Unconscious and not so unconscious mutterings

# Costume ::drama

# Beg ::and plead

# Hottie ::Robbie Williams, Johnny Knoxville, Vince Vaughan, but most of all – CHEF!

# Celebrity ::citings

# Saturday ::is the day to play!

# Buckle ::up back there

# Doorbell ::ding dong

# Rude ::y nudey

# Absence ::makes the heart grow fonder… or more relieved

# Hyper ::drive

In other news…
Chef and I have harboured a secret passion (i.e. read desperate bid to deny the fact we are breeders) for a restored VW kombi (as opposed to some hideous minivan or worse, a 4WD – both of which we could never afford anyway). I will know in a week if that’s going to become a reality.
You will all be pleased to note that while I can stand up and defend my kids, my ability to turn into Cruella DeVille is also still in top form. Yesterday there was an incident between Oscar and Felix over blocks and building hangers for their Star Wars ships (could there be such an incident over anything else) and I just didn’t handle it well. Oh, I said all the right things (at the start) but said them from a position of crankiness and volume, rather than that tone which makes your kids think they’re working it out for themselves. This is bad. It is worse when it involves Felix because well, the child has a level of dumb stupid pride only rivalled by that of his mother. It ended with him storming off, me chasing after him and using that voice that scares even you. You know the one, when the back of your throat hurts for hours afterwards. You know the one, when you utter phrases like “don’t you dare talk to me like that” and so on. The one where you can make your child pee in their pants because they’re so scared of you. I said some nasty nasty things to him, that he was being “nasty, a bully and mean” and cut him down. I said them because I was angry, fed-up, tired and also because I could. I just cried and cried into Chef’s chest afterwards. I went and hung out two loads of washing until I had calmed down and stopped shaking. I went in to him and we both cried and cried. I apologised, told him I’d said some awful things because I was angry and that that was never OK. And so on and so forth. He cried and we cried some more. And then we got on with the rest of our day.
So peoples, sure I have the ability to build my kids up, but I can cut them down just as easily. And the sadness and shame that puts in my heart – that hurts a lot.

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  • h&b

    I talk about this stuff a lot with my Mother’s Group. We all live in fear that that last time we say “just go .. go away .. get out of my face .. I don’t care .. I said GO” is the time they walk out into traffic/into the arms of a predator etc ….

    Being aware of it, and being able to say sorry, and hopefully learning from our mistakes, and being better next time … I think you’re doing ok.

    As for hotties, are you going to see Robbie ? I’m counting down the days like a sex-starved teen .. except i’ve moved on from Rick Springfield .. thankfully .. ugh.. šŸ˜‰

    And the Combi – my BIL is trying to sell his .. in Melbourne though … I suspect he’s not trying so hard ..

  • Jonathan

    It’s really difficult isn’t it – bizarrely, I don’t have the little voice saying “calm down – it’s really going to hurt them” voice when I’m dealing with children…

    I do have that voice when I’m dealing with my mother-in-law though…

  • Stomper Girl

    Hey, we can’t all be Gwyneth Paltrow and never yell at the kids. I think its the apology at the end of bad behaviour which is important – so many adults just won’t admit to a kid they were wrong. Probably the same ones who insist that their kids apologise immediately for any transgressions.

  • julia

    The apology has probably done more good than the yelling did harm.

    I’ve had days like that and I loathe myself afterwards. It really sucks.

    What on earth is a kombi? And when I find out, does this mean that Men At Work song will finally make sense?

  • Suse

    I’ll be interested to see if you get the Kombi – we need to look at getting a new car and don’t want a mini van or 4wd, and I said ‘how about a kombi!’ But Mr Soup said they have no power (we live in a hilly area with dirt roads) – so much so that the headlights dim when you go up a steep hill! But I’m sure they could be ‘improved’ …

  • nutmeg

    I don’t remember my mum ever apologising to me after she’d yelled and said some very hurtful things. She just expected us to accept and forget. Well, I didn’t forget and the lesson learned was that I too apologise to my children if I’ve gotten out of hand! We are all human after all – and sometimes its “good” that our children see us like this at times and then see us apologise. You did good šŸ™‚

  • mad muthas

    oh dear – what a bad wicked woman you are! PLEEEEASE lighten up on yourself. the fact that you’re stressing about this at all shows how fantastic a mother you are. we’ve all done it, and we’ll all do it again (despite promising ourselves we won’t). so please accept a big hug and put the whole incident behind you …
    onward and upward!

  • meggie

    You sound like a truly great Mum!
    I used to be exactly like that with my kids- they have turned out to be some of my best friends.
    We used to call the ‘episodes’ ‘steaming love dances’, & we all laugh about them now.
    I always feel apologising is so important. My mother never did. Perhaps that skips generations too.

  • Surfing Free

    I get that yelling guilt all.the.time. I have been a short-tempered old bag of no-fun this week while Miss E has been sick and but thankfully I feel too sick myself to spend any energy on guilt.

    I do know what you mean though, and I do get a lot of comfort from apologising. And kids need to see that people have all sorts of moods, but that strong people are big enough to apologise for them.

  • Surfing Free

    Oh, and I have a Robbie Williams story!!!! I interviewed him once when I worked in the UK and he was sooooooo charming and soooooo nice that I wanted to strip off right there and then. But there was a photographer and several members of his entourage …. so I escaped without being another notch in his belt. Well, that’s what I think anyway, he was probably thinking he wouldn’t have touched me with a barge pole!

  • Anonymous

    I have lost my temper too many times (just this morning actually) and I am quite the yeller and more often than I ever want to admit I have hung my head later in shame. I apologize to my son (and daughter, although she rarely pushes my buttons like my son) and we hug and kiss and talk about it, but really it feels more rotten than anything. It is like a rot that gets stuck in my soul. I try and sleep more. I try and not get too hungry. I try and count to ten close my eyes and breathe. Iā€™m hoping to learn better ways to deal with sandis, other than yelling, in our family skills visits and some parent training. I feel like I finally have an opportunity to learn how to deal with sandis how he needs it, where as before just normal parenting books seems not to apply to my son. It makes so much more sense now that I understand more of what and how he experiences the world, but I still have so much to learn.