May 2006 | Page 2 of 9 | allconsuming

Tonight

Chef and I went to the shops for late night shopping. Alone. Granted, it was 8pm and the boys were all in bed. Granted, we were home by 8.50pm and sure, the only thing we actually bought were some pencils for the boys.

But

At the rock climbing joy last weekend I snapped my glasses.

Granted, I’d been whinging about how I needed new frames blah blah blah for oh, about 18 months, so I should have been pretty darn pleased, but when you are as blind as I am and only own one pair of glasses (something I have now learnt I need to rectify) it was actually a monumental pain in the arse.

Combined with the fact it happened on Day 1 of Return To The Happy Pill and the gagillion things we had on that day, I was pretty pissed about it.

So all this week, I’ve walked around with glasses that have a big wad of superglue holding them together, clearly visible due to the snap being on the bridge section that sits on my nose. Yup, I am one classy lady.

But

Tonight, we went to the optometrist, and I got me a new pair of frames. I have to get my eyes checked on Saturday because they haven’t been checked in about oh, 3.5 years, and then I have to wait another whole week but then, I’ll have sexy new glasses that made me all bouncy and happy. I will even model them for you all.

After that is a haircut.
And colour.

It’s the big issues discussed here folks.

As the drugs start to work the large red flags that had been flapping in the wind become quite apparent.

Red Flag #1: “Gee I wish I could stay at home and undertake craft projects”

Red Flag #2: “Sure, Chef has worked all day, standing up in front of a hot stove, then got home and made dinner, bathed children, done homework with them and cleaned up the kitchen, but I just wish he’d help me a bit more. Like, he could have at least hung out the washing.”

Red Flag #3: “My hair isn’t that dirty”

Red Flag #4: “I wonder if anyone would notice if I wore the same pants to work two days in a row?”

Red Flag #5: “I don’t care if it’s 1am, I have to get this washing done/ironing done/lounge room cleaned up/eyebrows plucked”

Red Flag #6: (after keeping a food diary all day indicating the complete opposite) “Well I fucked it by eating that chocolate this morning so I might as well eat a jumbo packet of chips on the way home. And maybe I’ll wash it down with a Fanta.”

Red Flag #7: “I really want to learn how to sew.”

Red Flag #8: “I’m really upset I can’t knit.”

Red Flag #9: “I want to make a quilt.”

Red Flag #10 through #eleventy hundred: Crying all the time. Being angry all.the.time. When not angry, being so quick to anger it was impressive if not highly frightening. Feeling on edge all.the.time. Finding it very very difficult to see anything positive, ever. An impending sense of doom.

Realising perhaps not everyone has a constant swirling internal monologue going on and on and on and on. A bit like this really.

We’re only on Day 4 of the new drug regime, so I’m still feeling the love of lock jaw, the occasional shakes from the tension/anxiety, heightened anxiety and upset guts, but that fog – it’s cleared so markedly already I am shocked at how bad I was (and how boring it must have been to you all to listen/read it).

I feel a vague sensation to do a blog equivalent of a Cruise lounge jump in the euphoria of feeling so much better in my head, but realise that may only relegate me heightened nutbag status for many of you. But coupled with a bizarre and sad resignation to the fact my brain just doesn’t really like working properly on its own is a child like “weeeeeeeee” at just feeling normal.