One of those posts

in which I wail a little, gnash teeth and generally wallow.

This last week was hard. A hard bad week. There were highlights:
– Felix asking if he wrote notes down could it be a song and then indeed sitting at the piano (that shits me because it takes up so much room and has a crack in the board so it always goes flat and it is downstairs not upstairs because mum thought it would be good for the boys. i.e she didn’t want it cluttering up her house.) and composing a tuneful tune. Go figure.
– Grover finding his thumb and sucking it to sleep. Bless him.
– Jasper giving me cuddles. This sounds weird but he’s never actually given me a cuddle. You know, he’ll ‘hug’ me when I pick him up or carry him etc, but the coming up to you and giving you a hug. The one where little arms grip you around the neck and their hot breath is in your ear. Delicious.
– Making my first batch of pineapple tarts and them being delicious albeit it looking very rustic and made in too smaller tart tins.
– Grover’s vocalising. It’s all oo’s and aa’s with pursed lips, big smiles and furrowed brows as he tells me all about it. And now he does it in his cot or car seat, so I can drive along and listen to these stories from the littlest man of the clan.

But the gremlins are afoot.
I am sure it is largely sleep related.
Or lack of sleep related.
And that I am back in the land of losing weight and all the issues that brings to the surface for me.
I am moody.
Short-tempered and indeed unloving.
I have to work really hard not to roll my eyes at the latest round of tears from anyone claiming to be hurt.
I have to work really hard to appear like I care.
About anything.
I feel crowded.
Hemmed in.
But isolated at the same time.
That the world is still turning while I stand still.
And I feel nervy and anxious.
Anticipating something but not knowing what.
I see the bigger boys shielding themselves a little.
I am ever grateful for Jasper who with his crazy two in two weeks antics does make me smile, laugh and enjoy life at least a few times a day.
I’m telling myself each morning, ‘today is a new day, decide now how you’re going to respond to it’.
But the Mary Poppins slide to Cruelle de Ville is back as a daily tour de force.
I don’t even know if that’s how you spell that or if I’ve used it correctly.
I’ll try and pretend to care.
I’m overly sensitive and defensive.
And am feeling generally unimpressed with the universe.

So much of this is related to the weight loss issue as I get my eating back on track.
But that means not eating to fill the void.
A void that is so heavily weighted in a glass half empty mindset.
Of a dead-end career.
Of impossible dreams.
Unrealistic expectations.
Of not being who I thought I’d be at this point in my life
And not being that impressed with who I am.
No, not unimpressed.

Heather over at Dooce talked about this very sentiment this week so maybe there’s something planetary going on.
Who knows.
But it is suckful and exhausting.