The great unspoken

What are your greatest fears?

Those whisperings that come into your thoughts when you least expect it, that make you catch your breath.

The things that on a good day you simply dismiss but on a bad day pull you in until your brain is spinning and the world around you suddenly seems too tight, too bright, too hot. All wrong.

One of mine is that we will always be this broke. And the spiral of that is everything you can imagine plus so much more – that we will never live in the house I dream about, we will never travel, that I will not be able to give the boys the life I wanted to give them. That I will never be able to buy this season’s new shoes or clothes without it causing severe strain on the bank account, that I will never be able to buy brand name clothes or shoes again. That the boys will grow up so obsessed about money they will put unhealthy emphasis on financial security over more important things when they are adults. That even if we did have more money we’d still be skint because maybe we’re just not good with money and that I’ll never have the engagement ring I always wanted and on and on it goes.

Isn’t that just the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard. I’m not going to give oxygen to the others for fear they will truly reveal just how shallow I am.


But it got me thinking. All the day to day worries about your kids and your partner and your parents and yourself are just par for the course. It’s the ones that hover in the shadows that are the ones that strike you down.

I think it’s about threat of broken dreams. That by your life not being the one you imagined when you had no responsibility and indeed the entire frontal lobe of your brain (and therefore the ability for long term rational thinking) had not even developed you have somehow failed.


I’m currently¬†practising¬†a technique for when these ghostly ominous creatures loom over me where I turn, look at them and say, you are not helping. And to then turn my mind to something I can control and implement. Incredulously this does work.


So I want to know, what scares you the most? There is no way I can be the only one who has such demons. Surely.





I should point out that this money fear is the irrational one in the shadows – that I can see it for its superficial core.

Not having money can, in some ways, be a blessing. Your life is stripped back to what is really important – your attitude and your relationships. I have four fabulous boys (oh sure, they have their moments, but who doesn’t!) and a marriage I treasure and have worked incredibly hard on.

That’s the point for me – that one of my deepest fears is so freakin’ superficial.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
  • Death Itself scares the utter shit out of me.

    I’m not sure about loss of dreams in life … I never had any expectations in life. That’s how close to the bone I travelled.

    Love this – “.. turn to them and say – you are not helping.”

    Might give it a go.
    edenland recently posted..Easter of Eden

    • But dude, once you’re dead, you’re dead. So, you know, you wouldn’t even know about it.

  • Being left behind. In every way. Scares me shitless.

    Lucy recently posted..Wiid off

  • See, what ALSO scares me is huntsman spiders. Like BAAAAD. Dave says I attract them to myself, like, you create what you fear type thing. I fear Dave is just being an arsehole.
    edenland recently posted..Easter of Eden

    • yeah, I’m totally with you on that score – in this particular instance. That’s like saying I attract humidity and hot weather because I hate it. Um, no. I think the moon and tides have more to do with that. Like the weather and the fact you live in the GODDAMN bush would bring in more huntsmans.

  • I can’t even type it out.
    You’re very brave.
    When I get to where you are when you wrote this I work hard to remember what I have – and it’s quite a lot.

    I know you know.
    blackbird recently posted..words and pictures

    • Exactly. I know what I’ve got is worth so much more than money. But OH to buy nice things just for the hell of it, when I want to.

  • Paola

    I am too pessimistic so I won’t answer. I live my life trying to avoid my demons, they’re always there, all the time.

  • Stephanie Deck

    I am terrified of my house catching fire and not being able to get the kids out. I spend most nights lying awake worrying about it. We have 9 smoke alarms (excessive, yes), a ladder to get out of the loft, and an escape plan. But it does my head in.

  • I know exactly what you mean with the financial insecurity thing.

    It’s not an irrational thing to fear. It’s the stuff that life is made of. Sad, but true.
    Frogdancer recently posted..Report on America

  • Esse Devi

    Oooh, you have expressed that so well that now I am feeling it.
    We have lived in budget land for soooo long. I no longer even crave brand names. My daughter doesn’t really understand what they are. But next June, it will be all over!!
    My fears, are of losing the people I love. Overwhelming, deep, paralysing fear. I still have both parents and my sister. However, losing 8 pregnancies twisted me a little and I am a teeny bit over protective of the living child and the hubby. And having to face losing a beloved cousin in law in the next week or so, to an idiot in a car hitting her bike.
    Scary post. *hugs* I hope you get out of this zone and until then enjoy all the things that can be done on a budget. Many favourite childhood memories are in my play clothes down at the local park!

    • That strikes me as a remarkably understandable.

  • Such an accurate description of the mental state of finances. I see money as freedom, to do all the cultural, traveling, life experiencing things I can, bringing along family and friends…and here I am using all the thrifty things I can think of to survive. Great! being an educated poor person is a challenge which I don’t need.

    but, every now and then, like you I get a ticket or a gift and I cherish and delight and tear up a bit just at the generosity of others and how much it means to me.

    It’s a shit not having money but it does make you look at the quality of your relationships instead.. and how you can’t buy the love with money.
    Catriona recently posted..Hoppy Easter

  • dancingmorganmouse

    Getting lost.
    Being lost.
    Not knowing exactly where I am or how to get away/home.
    The stuff of nightmares.

  • Stacey Joyce

    You express it so well. My fears are not financal fears though we live week to week. Mine are about my children and their future happiness. Not a materialistic happiness or whether they will have all their hearts desires but whether they will be happy on the inside with who they are and where they are. I try so hard to express the joys of life with out all the objects we all crave but to create our own happiness which in todays society is soooooo hard to find.
    I am terrified at seeing my children grow up angry at the world for not giving them what they think they deserve which is what I see in people everyday. We live such a privileged life, full of colour, joy and love.
    It sounds so silly to worry over something that will happen many years away (my oldest of 4 is only 6years old) but sometimes I look at them and a lump sits in my throat and I wonder how it will work out. Perhaps its a greater fear of failing my children that I have hmmm I suspect it is.
    Anyway thank you and it is important to hear others voice on this matter.

  • I have the exact same always being broke fear. Not at all superficial. I’m older now and can’t work full time because of physical problems. I never earned much (nor saved), now my income is about half what it was, while everything else, including my rent, has increased. still, I reckon when the world economy collapses and everyone is truly broke, I’ll be ahead because I know how to manage on very little.
    river recently posted..this is who I am

  • The only thing I am NOT frightened of is dying. Which therefore includes spiders and sharks and all that palaver.

    Everything else scares me shitless.
    Money. Children. My dysfunctional family. Obsessiveness. Memory. People. Racism. Politics. My craziness.

    I lie awake.

  • I always thought I was not afraid of anything. Not sharks not spiders not dying.

    But I am on fact scared shitless of peoPle.
    Of racism, of meanness, of stupidity, of bigotry. Everything.

    I lie awake.

  • And of my own deteriorating brain
    Fifi recently posted..In which the fish greets Easter Sunday

  • Fears are shitty things to deal with. I fear looking back on my life and seeing regrets. And dying alone. They’re intertwined and a tangled mess, and dealing with them is kind of a scary thing in itself.
    Tenille @ Help!Mum recently posted..Making Room For Mum

  • trash

    I see your superficial fear and I raise you. I worry about my son’s life partner/wife/significant other. What if she(he) is a witch and splits him away from his family? I understand I have no control over this but none the less it is often on my mind.

    By the way… did I mention my son is only nine?

  • losing one of my kids, they are the most treasured thing in my life and even writing it down scares me.
    corrie recently posted..its all happening