40+6

** UPDATED **

Everything feels amplified today.
They’re cutting down a tree about two blocks away and I was very close to going and asking them to stop it. Stop it NOW.
If walking wasn’t such a chore.
The boys seem louder than usual.
The requests for food, drink, football, tv, xbox, computer, food, food, food seem to be coming more often than the usual 3 minute alotment.
Chef/Felix/Jasper’s coughing seems so much more irritating today than usual.
Mum eating five of the vanilla biscuits in quick succession (granted, they are mini ones) really burred me up. On the inside of course.
The ‘there’s nothing on TV’ reality is really reality and making me cranky.
My carpal tunnel feels particularly ‘sharp’ today. That’s the only word I can think of to describe the combined pins and needle numbness.
I just have an undercurrent of irritation that feels like it could quite easily erupt into a complete meltdown at any moment, probably triggered by something like someone looking at me.
*****
After making the vanilla biscuits last night, which almost killed me as baby clearly moved back into the posterior position and caused impressive sciatica that almost made me fall over, I had three egg whites left over.
So, naturally, I made meringues.
Which I then promptly forgot about until this morning at 7am.
We’ve called them ‘the nine and a half hour meringues’, which will be turned into a very nice Eton Mess type dish this evening. With strawberries.

Meringues
3 egg whites
150g caster sugar
– beat the egg whites to soft peaks
– add the caster sugar gradually, allowing each addition to be fully incorporated
– either put into piping bag and pipe shapes onto a baking tray, or simply spoon amounts onto the tray
– bake in a 110C degree oven for 30 minutes. Although after 9.5 hours while they are quite brown on the inside, they’re still quite tasty.
*****
Midwife check-up is this afternoon at 1pm.
*****
All fine at the check-up, it was quiet on labour floor which seemed a bit surreal.
I am so very tired tonight.
I know it will horrify some of you, but tonight I finally got the baby clothes I pulled out the other day into an actual drawer.
I had this absolute compunction to do it. In that it HAD to be done RIGHT AWAY.
Maybe it’s a sign.
Maybe the fact it’s a blue moon is a sign.
I do feel different tonight, perhaps that is a sign.
The boys are hanging around me very closely. Sitting right on top of me, head on my arm, hand on my belly. Maybe that’s a sign.
Jasper isn’t well. He’s got a temperature of 39C. Maybe that’s a sign.
I know the end of this pregnancy, my last, is looming.
I am both relieved and sad at the same time. It sounds so strange to say that, but I guess it is all part of that passing of time. I am so very excited about our life as a family of six that it can take my breath away and my heart race. I am overwhelmed, daunted and inspired by who I will become as the mother to four children. Four! I always dreamed of having four children so the fact it is about to become a reality is something I am so very chuffed about.
I know I’m about to be in a hell.of.a.lot.of.pain and that is scaring me probably a lot more than I am willing to let myself admit. Let the baby come. It’s that feeling of being totally out of control as the pain grips every single ounce of your being. Let the baby come. A pain so intense everything else disappears. Nothing else exists. Let the baby come. That feeling that if I move even a hair of a millimetre part of me will break, literally crack in two or a hundred pieces it doesn’t matter. Let the baby come. That feeling of the baby moving downwards, when you move from the grip of agony to the realm of anticipation. Let the baby come. Knowing that I can do it, that I have done it three times prior, is doing little to lessen my anxiety about the whole shebang. But you know? When it actually starts, all that anxiety, all the ‘I don’t know if I can do it again’ will disappear as the mantra returns and my body takes charge once more. Let the baby come.
Maybe all this waxing lyrical is a sign.

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