jet black dogs

Last night was one of the worst. ever.
I said awful, dreadful things to the boys, particularly Oscar.
I was too rough with Jasper.
And actually worried I might physically harm him.
I couldn’t be a mother any more.
It would be for the best if I just went away.

I rang a friend.
Who said all the right things.
And helped me to – albeit slowly – calm down.

This sucks.
Monumentally.

Today was better.
We had pizza for dinner.
And no one did any homework.
And Felix washed up the plates from dessert and said to me – “so there are three less plates you have to worry about”.
And we all hung out on the lounge for a while.
And Jasper made us laugh.
While Oscar just sat close to me. His hand on my leg.
Letting me know he is here. And loves me, no matter how angry Angry Mummy gets.

I talked to Felix last night – when the eye of the storm had passed.
I told him about how I have an illness called depression.
And that it can make me really angry, 0r really really sad.
And that I can take medicine to make it better.
He asked if I was taking that medicine now, and I said yes, but that it was new medicine and would take a little while to help make the Angry Mummy go away.
He asked if it would take 10 days. I said that was about right.
And his reply? “So you’ll be happy for my birthday.”

I apologised to Oscar – we both cried.
I told him that I did believe in him, that he could do whatever he put his mind to and that he had to know I would help him every step of the way.
He cried as he said, “OK mumma.”

My heart breaks when I think of the damage I do to these boys when I am like this.

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  • alisha

    Hey there… it’s alisha here and I know what the struggle can be like, I am on another change of meds as well to scare the black dog away and boy it sucks!
    All I can say is that I am just hanging on and looking for some light, and over the past few days I can see a slight glimmer again. I just keep telling myself that the pain will pass as it has in the past and I wait, which is hard most of the time as I am so impatient and it upsets me to see how i effect the people I love around me in the process.
    I think from reading your blog of late that you are an amazing mum and I love what you have to say about your boys. And having the dog around whilst you are pregnant just sucks too.
    Depression is crap. That is all I know and I am sad that you have it.
    I just want to say thanks to you for being a great strength for me when I needed to talk to someone, that helped me a great deal. I just don’t think that i ever thanked you for it.
    So thankyou.
    Thinking of you.

  • Major Bedhead

    Oh, Kim. I’m sorry you’re going thru all this. I’ve been where you are and I know I’ll be there again and I have those same thoughts about the damage I’m doing to my children. It sucks. Hard.

    I hope the next ten days fly by and the meds start doing their thing. Hang in there….

  • Badger

    Aw dude. I’m sorry. I hope the drugs kick in soon.

    You are a GOOD MOM. You LOVE them. And you are making things better.

  • meggie

    NO ONE would ever be a better mother for your boys!
    Dont forget, families love the warts & all- or in this case the black dog’s shit.

  • Surfing Free

    I agree with everyone else that you are a great mother! The worst you can do to your kids is give up on them and on yourself.
    Is it normal for new drugs to take this long to kick in? I hope they get a wriggle on and do their thing soon 🙂

  • Blue Moon Girl

    You are a good mom. A not good mom wouldn’t feel bad and wouldn’t be trying to do anything to get better and definitely wouldn’t be talking to her kids about it.

    I am keeping every single thing I own crossed that the new meds work and that they work within ten days in time for Felix’s birthday.

    Sending hugs and thinking of you from across the ocean.

  • Joke

    If you were a bad mother, you would have chased them off with dangerous power gardening implements.

    1- You are doing what it takes to get better.

    2- You explained to them why this is happening and that you love them.

    -J.

    P.S. Before you are doing better, I might need you to speak to NOS, with the added bonus I preemptively absolve you of anything awful you might say. In fact, there may be an extra fiver in it if you do…

  • Joke

    P.S. My WVW is “hutfuxy”

  • samantha

    just catching up on all your posts, came over from teacup. This one had me all teary, because I know what you mean, I won’t say exactly because I reckon it is different for everyone, but boy does it suck. My black dog, stamps its foot, refuses to move out of bed and can’t even be bothered to brush its teeth. Thank god I haven’t seen him for a little while, because his breath is foul! I’m am now adding you to my bloglines.