What are your greatest fears?
Those whisperings that come into your thoughts when you least expect it, that make you catch your breath.
The things that on a good day you simply dismiss but on a bad day pull you in until your brain is spinning and the world around you suddenly seems too tight, too bright, too hot. All wrong.
One of mine is that we will always be this broke. And the spiral of that is everything you can imagine plus so much more – that we will never live in the house I dream about, we will never travel, that I will not be able to give the boys the life I wanted to give them. That I will never be able to buy this season’s new shoes or clothes without it causing severe strain on the bank account, that I will never be able to buy brand name clothes or shoes again. That the boys will grow up so obsessed about money they will put unhealthy emphasis on financial security over more important things when they are adults. That even if we did have more money we’d still be skint because maybe we’re just not good with money and that I’ll never have the engagement ring I always wanted and on and on it goes.
Isn’t that just the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard. I’m not going to give oxygen to the others for fear they will truly reveal just how shallow I am.
But it got me thinking. All the day to day worries about your kids and your partner and your parents and yourself are just par for the course. It’s the ones that hover in the shadows that are the ones that strike you down.
I think it’s about threat of broken dreams. That by your life not being the one you imagined when you had no responsibility and indeed the entire frontal lobe of your brain (and therefore the ability for long term rational thinking) had not even developed you have somehow failed.
I’m currently practising a technique for when these ghostly ominous creatures loom over me where I turn, look at them and say, you are not helping. And to then turn my mind to something I can control and implement. Incredulously this does work.
So I want to know, what scares you the most? There is no way I can be the only one who has such demons. Surely.
I should point out that this money fear is the irrational one in the shadows – that I can see it for its superficial core.
Not having money can, in some ways, be a blessing. Your life is stripped back to what is really important – your attitude and your relationships. I have four fabulous boys (oh sure, they have their moments, but who doesn’t!) and a marriage I treasure and have worked incredibly hard on.
That’s the point for me – that one of my deepest fears is so freakin’ superficial.