I love the smell of armpit in the morning

So I knew all this herbal shit would turn around and bite me on the arse. Or armpit as the case might be.
Last week this weird, painful lump arrived in my left armpit. Naturally I presumed cancer. I mean, why ponder reality when you can live drama!

But over the weekend my one painful lump grew to about six agonising unable-to-rest-my-arm-at-a-natural-angle mounds of anger.

I know, it’s all Chenille’s Institute de Beaute around here. My wordy lordy yes it is.

It meant I could no longer ignore the phone calls from my GP to come in and discuss the results of my ultrasounds and CT scans from my last bout of seriously feel like I’m turning into a hypochondriacitis.

1. I have a bulging disc in my back with the swelling pressing onto my spinal chord. This is remarkably common and no surprise considering I am the woman who lives in the shoe but if I don’t deal with it surgery will be necessary. Noted.

2. I have blocked infected sebaceous cysts under my arm. I’ll give those of you in different time zones some time to go clean up your breakfast you just brought up.

Back? OK. This is also remarkably common and not necessarily caused by my new wonder-homemade deodorant but maybe. So now, no deodorant whatsoever. Yes, that malodorous mass that is emanating from Sydney’s Northern Beaches is my undeodorised armpit.

As my GP said, just because it is all natural does not mean it can not have inflammatory results. When I told him what was in the magical you-still-sweat-but-do-not-smell wonder-deodoriser he was all ‘you could probably make a bomb from those ingredients’. I know, medical advice and a sense of humour. The guy is a legend.

This all followed my bursting into tears on him and basically filling his room with verbal garbage filling my being at the moment about imminent hot weather + me pushing maximum density + no clothing that fits. When I relayed the hardwired messages I tell myself that are so very unhelpful he said, ‘you realise what you just described was exactly the conversation I have with myself and I thought for a moment you were reading my mind’. Bless him.

The upshot of all this?  Antibiotics. (aka hello urinary tract infection my old friend) and cutting myself some slack and starting on some very small goals that are not weight loss related but health and wellbeing orientated.

So tomorrow my inlaws are having Grover so after I offload him I’ll be heading to the pool for some laps.

Keep an eye on the evening news for the first drowning of Spring.


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