Are you looking at me?

Many thanks to everyone for your words of support re the CVS.
This will be my third so I’m less worried and anxious about the needle being jabbed through my stomach and then rammed up and down over and over again as it scrapes cells off the placenta. Yeah. Nice. Clearly a medical procedure developed by a male.
In fact, when we met with the geneticist earlier this week, he remarked that I was the only person he’d ever known who would have had three CVS’. What a claim to fame.

No, I guess I’m in that zone of being generally anxious and carrying that feeling of foreboding that most women in their first trimester paranoia manifest.

I’ve just got this bad feeling – the serious amount of drinking going on in those first four-five weeks after the deed. Being on antidepressants during that time, not taking any form of multi-vitamin or folate before or for weeks after the party started down there in my uterus.
And so on and so forth.

And apart from all that, I have this theory about pre-natal testing.
You see, it’s such a false calm.
It just checks they’re all there, it doesn’t pick up individual gene mutations, it can’t detect if you’re pregnancy is going to go pear shaped, that your baby could come early, that there could be complications during birth, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, depression, diabetes, MS, late-onset neural disorders, alzheimers or whether your offspring is just going to be a positive little shit.
It’s such a false hope.

And it kind of pisses me off.

Oh, and read this over at Muzbot because the lyrics? For me, they are what every day was for the first six weeks of Oscar’s life that were spent in hospital. And you know what? They still apply for a little piece of every single day of my precious boy’s life.

Every life is valid. Every single one. Whether our kids are vile or glorious, whether they are gifted or struggle to just comprehend the most basic of tasks, they bring something to the world, something to someone’s life.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t want it to be misinterpreted as some sort of pro-life anything, because I know had I known about Oscar’s dodgy chromosome I would have terminated. I know if anything shows up this time, if there is the faintest shadow of a doubt, I will not let this pregnancy continue.

But it just seems to me that in this world focused on increasing expediency, where so much is transitory, so much is disposable we’re starting to apply the same rules to the miracle and wonderment that is having a child. There isn’t a woman or man on this earth who doesn’t angst over the welfare of their child, born or unborn – but this gloss we try to put on it – “everything’s OK with the baby” because some lab technician has lined all the chromosomes up in a line is just, just, just … God I don’t know.

See, I told you I didn’t know where this was going.

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  • Jonathan

    A friend of ours got absolutely hammered during the time she didn’t know she was pregnant – and I mean *slaughtered*.

    The baby turned out fine.

  • Badger

    Aw, Kim. I so understand your anxiety. I had to take so many drugs while I was pregnant with the girl child, I’m surprised she doesn’t glow in the dark. Forget prenatals — I couldn’t keep them down. Her only in-utero nourishment was frozen chicken pot-pies and a whole lot of Class C medications. And she’s only bipolar! So far!

    Er, wait. Maybe that wasn’t as comforting as I meant it to be.

    Crossing my fingers that things go well for you!

  • Joke

    OK, I’ll light a candle for ya at Mass.


  • Kim

    Thanks Joke, I think this post clearly shows is just how ugly my headspace is without alcohol and happy pills.

    Badge – glow in the dark, teeheehee

    Jon – thanks!

  • julia

    Kim, did they tell you you can’t take your anti-depressants during pregnancy? I know some are not a good idea, but I thought most of the SSRIs were ok.

    I know that feeling of dread. It sucks. I was in the same boat as you with having drinks and no prenatals with 2 of my pregnancies. My kids are mostly ok. They’re weird, but as far as I know, that’s not chromosomal.

  • meggie

    Crossing my fingers for you Kim. But as you say, -it wont tell you all you might want to know.
    My eldest son was born beautiful clever & charming & handsome.
    He has suffered such brain damage as an adult, he will never be the same, & so….what can I say.
    I just hope all is well for you.
    And plenty of babies were born ok whether their mothers did or didnt ensure the ‘right’ things were done, prenatal, & early pregnancy.

    And there are many who would not feel bad at having a termination for a ‘bad’ test result. I wouldnt, but then perhaps I speak from hindsight.

  • Kim

    Meggie – I send my most heartfelt thoughts to you re your son – and I guess that’s what I was trying to convey albeit badly. These tests oversimplify everything and none of us really know what life will bring (or take away) for our children.

    J – hahaha – love it. Sometimes the ‘normal’ children are the most bizarre. Despite these moments of existential doubt, I am actually travelling quite well. Trying to avoid the happy pills for the first 13 weeks and we will then revisit it all and make a call as to whether to restart or hold-off.

  • Joke

    If it’s any consolation, my headspace is like a Dali “black-light” poster. I just censor myself because there’s just some stuff I don’t want my grandchildren to read one day.


    P.S. I lit the candle when I was at Confession. Management apologizes for the inconvenience.

  • sueeeus

    I am holding my breath and crossing my fingers for you and the little one.