What can I tell ya

The back? Is farked.
Apparently I’ve got a bulging disc.
I told Miami Vice Guy (aka physio) how I found that deeply ironic.
He asked how so.
I pointed out that everything else on my body was bulging so clearly my vertebrae thought they’d get in on the act.
He said that yes, carrying excess weight did make me more likely to suffer back pain.
I just buried my head into the table. I mean, what else was there to do.
*****
So my days at the moment are punctuated with me lying on the floor or bed, on my stomach, my upper body on several pillows in some pathetic nod to an upward dog or baying moon or sunrise spring or some other stupid yoga pose. Always hated yoga.
Here’s the thing.
Apparently if I do this for 20 minutes 8 times a day, don’t drive, don’t sit, don’t life and do minimal bending (in a true aerobic guaranteed to make you fart squat fashion) I should be markedly better by the weekend/beginning of next week.
Just in time to sit for hours beside a hospital bed and sleep in a hospital cot bed.
*****
Miami Vice Guy was recommended to me by Sadieandlance who bulged her disc a few years back and well, now I owe her.
I mean, on Monday morning I could barely lift my feet off the floor and after he saw me first thing on Monday morning (I KNOW) I could at least walk.
I am being so vigilant in my no driving, no lifting, no sitting, bay to the moon stretching that while I still have searing pain through my lower back and down the front of my thighs I can at least move around and not cry out in pain at the slightest of movement.
But riddle me this interwebettes, what is it with these amazing therapist types and their penchant for just being downright kooky?
Miami Vice Guy clearly decided that the windblown pouffant do which is basically a mullet in a wind tunnel and colourful very crisply ironed collared shirts with just one too many buttons undone was his look.
And if he has the power to make me walk without pain then who am I to quibble.
But I bet, I BET you all have some kooky quirky medical professional too – go on, share.
*****
You know something else? When you’re not really allowed or capable of doing anything or going anywhere, there’s really not much to talk about.

Onward!

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  • trash

    My old doctor was Dr. Daddy. She was a fabulous doctor but it always felt a little weird when addressing her. Oh and local goss has it that one of the terribly well-respected (and really quite unattractive) doctors in our local practice is a swinger.

  • SadieandLance

    What can I say, your Miami Vice guy is my Miami Vice guy. And that pillow thing? It worked a treat for me. I wasn't so happy about the exercises. I pretended to do them for a bit.

  • kim at allconsuming

    Dr Daddy and a swinger! That is AWESOME!

    S&L – the pillow thing is definitely working. I haven't got exercises yet, i suspect I will do them infrequently and with the gay abandon I generally treat my health with.

    Thank you once again for sending me to Miami Vice Guy, he's a legend.

  • Paola

    This blog has taken a slight naughty turn lately, but hey … you started it with that vid. Now it's Dr. Daddy and Dr. Swinger here …

  • kurrabikid

    Geez, I don't think I can top Dr Daddy and the swinger…

  • Fe

    When you started talking about your back, I had to turn away before my own back went out in empathy.

    I had a bulging disc for the first time about 3 years ago, and then again last year. Oh sweetie, I remember the pain like it was yesterday.

    My GP suggested steroid injections straight into the disc, but I just couldn't go there.

    I took copious amounts of Panadeine Forte and Valium, bed rest (yeah right HAR!) and it VERY slowly but surely got better.

    Wish I'd known about Miami Vice guy. Remind me to get his details if it ever happens again.

    IN the meantime… Can I help? I'd be too embarrassed to bring my own cooked food into your house, but I could do a supermarket shop for you? Just email me.

    xoxoxox

  • Elizabeth

    I have a sore neck at the mo so I can sort of relate to being miserable and in pain (and lovin nurofen plus).
    The little old lady I go to for Bowen Therapy (for the above mentioned stuffed neck) seems so sweet and is probably about 70… but she can drop the f bomb like nobody’s business. It’s hilarious as she obviously enjoys her potty mouth.
    Hope the back gets better soon.

  • Duyvken

    I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Mr Duyvken recently had a bulging disc at the top of his spine and could barely move his neck at all. Quite painful for him and quite amusing for the rest of us. Turns out he needs a heel lift to make his legs the same length and that will slowly correct his tilted/rotated pelvis and realign his spine. They couldn't fix the disc though so he hadsome Blackmores prescription thing to calcify the disc. Within a couple of weeks of treatment he was feeling 100% better. Stick to it!! xo

  • Anonymous

    I know you might hate the yoga, but, (and I'm *somewhat* athletic and also deal with depression), it can do all kinds of good for your spirits, not just your spine. Give it a worthwhile try. It's done wonders for my ass and my temper.

    J

  • vontrapped

    I had a GP called Dr White. Always made me laugh as a 12 year old because it was the name of the only available sanitary towel!
    Backs are totally shite when they go wrong but I think you're on to something with the pillows. I always put mine under my stomach to accomodate my voluptuous bosom …but don't fall asleep, it'll leave you with a pain in your neck!

  • Janet

    Oi, our doctors are only kooky in ways I don't notice anymore. Although my ex-psychiatrist had long lank hair and used to pop out between appointments for a fag. Come to think of it she was a pretty strange fish.

    If you were in Melbourne, I'd try to track down this miracle worker I saw for a while who did physio and pilates. It sucked because it was in front of mirrors but by god it worked. I have found yoga great for my back in the past – strengthened my core and did other unexplainable things that just made it better in the longer term.

    Hope it all gets better soon. xj

  • Mrs Woog

    That is what happens Kim when you try and spend quality time with your kids. Have you learnt nothing from me?

    As far as the medical professionals we heave dealt with (the most recent being the Doodle Doctor) I have cleared my schedule next week so expect a response then. XOX