So

You should know I’m typing this as I watch the Oscar’s broadcast. Its an addiction, deal with it. A quick synopsis:

JLo
– just morphing into the crack addict sullen bride. Is she just trying to perpetuate pregnancy rumours? And I’m so over her perpetual Ode to a Grecian Urn

Our Nicole – has she had a boob job or is it just the embodiment of how to really use chicken fillets? And just how much botox has been pumped into that face?
Our Cate – on the SMH photos it looked like she was wearing glomesh – but on the tele it is just exquisite.
Duckface (Penelope Cruz) – there are very few people who can pull off wearing a skin coloured dress (take note Gwyneth) but she does it. Although it does border on looking like one of those dolls my nan used to have that sat over the spare roll of toilet paper.
Gwyneth – yes yes yes, we know you’re thin, show me a vegan who isn’t, but this dress is only a marginal improvement from the whole Heidi hair squished boob fiasco of 2002.
Maggie – you had a baby two minutes ago but managed to look exquisite in shiny blue satin – snaps to you young lady.

Jodie –
On first glance I thought it was another Melanie Griffith trainwreck and was slightly disappointed there was no cane. Then I realised it was Jodie. In a dress meant for someone about six inches taller.

Beyonce and Kate Winslet – that green is difficult at the best of times, you guys are almost pulling it off. Almost.

(TV side reference: Is it just me or does Ellen (who I love) just seem uncomfortable.
Tobey Maguire looks like he needs a good feed.)
Jessica Biel – I dont get all the hoohaa about this bird, and the birchbroom hair and 1980s prom dress pink outfit just adds to my indifference.
Kirsten Dunst – that dress is stunning but ugly all at the same time. That’s quite a skill.
Rachel Weisz – jog it in. Simply stunning.
You know, I don’t know her, but DuckfaceII really annoys me. And this does nothing to lessen the completely unfounded sentiment:
Cameron – I just don’t get why she always wears white.
Jennifer shoe-in – I have not seen Dreamgirls, I care not if I never do. I was disappointed when she won, simply because of the calibre she was competing against and the gravitas of the roles they played, as opposed to a singer. Not saying all singers are shallow, but you know, if you’re singing and dancing head on over to the Grammy’s. Anyway, from one rather large busted woman to another, the bolero? and the bolero in a shiny faux snake (croc?) skin? is just a big N.O. I must say, my indifference abated slightly on hearing her sing, but I couldn’t help wishing she had worn that red number all night.
Portia – please meet up with Maggie at the Governor’s Ball to discuss how to wear shiny blue satin. I’m aware you are painfully thin, and yet this dress makes you look lumpy through the thighs. This means all hope is lost for all.
Further TV asides:
– why Why WHY are all this awards that mean nothing to all of us being given airtime? Get them off – we want the glamour and the big names. We’re shallow. Get over it.
– You know, Mr Morricone, if the biggest awards in the world are recognising and paying tribute to your work, the least you can do is LOOK INTERESTED.
– Am I the only one who goes “Oh I forgot they died” when they do the dead person tribute? And just how insulting is it to the families of those stars who have died who don’t get applause. If you were some composer or screenwriter you’d just hope you followed someone like Altman so you got some of the clapping-lingerers.
– Why was Our Naomi wearing chiffon arm-warmers?
– Robert Downey Junior is hot.
– George Clooney is hot.
– That Ari fellow who won for short films? He’s hot.
– Is Meryl an active paid up member of a particular tribal cult because I just don’t get the whole homage to some lost African tribe anthropology movement.
– My GOD did someone have to wake Philip Seymour Hoffman up out of a gutter after a three day bender? He looks appalling. I recently saw him when he was in Sydney carrying out auditions at Sydney Theatre Company for Riflemind, a play he’s directing later in the year with Hugo Weaving (how good will that be) and he was in tshirt, shorts and thongs and looked better than this.
– Were Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton absolutely and totally tanked?

My addiction to Go Fug Yourself is well known, but this killed me.

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  • Kim

    Hmmm. Not one comment. Not one “I agree”. Not one, “gee Kim, you’re so funny”. Am I really the only Oscars tragic? Really? Was it too lame? Did noone care? Sigh.