Putting the boot in

This week I’ve bee marvelling at my resilience, reflecting on this year and how well we have all come through it.

Let’s recap for the cheap seats shall we?
– Mum’s second hip replacement in February which revealed a lesion on her first hip replacement.
– Having two bulging discs in my lower back
– Oscar’s bilateral foot surgery and recovery
– Chef being fired
– Chef getting a new awesome job and a wickedly good place but taking a more-than-substantial pay cut
– Mum falling over on one of the ramps we’d installed for Oscar and being rushed to hospital
– Dad having arthroscopes on both knees and then a knee replacement
– Researching high school options for Oscar and the wait on hearing if we were successful in our first choice
– My inlaws being overseas for six weeks
– Chef having a motorcycle accident
– Mum dislocating her hip and requiring emergency surgery to complete a revision (ie a replacement of a replacement)
– My inlaws going away for three weeks

and then I realised that perhaps I wasn’t coming through all this as unscathed as I had thought:
– the lower back is still not tickety boo, with pain often shooting down my legs or banding around my lower abdomen
– the return of acne break-outs to rival my teenage years
– a complete inability to stick to any weight-loss related activity
– painful big toes my GP suspects is early stages of arthritis
– suspect hernia (which it isn’t but most likely referred pain from the lower back)
– the rearing of the ugly head of mood disorder issues (remarkable curtailed by the introduction of Team Berry)

and more recently
– inexplicable chronically painful left ankle with pains shooting down my foot and up my leg all the way to the hip on a fairly constant basis
– an incredibly painful lump in my left underarm which over the weekend multiplied to about six incredibly painful lumps under my left arm. I tried to squeeze one last night and almost passed out from the pain. Idiot.
– a rising anxiety about the onset of warmer weather (no really, I’m having heart palpitations about it. Seriously.)

I had a whinge to Mum today which, granted, was particularly selfish considering she’s recovering from major major surgery and trapped in a rehab hospital and has just missed out on going to Europe but she responded as only a mother can.

You see, apparently, if I could just lose 10 kilos I would feel so much better.

Because my mother said it of course I didn’t say, ‘no, actually, I think a lot of this is stress-related’ I just fell even further into the hole of ‘oh dear GOD I am so huge and physically repulsive’.

She suggested I could put the whole family on a diet and make it a project! Like making a quilt! Or crocheting a rug! Come on guys! Let’s all diet! Together!

You know and I know that on a level she is absolutely bang on the money. To lose weight I need to stop shovelling food into my mouth as a comfort and counter-weight to the stress in my life. To lose weight I need to get off my arse and start moving more. Doing both these things would improve my fitness, my waistline and my mental health.

But it just hurts to have someone say it out loud.

OH OH OH – and tonight, just as this fug was well and truly descending on my head, I realised a whole section of one of my molars was missing. Awesome. Dental work.
Cue: head hitting table.

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  • kim at allconsuming

    Does anyone else see it as deeply ironic that there's an ad for Cadbury's on my blog at the moment…

  • •´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´•

    Yes …carry on !

    I just bought that cadbury choc today it better taste good …

    I am getting thise spreets emails too I think for the restaurants.

    I'm sorry you have had such a cr@ppy time of things, hope all of this passes real quickly.

    My word verification was blessa ..
    bless you !!

  • Fe

    Oh I am SO with you.

    Meds and thyroid etc etc etc have caused my weight to creep further and further up to the "oh no" end of the scale.

    And yesterday my lower back went. I have been in screaming agony ever since.

    And my mum "suggested" that it's all because of the extra weight (which is living on my tummy… blast it).

    I know she's right, but it just hurts so much to hear it.

    Hey …. maybe we can meet in the middle for some walking exercise together. Because we want to… not because our mothers' have suggested it ;). It would do my spirit no end of good to spend some time with you .


  • Jenny C ( @jayjaycee1 )

    Oh…what a time you've had this year. And as a sufferer of a binge-eating disorder, I can relate to many things you said. But when mothers weigh in to the mix (if you'll excuse the pun) all sorts of triggers go off!
    Yes. when someone says it out loud it sparks off all sorts of shame-related thinking. I am right there with you.
    I don't try and fix my self-repulsion (rooted in my body image). It's a feeling and a belief. The feeling, as intense and as painful as it is, I know is transient. Just like cravings. I am learning to cope. You will too. I think we do things best when we learn to be in the moment – something our children are masters of.
    Considering the stress you've been under, I am not surprised you are struggling! I think you are doing an amazing job. And thanks, for sharing, for being vulnerable.

  • BabelBabe

    don't stress more about losing weight. i think of my gym time as something else altogether – think about how nice it was to go swim, to have that time to yourself to think and not think, and how great you felt after. don't put it out as a weight-loss thing. try to find the time to do it for you, for the other benefits. and whether your mum is right or wrong, she could have been more tactful. why do our families always assume they can say whatever they like to us?

  • rachelmp

    What a year! The tooth bit would have scared me (dentist and cost). All family on a diet – let us know how it works out… I've started going to the gym and fitting that around work and kids is tricky too.

  • Anna Bartlett

    my mother tells me I need to lose 25 kilos. and she's right too. it's a bugger.
    i hear you, and hope that 'things looking up again' is around the corner soon!

  • Paola

    I don't see the Cadbury ad here but I did notice the "you might also like: apple and buttermilk fritters"!
    You had an amazing year, full of scary stuff and yet here we are, it's all passed and much better. We all seem to be in the same boat (overweight) and although my mother never told my anything like that, other people do say or, even worse, look at you with THAT look.
    My input for you: you're looking at summer and this season always helps to eat lighter and hopefully lose some of that extra baggage we carry on our hips.

  • Mary

    I know that chewing mylanta tablets at night to avoid hideous heartburn is weight related. But am I out walking right now in the hour before the kids wake? No. Reading blogs instead. I sometimes wish someone could turn the switch on for me that would ensure I stay motivated.

    Love to you..xxx

  • Jodie

    Onward Kim ! I too am dreading the warmer weather…dreading !
    We all know we feel better when we lose weight, its just so friggin hard to do it…like we all need another thing on the to-do list.

    I need a pedal-pwered sewing machine!

  • blackbird

    Fret not.
    This too shall pass.

  • Elizabeth

    It’s a Mother thing… there wasn’t any crisis in my or my sisters life that couldn’t be fixed by us dropping 5kg. My darling Mum died when I was 21 and I then put on about 30kg… you don’t have to be Freud to work that one out.
    I agree with your other commenter’s that if you view exercise as time for yourself… it makes you much more inclined to do it (and eventually you will crave it cos it feels so good).
    Ill leave you with some other Mother words…
    "Chin Up Ducky".

  • Duyvken

    Sending love!
    And I don't have a cadbury ad, I see a note for Urgent Hip Recall Info 🙂

  • Duyvken

    oooh, now I see the choc ad.
    Mmmm, cadburys.

  • Janet

    Kim, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I reckon your mum is wrong (although well intentioned)and dieting is a bad idea at this point. Apart from the depressing thing that our bodies do when we stop dieting, and resets our base weight forever higher, perhaps you are comfort eating to some degree because, um you need comfort? And I have to ask myself, why do I and many other women feel bad about this?

    When I feel glum about being fat, I read this blog http://www.fatnutritionist.com/index.php/getting-good-at-eating/. She cheers me up every time. My gorgeous doctor also says that being overweight is actually not as unhealthy as being inactive and that instead of dieting I should be focussing on getting exercise/activity when I can (he is also realistic about time for exercise, bless him). Much more happy making.

    You've had a big year, and I think you do an amazing job.

  • peskypixies

    oh hon,
    I hear you on many counts!!

    can you go swimming again.????
    I remembering you doing that last year/summer and how much you enjoyed it??

    considering all you have had to deal with…….I think you are doing amazingly well.

    more hugs

  • Corrie

    oh kim but you make it so entertaining for us!

    and only our mums can tell us to lose weight! oh and my grandma's! but in my family you can never win – overweight and they'll tell you – wearing your skinny jeans and feeling good and they tell you to eat more!

    hang in there – that is funny about the cadbury's ad though!


  • jac

    It's always easiest to solve someone else's problems… it's like that urge to clean out someone else's handbag or clean off their bathroom vanity because it would be SO! EASY! and make everything so much better! Conveniently forgetting, of course, the state of your own bathroom and/or handbag. Or perhaps I have issues. Either way.

  • Leanne Scrapper

    @ jac – please feel free to pop over to my place and clean anything you like! Please…

    I love Mum's, no really! Mine, after I was struggling to fit anything that wasn't a maternity outfit a week after I delivered my 10lb 1oz baby girl, advised me that she 'wore her normal clothes home from the hospital!' – yeah – well I was a bouncing bundle of 6lb nothing – I love her, I do – thank god she lives in another country.

    So glad you are going swimming again, my 'healthy pleasure that pleases me' is Zumba! Stop laughing…