The day that was yesterday and thank God for that

So yesterday was Chef’s first day at his new job and no, I did NOT iron his chef whites because I am allergic to ironing anything let alone someone else’s clothes.

Mum has taken a couple of days off to help me out so she was taking Oscar to speech therapy before school while Felix was going to ride to school.
All of this had played out nicely and I was thinking to myself that the morning had unfolded beautifully when just as I came out of the bathroom I heard the end of a message on the answering machine about buses and waiting and being late and where’s Oscar.
Oscar had a school excursion to the zoo and they were meant to be at school at 8.3oam.
Well people, let’s just say I totally lost my shit. I’m blaming it on the anasthetic and morphine drugs I stopped taking last Friday because I was convinced I was going to become addicted to them and I’m not famous enough yet to get the whole international coverage of my untimely death I would like if such a thing ever did happen.
I rang the school and got the office cow as opposed to the office doe. This only made matters worse.
I found the speechie’s mobile number but of course that was switched off because she.was.in.with.Oscar.
The school had decided it was a good idea to ring me every t.w.o minutes.
Then I found her card with a landline number but that was from her old rooms and I wasn’t sure it was going to be the right number. I rang it regardless and got her – but Mum and Oscar had just left.
She even ran out the front onto the street but couldn’t catch them.
The school still.ringing.me.
Me deciding to try ringing Mum on her mobile even though she never answers it. Ever.
I think I may have tried her number about 12 times.
I was also ringing the teacher organinising the excursion saying I would drive him to the zoo and meet them there. Even though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t meant to be driving. But she wasn’t answering her mobile either. GOD HELP ME.
Mum finally rang me just as the organising teacher rang me – who was far calmer and cool about it than the Office Cow. Oscar had arrived at school and immediately started writing something (I KNOW) on Mum’s car window and crying.
People – just pulling up to school he had remembered it was Monday and he had his school excursion. AND he was WRITING the word ZOO in the air, on mum’s car window, on the dashboard with his finger to try and get the message across. Doesn’t this just rip your heart out of your chest.
SO while all this was unfolding and I’d stumbled upstairs looking to see if ringing mum was even more futile because she’d left her mobile at home and finding clothes for the little fellas – I figured if I took the little fellas and got Oscar then we could go in the transit lane and get there much quicker.
Both the buses had left, I got the two little boys dressed (do you know how hard that is to do without bending or bumping wound sites spread around your ample belly?) grabbed a slice of bread for Grover who hadn’t had anything to eat, tried to hustle Jasper out the door with only one sock on (who I could tell was about to lose his shit but was so thrown by his mother’s absolute anarchic lack of control of her own emotions it was just not worth it), swooshed them into the car, l.i.f.t.e.d. them (so stupid), flew to the school to see my little forlorn man standing there with Mum waiting for me.
And off we sped – Mum had offered to drive but I was so beyond it by then (talk about MEGA over-reaction on my part) I couldn’t even get words out let alone discuss something.
Once Oscar was in the car I just burst into tears and he was all worried about me and I was all apologetic to him and reassuring that he would not miss his excursion blah blah blah.
A few minutes later Jasper said, ‘Mummy, why were you crying?’ And I tried to explain that just as he sometimes cries when he gets a big shock or fright, so did Mummy.
Grover then spent the next little while going ‘raaaAAAA’ ‘RAAAAAAAA’ at me. TO you know, give me a fright.
Expecting horrendous Monday morning traffic we got to the zoo in no time and then it really did dawn on me. I was going to have to take Oscar into the zoo to find the group and that meant I would have to take Jasper and Grover too and well, show me a kid taken into a zoo who then doesn’t want to look at the animals and I’ll normally show you my children. But not this time.
Dudes, five days after an operation I was at the FRIGGIN zoo looking at STUPID ANIMALS with the little guys.
The positive of this was that it didn’t cost us anything to get in as I told the woman at the gate I had to take Oscar to his school group. The negative of this was I always felt slightly on edge that I was going to be escorted from the premises.
The positive of this was we spent more time looking at the reptile and amphibian displays than ever in my living history. The negative being who cares about the reptiles and amphibians.
The positive of this was we got to see the new baby elephant even if I had the two most disinterested children in a cute baby elephant E.V.E.R.
Then we attempted to do the seal show but the boys cracked it so we went and got hot chips and a juice instead.
Then we came home and I died.
The end.
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  • Anonymous

    One of the best bad/good mummy stories ever. Ever.

    Bec

  • Anonymous

    Wow. Every post you read it's liek a movie to me!
    You brave, brave woman.
    Paola

  • Blossom

    ok…….you win!!hands down……
    I take my hat to you girl.if it was me.I would still be sitting in the gutter sobbing.

  • kurrabikid

    Whoa. What a day…!!!!!!!

  • Aussie-waffler

    I would give you five…no six….gold stars AND an elephant stamp, for effort. I think you made it up to the little fellow in spectacular fashion.

  • Duyvken

    Dear lord, I need a lie down.

    And something alcoholic.

  • Sarah

    This is a cracker! Seriously I am crying with laughter. Dear Oscar. Poor you. Love RAARing Grover- what a help. When's the book out?

  • jac

    I was going to write a good comment but I can't. My word verification is stonates. STONATES. I can't beat that with any of my own words.

  • fifi

    sheeeeeeit! What a legend you are

    I think that had a better outcome than when my my son hadn't brough in hos note to an excursion i had never hearcd of, they sent him alone to the library all day and the rest went off to a harbour cruise.

    Noone rang, till 2.30, when the librarian felt he ought to go home…..

    This still makes me angry/cry

  • Mary

    Good god woman – I hope you had an early night.

    You are the stuff of legend my friend..

  • Alex

    Does 'vugmetor'as my verfication either top 'stonates' or just adequately describe The Day Best Forgotten.

    Seriously, is there an evil being who is cackling in the Blogger dungeons making up these wonderful words?!?!

    A Bex and a lie down sounds in order.

  • Stomper Girl

    What Bec said.

  • Badger

    DUDE. Oh, dude. I'd offer you a hug if I didn't think you'd belt me one.

  • blackbird

    I need a nap.
    Office work is much easier.

  • Eleanor

    So, let me get this straight.

    You risked your health for the sake of an excursion to the zoo.

    Well.

    I happen to think that YOUR wellbeing, YOUR recovery, YOUR state of body and mind, far outweigh any temporary disappointments any of your children may feel in the next month, next year, next decade.

    Missed buses, forgotten excursions, the general TRIVIAL disappointments of life are good educational experiences.

    Please stay in bed today. I'm begging you.

  • fifi

    Just a short note to say that I actually have my contact lenses on today and sometimes I actually can type.
    ahem.

    and yes, I hope you stay in bed today.

  • kim at allconsuming

    I was going to say oo-er look at Eleanor getting all parental on me, but then my shrink just did it too. Apparently I should not be doing anything for at least 10 days and that what I've had has been major abdominal surgery. He couldn't believe I'd stopped taking the opiates. Don't you love a shrink who loves his opiates!

    Just because the cuts are little does not mean the procedure was too.

    So there you are. I'm lying on the couch now. Are you all happy?