2 years and 4 months. An update

This post is inspired by a recent post by Amy. I call her Amy because it doesn’t matter how many tutorials she gives on the pronunciation of her blog’s title or even if she puts the little do-wackys over the letters to tell you how to pronounce it, I can never get it or remember it and that shits me. So I just call her Amy. Like she’s a friend. Hahaha. Her son, Noah, is having all manner of speech issues and OH MY GOD do I feel her pain. It’s like watching my life on replay. But then I come over all special-needs-discriminatory and feel like shaking her saying ‘at least he doesn’t have a mongy chromosome sending it all to shit’.


Her post was about how Noah is currently in the grip of Tantrum Fever. It’s like Awards Ceremony Fever for toddlers. Lots of screaming, gawping, pulling at hair, covering of eyes, random clapping, running around in circles and falling down dead. (Oh the thoughts in my head about the Grammys and the BAFTAs – how much do you think Marion Cotillard wished she hadn’t worn that dress with all the kleenex hanging off it when she won –
and you know, I always question the validity of rehab when instead of being off your nut with a crack pipe in hand you’re off your nut due to the amount of sedatives in your system. And yes, I’m talking about you Miss Amazing Literally Wasted Talent Amy CrackWinehouse)


It made me realise that I am living exactly the same reality and oh.my.lord. it is so wearing, so haggard inducing that it hadn’t actually occurred to me to blog about it. Because you know, there’s so much other scintillating things for me to talk about… like glowing breasts.

So here are some glimpses into the life of the 2.4 year old:
1. Phrases on highest rotation ‘I do it Mummy, I do it’; ‘Mummy come pay wi meeee’; Move away Ogga/WaaWaa; No Babbeeeeee; Yep; No, no go nigh nigh watch toot-toot;
2. Self toilet training – the best way. EVAH.
3. Strict adherence to a beige diet – anything in the beige, the off white, the cream colour spectrum is acceptable. That means a lot of toast is eaten, many cruskits, pasta, rice and sometimes yoghurt. Meat it to be feared, vegetables are to be rejected. Any food an adult tries to feed you is to be viewed with great suspicion as there are sure to be bits of either of those two hidden under some of the approved pasta or rice. (Parental note: I am desperately trying not to make meals and food an issue and while his diet is haphazard and highly nutritionally questionable, I think it’s working as he will voluntarily try new foods or foods I’m giving to Grover – whereas by this point with Felix I’d made such a fist of it all he was eating was vegemite sandwiches, meat and broccoli)
4. The best place to be at 4.12am is crawling in between mum and dad in their ginormous bed
5. Thomas the Effing Engine is still World Leader but Disney Pixar has launched quite an attack on the Island of Sodor. Monster’s Inc is a winner as is Toy Story 1 and 2, but PIG (Babe) is now on high rotation as is a retro moment with a 10 year old video of Spot (Spot, lovable Spot…)
6. The best time to tantrum is anytime.
– Mornings are great as everyone else is so slow off the mark so you can be really hitting the high notes and popping veins in your neck before they know what’s what. This can be because you want a bot bot but they bring you toast but then when they bring you a bot bot and take away the toast you can keep it up because just because you’ve been howling ‘no toast, no toast’ actually doesn’t mean ‘no toast, no toast’.
– Getting into the car to take your brothers to school – a great time to do the body-stiff-as-a-board routine – always a winner even though your mother probably bruises your kidneys bending you into your seat, the seat of death even if she calls it your special seat that keeps you safe. I mean if it keeps you so safe why the hell do those brothers get to just clamber in and sit wherever they goddamn please.
– Getting out of the car because this seat is so comfortable!
– Videos/DVDs not going on in an appropriate timeframe from when the request for the video/DVD was lodged.
– The wrong Thomas the Effing Engine video/DVD being installed
– Taking too long going through the f.i.v.e. DVDs of the series and the four videos of Thomas the Effing Engine to determine the correct one
– Not being allowed to climb onto kitchen benches/bury dogs in sand/throw dog food off the back deck/
– Being asked to eat. Anything.
– Being looked at. By anyone.
– Being tired but I’MNOTIRED and then being so tired when dinner time arrives it is all too much
– Dinner is the perfect time for a meltdown because no one is busy doing anything at that time – at least they can’t be because they’re not paying me any attention.
– Having to have a bath
– Having to get out of the bath
– Having to get dressed
– Having to put a nappy on
– Air
– Light

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