It’s taken 37 years

but tonight I discovered I.HAVE.NITS.

Felix had been complaining of an itchy head since last week but Felix complains about a lot of things so I scratched his head to pretend I cared and moved on. He said tonight his head was still itchy so I took a closer look and thought to myself, ‘so that’s what lice eggs look like’.

I gave him a #3 buzz cut.
I smothered his head in conditioner and then fine-tooth-combed it.

I checked Jasper’s head and thought to myself, ‘so wow, this is really happening. That’s what lice eggs look like’.

I gave him a #3 buzz cut
I smothered his head in conditioner and then fine-tooth-combed it. 
I didn’t even bother checking Grover’s head.
I gave him a #3 buzz cut
I smothered his head in conditioner and then fine-tooth-combed it. 
Oscar escaped this process due to already being asleep but has a #3 so really, our journey to White Trash seems almost complete. 
By this stage I realised that I too had been itching for a few days. I told myself it was psychosomatic because I am very prone to such things. I remember once talking to a friend about thrush and how I hadn’t had it in an age and then waking up with it the next day. Seriously, it’s a miracle I’m still alive. 
I got mum to check my head but she couldn’t see any eggs or lice. 
She wasn’t wearing her glasses. 
I smothered my head in conditioner anyway.
And fine toothed combed it.
And found a slumbering louse. 
Goddammit. 
My hair is now outrageously fluffy and my children look like criminals but my GOODNESS those little critters are not going to take hold on my watch. 
I am eyeing all memories suspiciously as to where the hell they’ve come from. 
So five beds have been stripped and remade, eleventy gagillion towels gathered up and the washing pile never looked so menacing. If I had half a chance I’d probably dose the lot with kero and have a little bonfire in the backyard. 
Lice! Can you fucking believe it.
Onward!