Are you looking at me?

Many thanks to everyone for your words of support re the CVS.
This will be my third so I’m less worried and anxious about the needle being jabbed through my stomach and then rammed up and down over and over again as it scrapes cells off the placenta. Yeah. Nice. Clearly a medical procedure developed by a male.
In fact, when we met with the geneticist earlier this week, he remarked that I was the only person he’d ever known who would have had three CVS’. What a claim to fame.

No, I guess I’m in that zone of being generally anxious and carrying that feeling of foreboding that most women in their first trimester paranoia manifest.

I’ve just got this bad feeling – the serious amount of drinking going on in those first four-five weeks after the deed. Being on antidepressants during that time, not taking any form of multi-vitamin or folate before or for weeks after the party started down there in my uterus.
And so on and so forth.

And apart from all that, I have this theory about pre-natal testing.
You see, it’s such a false calm.
It just checks they’re all there, it doesn’t pick up individual gene mutations, it can’t detect if you’re pregnancy is going to go pear shaped, that your baby could come early, that there could be complications during birth, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, depression, diabetes, MS, late-onset neural disorders, alzheimers or whether your offspring is just going to be a positive little shit.
It’s such a false hope.

And it kind of pisses me off.

Oh, and read this over at Muzbot because the lyrics? For me, they are what every day was for the first six weeks of Oscar’s life that were spent in hospital. And you know what? They still apply for a little piece of every single day of my precious boy’s life.

Every life is valid. Every single one. Whether our kids are vile or glorious, whether they are gifted or struggle to just comprehend the most basic of tasks, they bring something to the world, something to someone’s life.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t want it to be misinterpreted as some sort of pro-life anything, because I know had I known about Oscar’s dodgy chromosome I would have terminated. I know if anything shows up this time, if there is the faintest shadow of a doubt, I will not let this pregnancy continue.

But it just seems to me that in this world focused on increasing expediency, where so much is transitory, so much is disposable we’re starting to apply the same rules to the miracle and wonderment that is having a child. There isn’t a woman or man on this earth who doesn’t angst over the welfare of their child, born or unborn – but this gloss we try to put on it – “everything’s OK with the baby” because some lab technician has lined all the chromosomes up in a line is just, just, just … God I don’t know.

See, I told you I didn’t know where this was going.