the fog

I’m teetering on the edge of a fog.
I know this because I’m crying. A lot.
I am taking everything incredibly personally.
My sleep is restless and broken.
I’m also not getting enough of it.
I’m trying really hard to not fall over the edge into it.
By laughing with my children.
By crying on my friends who take me to lunch, introduce me to subway and make me addicted to terrriyaki chicken w/ sweet onion subs.
Who give me strategies that work.
By talking to my husband and continuing to ‘let him in’.
Then making myself realise how different this is to only a few years ago when I would retreat to angry silence and slam doors.
But I have moments when I do things that I know must damage all I love.
Like telling Oscar I love him but that I need space and can’t have him touch me. And him simply saying OK, then sitting on the other lounge, watching me, and asking “Mumma OK?”
And the thoughts of driving too quickly around that bend, or into the back of that car, or into that tree come back.
And once more I cry.
And cry.
But tomorrow I will wake and have a good day. When all of that is forgotten and I wonder who could that have been.

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  • Jenn

    Hang in there, sweetie. Hormones suck.

    I sometimes have to tell my kids to get away from me, too…I think we all do it from time to time. Sometimes its better to send them to the other couch and keep what little sanity you have left than to give them something you just don’t have at that moment.

  • Joke

    Remember: You are loved. Don’t ever loosen your grip on that fact. Ever.

    -J.

  • julia

    Depression is a bitch. I’m sorry you’re going thru all this shit. I hope it leaves you alone soon.

  • Em

    I have days like this, when I really feel that I’m teetering on the edge… days when I don’t want to be touched and I have to tell G in particular (because she always HOVERS) to go away and leave me alone. It isn’t easy… and it must be harder with another baby on the way… (((hugs)))

  • Janet

    I’m all too familiar with that driving thought, too many of those and it’s a sign that I need more help than I’m getting. Depression sucks. But depression or not, I think it’s normal to want some time without your children on you. Even with only one, I have that feeling some days.

    Hope the grey lifts soon.

  • joanne

    I hope the tree stays where it is and you can get back onto the road of clear sunny days – in whichever way works for you.

  • meggie

    What Joke said!

  • Kim

    Thanks guys – Joke, your comment is exactly what I now keep top of mind in these moments – which is more than I could do as little as 2 years ago. Friday was an ugly day at work where trust was destroyed and many relationships undermined and called into question – I do not cope well with such senarios.
    This weekend I have focused very much on being with my family and trying not to dwell or simmer on what happened. I’ve actually been moderately successful.

    So yes, it is one day at a time and trying to keep talking so the silence doesn’t smother…

  • h&b

    What jenn said.

    And everyone else.

    xx

  • Jonathan

    Subway! We finally got a subway in my home town. I’ve still not been in there, but I’m going to one day when Wendy doesn’t know – and I’m going to get the bigget, most bad for me, most wonderful tasting heap of crap I can possibly find 🙂