Unconscious and not so unconscious mutterings

# Costume ::drama

# Beg ::and plead

# Hottie ::Robbie Williams, Johnny Knoxville, Vince Vaughan, but most of all – CHEF!

# Celebrity ::citings

# Saturday ::is the day to play!

# Buckle ::up back there

# Doorbell ::ding dong

# Rude ::y nudey

# Absence ::makes the heart grow fonder… or more relieved

# Hyper ::drive

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In other news…
Chef and I have harboured a secret passion (i.e. read desperate bid to deny the fact we are breeders) for a restored VW kombi (as opposed to some hideous minivan or worse, a 4WD – both of which we could never afford anyway). I will know in a week if that’s going to become a reality.
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You will all be pleased to note that while I can stand up and defend my kids, my ability to turn into Cruella DeVille is also still in top form. Yesterday there was an incident between Oscar and Felix over blocks and building hangers for their Star Wars ships (could there be such an incident over anything else) and I just didn’t handle it well. Oh, I said all the right things (at the start) but said them from a position of crankiness and volume, rather than that tone which makes your kids think they’re working it out for themselves. This is bad. It is worse when it involves Felix because well, the child has a level of dumb stupid pride only rivalled by that of his mother. It ended with him storming off, me chasing after him and using that voice that scares even you. You know the one, when the back of your throat hurts for hours afterwards. You know the one, when you utter phrases like “don’t you dare talk to me like that” and so on. The one where you can make your child pee in their pants because they’re so scared of you. I said some nasty nasty things to him, that he was being “nasty, a bully and mean” and cut him down. I said them because I was angry, fed-up, tired and also because I could. I just cried and cried into Chef’s chest afterwards. I went and hung out two loads of washing until I had calmed down and stopped shaking. I went in to him and we both cried and cried. I apologised, told him I’d said some awful things because I was angry and that that was never OK. And so on and so forth. He cried and we cried some more. And then we got on with the rest of our day.
So peoples, sure I have the ability to build my kids up, but I can cut them down just as easily. And the sadness and shame that puts in my heart – that hurts a lot.

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