jet black dogs

Last night was one of the worst. ever.
I said awful, dreadful things to the boys, particularly Oscar.
I was too rough with Jasper.
And actually worried I might physically harm him.
I couldn’t be a mother any more.
It would be for the best if I just went away.

I rang a friend.
Who said all the right things.
And helped me to – albeit slowly – calm down.

This sucks.
Monumentally.

Today was better.
We had pizza for dinner.
And no one did any homework.
And Felix washed up the plates from dessert and said to me – “so there are three less plates you have to worry about”.
And we all hung out on the lounge for a while.
And Jasper made us laugh.
While Oscar just sat close to me. His hand on my leg.
Letting me know he is here. And loves me, no matter how angry Angry Mummy gets.

I talked to Felix last night – when the eye of the storm had passed.
I told him about how I have an illness called depression.
And that it can make me really angry, 0r really really sad.
And that I can take medicine to make it better.
He asked if I was taking that medicine now, and I said yes, but that it was new medicine and would take a little while to help make the Angry Mummy go away.
He asked if it would take 10 days. I said that was about right.
And his reply? “So you’ll be happy for my birthday.”

I apologised to Oscar – we both cried.
I told him that I did believe in him, that he could do whatever he put his mind to and that he had to know I would help him every step of the way.
He cried as he said, “OK mumma.”

My heart breaks when I think of the damage I do to these boys when I am like this.

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