in Australia have made brain dead morons like McFadden, Vile Kyle and neighbors stars popular. At least Mr grylls has served his country, is not sitting behind a computer being a keyboard warrior, doesn’t show boat around like half the D grade celebrities in Australia. You had your own version with Steve Irwin, however, it don’t see him copping grief for holding his young child in front of a crocodile.

    Typical Aussie attitude of knocking down the tall poppy. Good luck to bear for creating something new, and exciting to some, and not just the brain dead drivel dished out by vile Kyle etc. You guys obviously don’t have any sense of adventure outside of the kitchen! Keep up the recipe blogs

  • Ahahahahahahaha.
    Excellent.
    blackbird recently posted..seen last weekend

  • Love this post, made me laugh out loud this morning! However, its not really something I want to think about… I can’t handle how he is constantly peeing on himself. One episode I saw, he peed on his t-shirt and wrapped it around his head then later he used the same t-shirt to filter water to drink. Eugh.
    Super Sarah recently posted..Penthouse party

    • Oh that is gross. GROSS. The final nail in the coffin for me was one of the very first episodes where he tore the head off a fish w/ his teeth (or some such) and then ate this raw fish and THEN lit the fire. I mean, FFS.

  • 🙂 I skip on Bear too. I reckon anyone that annoying would be too intent on appearances to take note of what was actually happening in the bed…
    rakster recently posted..Beach Escape- Bliss

  • I’m happy to admit that I’ve never watched his show and have no intention of starting. I’ve heard he’s very resourceful, but that’s not enough reason for me to tune in and I certainly wouldn’t want him anywhere near me or my house.
    river recently posted..Will I Wont I Yes- I will

  • Well, I might be in the minority of commentors here, since I do actually watch the show sometimes. But I have to say I don’t think that Brian and his wife would make it to the bedroom – wouldn’t he want to build an uncomfortable looking hammock in the backyard?
    Saw a new one – Man Woman Wild – last night which I think you’d better watch because it will make you scream louder than Bear Grylls does.
    Catherine recently posted..weekend exploring

    • Well dude if we’re going to start critiquing pornos…

  • Paola

    I have no idea who you’re talking about yet couldn’t stop laughing.

  • Tenille @ Help!Mum

    Well you’d hope so, there’d have to be at least one stellar redeeming feature, but I can’t really see it myself. He’d probably give a running commentary.
    Tenille @ Help!Mum recently posted..Chai Spiced Apple Muffins

    • *snort* can you imagine! ‘And here I go, as the tension builds I must make this final step work…nomnomnom’

      What? too much.